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dont you know? I hope we all feel special, like a shooting star, Music, so good to feed the soul, that is from one of my favorite bands, perhaps would be #1 except mostly just really like the BAD Company Run with the Pack album, I even made a leather belt with BAd Company Imprinted on it at Diamond High school, my first experience with the Cold life of Alaska, I remember we used to "hooky bob" grab on the back of the bus and have it drag us down the road, me and gilbert were living with my dad on Arctic Blvd in a 2 bedroom apartment, it was the adventure of a lifetime, little did I know it at the time, I had a best friend Dave Cox, and some others. I look fondly back on those days, Watching Star wars many times [...]

the battle continues, the battle of the bulge, finally getting the drafting done, just have to dot some I's and cross some T's, but I had been thinking lately about us humans and the Earth we all share with many creatures, as I was running over and killing ants with my roller blades, I was thinking how it all began for me, watching Star Wars with Luke, Darth Vader and Obi Wan, The force, life force, that was a dominating part of the script, is alive in me, We are like one life force, if you add every creature on this Earth, and think of them as One, as a life force, The fact the we have all kinds of bugs crawling all over us at any given time, and even inside of us, living organisms, just because we think we are smarter than the [...]

Ok, been slacking in my new lifestyle diet, I am blaming this computer work and the stress of dealing with a Nonsense, bullshit city, this job is not as complicated as their expensive degrees cost, the more I think about it, especially after driving through the Mega Campus, they call ASU, the money spent on their Palace of stone, could be put to use building Online schools for all people. The Age of control through limited education is coming to an end. The sooner the better. Ok that is enough, I feel a little better, but have to get back to cracking, so far there have been quite a few bids, but not many hits, usually if they dont hire me, it does not get done, I have been hearing prices of 160 a square ft., and I am still hovering around 100, but that [...]

Well time to VENT, and not the kind in the car that keep you cool, More like the kind that show my teeth, The more I think about this Tempe project, the more I want out, it has become a lot of bullshit nonsense, They tell me, well we do the Underground for " Big companies and Jobs" which to me, means they could give a rats ass about regular people, I think I should have just suggested this job be done without, the Tempe bureaucratic procedures, could have done the whole job as an interior remodel, I know not too stoic, "the way things are" I just hate being a pawn in all this bullshit, Phoenix and Mesa, have progressive inspected projects, Tempe, the College city of Arizona, living in the age of "Control" I have had issues with a few cities, but most [...]

Well looks like there was some confusion on my part, at least that's the story, but good for me, they not requiring a bunch of nonsense drawings, bad news, they are holding me to a higher standard, like I am a drafter, well I do draft, but the difference? I build too. that is cool, more knowledge, I usually just try to slap these drawings together, without a billion code reference and all the expensive bullshit, but looks like I am going to have to add some of the same bs, that I do not like. blah blah blah I wonder if these videos even work, I got a new lens, it is wide, cheap as these usually cost a couple grand for good ones, but since I am just an rookie Am find and dandy yippe eye A LOL funny to self [...]

This whole stoic spok mentality is pretty enlightening, but also has lots of holes in the theory, so your not responding to the one thing everyone always says, listen to your gut, well, I know that is bullshit, I have more than a dozen times, felt like a winner, in my gut and bought a losing lottery ticket, I only buy them when I am feeling luck, or when it gets so large, you can use your imagination to all the fun stuff your going to do with the loot, that in itself is worth the ten bones. what about the dark side of this storyline, say for instance, your thoughts are right, your spouse is cheating and your thinking everything is hunky dory? I am sure they are justifying it in your behavior, what other explanation in their own head could they use? This [...]

OK, so I been watching Mindfulness courses again, This latest one was really good, I know it to be true, I had to look deep in into my eye. This is so Important: People react and act towards us, not because of US, but themselves, this can be so confusing. We really have to soak this up, Our thoughts, their thoughts, it is never about anything but is inside each and everyone of us. I have seen these things, that say, we most dislike in others, which is in us. It is so true, yet so hard to swallow, like me trying to swallow bread, gets stuck in the gaping hole in my throat the surgeon cut out, anyway this is a fact in my psyche, I see what I do not like in others, I also do not like in myself. confusing as fk [...]

