I got nothing if not life. what is it all for, why live? why ask why. just keep yourself occupied tiil the day you die.
the meaning of life? humans or all life. philosophy dictates we think, or not think.
to be or not to be. I am that i am. riddle me this batman.
joke i be, or long lost soul from alantis.
im thinking last night what is it all for? the life I long for is out of reach. simple life, for I am just a simple man living off the land O it aint easy (bad company)
I want to push myself harder, but why? the forces that be, will just push my head under water again, and again. never ending cycle. I know, I just have to move forward without expectations
in survival mode. try and scrape every lick of pleasure from this existence. I wonder… why ask why. I think so I stink a dink, lol
this little keyboard is funky. so any hoo. im pretty content at home. the dogs are heavenly beast, that can be overwhelming at times. little daisy ate my safety glasses. I was pissed, it felt good to be a little demostrative, yet felt bad almost imedatly for not controlling myself. just a pair of glasses, ugly, but useful. why do I write? why do I make videos, I think there is something missing in my soul. to be able to talk speak out loud or write. its my friend. who? nobody and evertybody. Now I cant find my ray bans. they been with me this whold journey, its funny how I lose things when people are around. well thats not completly right, no it is
I was thinking of the simple life, away from the bars and cars and make sweet love to you.
I often think of all this shit i have aquried clothes tools cars gadgets and wonder what happens to it all when i kick the bucket. I think I have to clean up my act before my final act. yet I am frozen in stasis. the quest to pay my existence. the jobs the money and make sweet love to you hahahahha we have a theme boys.
I look at all these other old fucks and wonder what keeps them going. how do we keep our system up to slave another day? am I the only one who lives a useless life? not to be despondent, but what the hell for . were already dead. too much pain or not enough suffering to be grateful. fuck grateful for what? it is an unfair shitty world. yet I live for the little moments.. like that feeling that comes and goes, more than a feeling, hey that reminds me. I have these deep emotions tucked away deep inside of me. I will be watching a movie or documentry and I will tear up, or a surge of emotion will just jump up inside of me. I am human. I still find not greater pleasure than a good song. I watched a led zeplelin deal the other night paid 6 bones, no emotion, maybe a little at a whole lotta love, but I was semi pissed. they never even played stairway to heaven. fuckers. shitty docushit. hahahhahah that makes me smile. maybe some of us can get pleasure from letting emotion out, be it anger even. it is like a dark corner… waiting wating to rear its ugly head. I am glad im old now. it is easier to suppress.
you know what else. I still stand by my loving animals more than humans. I cringe when they kill animals. I was horrified by a badger what was caught on a trapline, hung to death. for it fur. ugly humans. ugly. I wanted to hang that fucker. I see them spearing those pretty white whales, bowhead? its culture… or even killing seals or deer. I know I know. I am a walking contradiction. if i had a spear it would be me. but the trapline thing.. not a fan of traps. fuckers. how about an animal that gets its leg caugh in one. that has to be shitty way to go. long on suffering. I know that this is nature of humans. and all beasts, we just have more brain power, as it makes me cringe to see animals killing other animals. I know it is the way of life, nature. how can i fault humans for being humans. animals being animals. I am finding more complexity in humans justifying it all. I will always have my spriituality, yet religion is begining to look a lot like control. crock of shit. a crutch for people. now I am just commenting. I love the whole thing, it gives me comfort. yet I see the bastardized jesus people all over the place, the same with other belief systems. so take me to the spirit in the sky. I BELIEVE THAT NO JUST GOD WILL KEEP US FROM THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN FOR BEING HUMANS. try to live by the ten commandments and that is it. shut up you old hag.
hahahah mean eh? well im just an old bastard that like to write bullshit. Hey riddle me this batman.
So my mom and lots of others like to cry out ” you cant blame anyone but yourself” or to that effect blaming parents and all that shit. well I never have in my life thought that way. its like the thief that has a guilty consious, spell check sucks in wordpress, and i suck at spelling, i can tell if it does not look right. let me see…..conscience yeah that looks better. had to search. you what I see in arizona, like anchorage, lots of drones masqurading as people, I mean zombies, wearing their ugly sad faces wherever they go, spreading their gloomy lives for everyone to see. no wait I was trying to make a point. let me back up. so this blaming shit. if for the birds, but what I have found, we are imprinted by our childhood, our life experiences, our connections. they are so strong and they are who we are , to think we magicaly make ourselves from birth is asinnie to say the least. God might have created me in his image, but I was imprinted by my childhood and the culture of my time. there are a lot of things passed down from generation to generation. money for one. I was hones abe when it came to me kids, there will be no inhertance. my pain runs too deep. I can only hope to get healthy distractions for my pain, besides eating sleeping what else is there? sex not for some too painful for a consumation, my dark side thinks its all fake part of the mind fuck.I cant shake the watcher the facts are there. the child at our house years ago. the culprit caught on camera testing the system. the watching always watching doing nothing but watching him and that old man. if I escape this neighborhood if its the last thing I do. I had peace away from the watchers.or the brother who had pleasure with thine own who is always sneaking sneaking peeking. 1 day broken up is all it took. what else transpires. seemingly knowing of my happenings. its all too much at times. and then there is the ever present hands pushing me back under water. its a tale of two cities.