As I have said before, I chose the Christian religion, or more accurately it chose me, I was born into the system of Christianity, I was baptised Russian Orthodox, and was an alter boy at an Episcopal Church, that is how I become a christian, I continued the path, mostly as a safety net, my biggest one when I asked God to give me the power to stop drinking, I have forever been grateful that he did, and now that I have been on the path to self enlightenment, my faith has grown stronger, this Stoic philosophy is excellent, but with God to ask for guidance and help, it is worthless to me. As a static hunk of muscle and bone, and perhaps some jelly brain, the path for me, whether born of faith or a blind passion to believe in an afterlife, it is [...]

I have to say that I am grateful to be born in the Greatest on Earth, how do I know, well I dont, but my time on earth and my monetary limitations, I will just have to be content with, I live a free Country with free speech, freedom of Religion, and equal but often not fair protection under the laws of our Country, that being said, I am also a Native American, that has lost his cultural identity, It was beaten, brainwashed and bred out of my family. What did they do to compensate? well first lets look at some facts, We are one of, if not the Richest Nation on this planet, just look around everybody with all these gadgets, cars, fancy clothes, and nobody looks like they are missing too many meals, O to the contrary, we are the fattest Nation on [...]

that post was all over the fucken place 🙂 wtf, ok, I need to knuckle down get some shit done. I just am getting frustrated at spinning my wheels on the same old bullshit, the wheels go round and round O let me tell you a story, my dog, ran after a coyote, I had to chase him, I got worried, he would get lost, found him, another one of my bonehead moves. this computer work is making me fat, I like thinking but, sitting at this computer is harder than digging, really it is. you know I been feeling sick, when I go out in public, walking around amongst the people, but when I am working, digging, Hiking pushing myself, I FEEL FINE, I am getting human phobic, I just want to be left alone... I am still working on my control of emotions, [...]

So growing older and obsolete, is that my future? unless I decide to run for president, looks like Joe joe biden is doing fine and dandy, still not sure he is not suffering from some form of dementia, I guess that is better than the Donalds Egotism, that brings up an interest thing about me, One of my defects of character, In AA you ask for God to remove your defects of character, lying, cheating, anger, apathy, and any other defect, that is causing you grief, the problem is, We have no Idea about our defects, I know that on a first name basis, I am still learning my defects, EGO, that is one of mine, it was fostered or festered over time, now this is where it gets a little tricky, as I am not a shrink or even a therapist, My dark side, [...]

I think it is impossible to not be influenced by outside sources, Unless your one of those Monks, you know the ones, they sit in their peace pipe smoking position and pray, then sure, no problemo, but for all of us schmucks that have a need for food and shelter? no way Jose, that is not going to happen, they key is who do you let influence you? your daddy? your mommy? you holy man priest? you squeeze, your best friend, Donald Trump? Joe Joe Biden? the Democratic party? the republican party? the Bible? the quran? your Native Corporation? as you see the list goes on and on, we are unidated with outside stimuli. I am not immune to this outside stimuli, in fact, I rather relish the whole experience, after all what is to be human, than to be part of a tribe? I [...]

this is profound, this is real, more real than anything else we know, I know  in the past, I have at times welcomed change, and at other times hated change, but it is the one constant that we can be sure of, not death and taxes, sure death is a a part of change, but change encompases everything, everywhere all the time, the one thing we must be is malleable, we must embrace change, for to ignore or resist change is to cause stress, we grow old, we change, the leaders change, our relationships change, the weather changes, the simple act of accepting change in all things, can be a simple life enhancer. I resist most times, I need to modify my thinking to be more accepting of change, sometimes I just want to stay the same old same old. so hard, especially when it [...]

I feel like i have lost most of our family, lost forever, how can that be, When we were young, we did not have much, but we did have family, lots of cousins, I like to blame the Native claims act, but it is more than that, it is deeper. this will be a remembrance of things lost to my younger generation, I feel need to vent, yet I will try to be like joe friday, the names have been changed to protect the innocent, after all we are all innocent, at least we have no choice in most things that happened or our station, we are the product of our experiences, often external, almost always not of our doing. let me first start with my fathers family, they grew up on Woody island,  a small island across from kodiak, they all grew up with [...]