so I doing these plans. nightmare set. changes changes. well it is easy to get them past when I do it. but those paper pushers will eat up joe citizen. even me. technicality. I just need some purpose besides existing in this desert. I see nothing here for me. well I love the mountains. the weather. the people are all zombies. I see how hitler was able to move them as drones. I see clearly. we are all just waiting for the messiah. yet he never comes, so we take the latest trump or party to lead us in our empty lives. I know it would be an easier existence to just drone on in. climb aboard the mindless express, yet I cant. I would rather comiserate in my own shit. you all know I am just procratinating right now dont you? hahahhahahh
I have to do better. nobody not even the hand of god is going to reach down and give me a good ending. hey how about a happy ending? hahah you know the massage kind lol, never had a massage, well ok, at the mall they have these machines, they feel pretty good.
maybe I should shit on white people some more. you know what? what. I love white people, I think I are one sometimes, until I try to get a job. or get ahead the white master like to push our heads underwater. massa I be good nigger. ha there is that word again. let me share my black love. somethings you may have not heard yet in my drabble
my black experieces over my lifetime. my first fight was with a black kid, I was maybe 5 or 6 I got in a fight at zela davis in hawthorne, he kicked me in the balls fight over, my buddy steve benson interceded and it was over. in junior high school I got mad and called reggie a nigger when playing softball or something got into a scuffle with phil smith over that one. he ended up being a cop in lost angel. lets see. Oh yeah in port baily I got into a fight at the cannery with this short little black fellas who had a problem with being called boy, not sure if I meant it as racist, anyway he grabbed a chair and smashed me over the head, I grabbed him by the throat, but his cannery buddies saved him. I still have a giant scar on me head. we headed out the the fishing grounds in the morning and I just put a big bandaid over it. if I got stiches I would really look like a frankenstien. then there was the time in lynnwood washington I was drinking trying to buy some cocaine outside a bar asking some black fella. I was stupid, I had a 380 in my glove box, my caddilac hahah, anyway somehow he got in there and grabbed it. I started to chase him and he started shooting at me. well i retreated to my car and was going to run him over, but he escaped. thats about it. I played on a mostly black baseball team. it was like working for the mexican union or the alaska white union, or now the black union. they would not let you play, they let you pay. but no play. hahhhah home of the free. yeah I do better working on my own brain. these other brains are junk, mush.
yeah I think the blacks have it the worst,you know why? I shall tell you. the more not white you look, the worse chance you have. so in Jail at least in californication, its the mexicans against the whites. the make the indians and asians go with whites too. I tried to join the mexicans being 7/16 native american. well not really more like 7/16 Alaskan Native but I look white. that is the key. the more white you look the better your chances. but only dumb people can get ahead with connection like tristen or dave of cornerstone. I not sure how Olga got the job. bull legged chris… forgot his name already. wow im spilling my guts again. lets see who else I can piss off. cry like an eagle, let my spirit carry me. it is all bullshit. I pretty make this shit up as I go. i have to finish my drafting. my computer still dead sent it to californication and it came back worser hahah they said reset the ram. I did but it wont worky. motherboard or mother bored? shit costco ibuypower computers. Im using an old alienware from long ago. it only has windows 10 not good enough for 11. i had to cut the frame to make the graphics card fit. I know I should use my writing for good to help, but like fine wine. i would rather whine. somtimes I just think maybe if cancer comes aboard I will have reason to live. hahahah or a reason to drink go out with a flair. instead of withering away. i just want to say fuck you all, mother fuckers. fuck you fuck you and you too. well everyone except anyone who at least pretends to like me regardless of my silly ways or thoughts, which can and do change on a daily basis. so how do we keep the spark alive when we are heading to the grave. in our mins past, reliving past encounters. getting out of the box. not closet. the ugly truth I want to make sweet love to you. i will find peace when they find my dead corpse. that reminds me Tim is dead. wow tim is dead. he was gunned down by whitey, scared whitey. I think that could happen to me. but I think the mexican more likely to kill me. I see the hate. it is clear. not all of them stupid. my…. no I really love the mexican people as a whole. they have such great culture love for thier own kind. like the native in the villages. sometimes I wish i was white enough or native enough to really belong to one side or the other. that ship never was… o h I am close, like horseshoe close. at least my kids and decendants are white enough. how long will we survive? well the truth is our native is being erased with my family. we are heading into big fractions or small 64ths carpenters only fine finish carps know that shit. but Nome or great Nome. the Natives thrive by the grace of the white masters. the villages accross alaska thrive. Native love makes native babies.
how will they erase them? I think a great war perhaps. starve them out. breed them out. assimilate them into thinking they equals under the constituion or brainwash them with religion. it will be an ever changing occupation. I know I must embrace what god gave me. my whiteness its my saving grace in this shitty world. dick be white dick be write dick be right. hahah ok i need to do some work. i have to clean up the house today. sweet mary coming home for turkey day. maybe brother gilbert and kelly coming to dinner. Brother Elijah. such a biblical name. o no its not. whitewased from a hebrew name. where do all the lies end. jesus was rashwas or something. why not keep the true names, because nobody going to follow a Malachi or jawah the hut. ok that it for my shit show today. I love you all. anyone else wonder why tinitus underwater hog heaven.
I had a dream, she was watching me always watching. what is rape sex anyway? I think if she is pushing with legs against you, that contitues rape. unless she lets you in freely wanting you all in, then it is rape. how can we go on. my biggest pleasure is taking a big shit or gulping down some ice cold milk. or eating the good fat off of a steak. is it like a hooker who lets you fuck them for money but hates it like sewage in your water? who can pay for a hooker when you know they hate your intentions. I never saw the love in that. I have always loved being wanted free love. where is all the free love. its erased by disease aids herpes chiggers and diggers let me tell you about a man named jed.
lazy hip writing. that is what this is. now you know the rest of the story paul harvey
goodbye and goodnight