Well, still having a time getting out of the hole, lots of jobs to bid on, but a lot a potential land mines, currently working on a project, the owner left town, does not respond to email. cant make up his mind, wants to save an archaic system, easiest for me, but why build a nice home and use junk, I cant continue until he makes a decision, I think this is starting to look like a setup, my stoic thinking is how to proceed and be virtuous? he seems nice and honest, how to get going, will have to send another email, I can still make this a nice home, yet too easy to get caught up in petty thinking, so far I am breaking even and paying bills, well kinda, had to borrow some to finish and my truck still broken, but should [...]

I have been doing lots of hard labor recently, mind numbing labor, that will drive you crazy, unless you have some good listening, well I did, I was listening to a college class on the 4 greatest religious humans that ever existed, or they think may have existed, these 4 were Muhammad, Jesus, confusion and Buddha, not sue if I spelled them wrong, but they not showing up red, so that is that,  this scholar or phd teacher was explaining all the things that were known, and some that were perhaps mythical, I know some will say, that I am a heathen, just for having an open mind, but I sitll follow the jesus man, and his really name was not even jesus, it was imut, or something like that. Palestinian or something, anyway, the teacher went into great lengths to describe the rapture, and [...]

That is one thing  I have heard, personally I would rather get strength from less stressful ways, it should aslo say, that it may bring strength, but it also kills: it kills in the way of stress, stress kills, that is a given, what is stress?  we all know what it is, our minds race with thoughts, our stomach churns, we drink, eat our way out of it; only to have it return again, and again, what is our only recourse to a stressful life? there is many ways, you can drink it away, eat it away, sex it away, but it will always return: the only way to beat it is with mindset, your own mindset, this has to be an internal mental control, not will power, but  a whole different way of thinking, The One things, and perhaps the only we control, is [...]

Working today in the Arizona heat, finishing up demo of the ducts and walls, took a big load to the dump, truck worked like a beast, the hottest it got was on the way home 206 it say 117 on the freeway, where it is really hot, that worked well sounds good, now I just gots to git her smogged, or him? do we call our rigs by girl or boy?  like a boat a girl I would guess, hey I wonder if that is sexist? maybe someday I will learn that too 🙂  do not see too many boats named in the male gender, but who knows I was getting baked, but it was mostly shade. but whilst I was doing my brain dead work, I was listening to this college course on death, yes there are bunches of classes, anyway pretty much a [...]

I have come to the conclusion that I talk too much, yeah well I do love to banter on incessantly, it is true, maybe even just to hear my own voice, afterall I have a lot to say, or at least I think so, but with a newfound mindset, of I know nothing, why I need to give my opinion on everything that i have an opinion on, is beyond me, it is a sickness of mine, I think this stems from perhaps my insecurities of being a dummy.  WE, or I let my insecurities rue my actions. The saying that we hate the things in others, that we hate in ourselves is so true, but all this is based off of the monkey wrench of a life, that we are, Our emotions, they define us, But that is not true, WE, or I can [...]

well its not so bad, under 180, when my highest was 235, but still aspiring to reach the goal of 160, perhaps I will get some deadly cancer and then I will win. oh well, the last fast, well it did not get any results, I was really not hungry, but lost no weight. I have hit a brick wall, still want some abs, to the fight goes on, but first must keep the wolves away:) my little speck of a human participle is still trying to find some meaning in this life, perhaps, it is only that I am a piece of the species, we call man. I know my purpose is to survive and thrive, to be a happy human, that I can do, but what else? Just survive for now.  I fixed my truck, I think, I had a broken tensioner and [...]

yes, worked on my truck today, before leaving to Denver my serpentine belt broke, so I bought a new one, and lucky for me, the old one was under warranty, but like doctors and today's medicine, I treated the symptoms, and not the cause, turns out my power steering pump was seized, causing my belt to shear.  Well have to work tomorrow and order a new Power steering pump and idler pulley off of amazon, hopefully I will be back in business soon, had some delicious ribs and salad for dinner, that's all folks  

I have come to this realization, in the last few years, embracing my life, and everyone that I have ever known, they are all a part of me, even the ones that I never got to know, the ones that wronged me, and the ones I have wronged, yes I am no angel, but this is a grateful tribute to all I have know, we are all on this spaceship we call Earth. I love all my memories, the good the bad and the ugly, they are the sum of who I am, So many experiences so many people, I love to stop and ponder the past, I know i have had some bad adventures, but they pass, just as easy as the good ones. I am so grateful for all of them, I love to look back at myself and think, what [...]