Welcome to my online Journal My Name is Richard

YOu know how you think your right, convinced you did the right thing? then it becomes convincing  yourself you did the right thing, well at that point, YOU KNOW, I failed my own test again. Damage control  is  trickier, I Like the live, forgive and forget in that order, sometimes things come sneaking back, best to be careful. I need a shocker, I can push a button when I get caught up. I always say it is harder with family, I want things to be good healthy and fun, maybe its not in the cards, but I must be virteous loving  and forgiving. I know its best to put blinders on, play dumb, and that can be easy baby easy. special thank you to Dr. Green

[armelse]

Big Dummy, yes that is me, I have to quit giving the bank away, everything starts and end with pricing. 900 on paint 2 days work, net after paint 300, no pay for me, that is how this job went usually by the end of the job, I am flush, not during the biden years, he won on his promise to save the world from covid, instead he got us supporting a War, and doing his damnedest to start a world war. lucky for us, the president has limited powers, but the rest of the dumshits keep pumping billions into the war. They are all profiteers, making money on the misery of Ukraine, this war is supported by Our government. this has been a regional conflict for 100's of years. now it may seem that I am blaming all my woes on this bullshit, not [...]

finished latest project is always a welcome relief. nice garage. looking forward to heading to Anchor town for about a week.  hocus focus, what is important?  I think making a check of myself and keeping on a even keel, no politics or My opinions would be a great start, try to listen...... hard for me, I need a shut off switch for me flapper 🙂 hahaha no can do seek fun build relationships build trust nurture be nature and nurture. time for some gaming uhhh ok, I was thinking about Hate, you know when you h8t someone.   I can honestly say, I hate nobody on this planet or anywhere. I often wonder if their is hate for me out there? for the most part we are left to guess if someone even likes us.  we can not waste time of such frivial thinking    

WHAT IS NEXT?

I love this song, for me it means more than just a personal relationship, but in all things, about accepting whatever comes my way, I guess this has always been my mantra, just in the past few years has it grown to be part of my character, on the other hand, just laying down and accepting everything has never been my way.  I know that without mixing it up, little happens in life, nobody is going to throw me a rope or lifeline, or even give a rats ass. that is the way it is, live it deal with it. I have had a successful life, very successful, let me tell you why, I broke the cycle, no not a bicycle, but the cycle of poor pitiful me, the cycle of  family abuse, child abuse, uh.. (my precious might debate this) but overall, the cycle [...]

feeling a little on the fat making side today, I know I was drinking too much milk again, that stuff is addicting to me, but o it feels so good. I am just a human sensor, I live my life now, sensing everything, from sounds, vision, food, people and my own thoughts, this I have been aware of but not until I heard it on another lecture on Wonderium in a new course called how to stop overthinking, and as it turns out, some of my overthinking is not that at all, actually most of it is making educated mostly well thought out decisions. and the rest.. POPPYCOCK, yes mind bullshit, fabrications, which can not be stopped by any amount of thinking, they can only be worsened by adding fuel to the fire, the fire is the problem, the internal thoughts may always [...]

Well got the roof framed and almost ready for inspection, I do need to rethink my business model, breaking even is not as desired as you would expect :/ I read this article in JLC light Construction about billing cost plus, and I think that is the way I need to go, this and charging for estimates, I have been using square ft pricing and it works, until they change all the variables. that is work, I am thinking about posting on my 2tribes site about this last project.  I am pretty much breaking even, only without being able to pay myself, but cover my expenses to  live on this earth, and not new tools, I did have to buy a new Sawzall, or reciprocating saw, cuz I dropped me old one, a few two many times, the last one cracked its skull, well its [...]

I have this recording of my granny on my phone, she talks of marrying her own kind, this has been something that has been floating around in my brain for quite some time. My mon married her own kind, my dad was at least part Native, and it turns out Scandinavian & Scottish  too.  they did not last long, well if you ask them, they last a long long time, 10 years, Ive been married over 30 years, wow, that is a grand thing. that someone, anyone could stand me for more than a few years, you know, my longest job, was 2 years, so for me, it is a milestone. ok I have concocted a conspiracy theory, ok so it is as crazy as old Erik Ollestead. Ok the backdrop is derived from that old hillbilly working at the Alaska Native hospital who said [...]

We choose what we see. when I am about and about I try to see happy people, yet most of the time, the happy people are far and fleeting, is this the face of our lives? our own perceptions can be misleading, yet I can not shake the feeling we are all doomed to life life of robots. unhappy and always wanting more, please sir, can I have some more, one of my favorite quips for a poor london kid begging for some food. I am trying to wonder why eye see sad people, is this because they are sad?  are we all under this supervision or restraint of the populous? the popular views? I'm going to give to much information in these next clips, because I am losing my ability to give a rats ass. really, what is this all for if we are [...]

my fingers hurt my toe throbs after a week of  roof framing, it went well, got the gable fascia installed, just need to do the eaves, took longer than expected, but I tried to make everything true and straight, looks good. I feel good but me body is tired, it feels good, real good actually, I can not imagine just laying around and trying to feel good, just dont see it.   So I had a conniption, or shit fit bout just bullshit. sometimes I have no idea what drives me, I do know that I have to make sure to keep my composure, sometimes a quip is more than just a quip. The truth, I have a lot of baggage, stuff that I have been carrying around for years, it is the reason I have no problem drawing upon it to induce anger  and [...]

Wow, had a great time in Washington State, was everything I expected and much more 🙂  my son Richard was playing his new album, had a good family showing from both sides of the isle, and some childhood friends from Arizona (Richards) I have none :/ lol  I will post his songs on here, they pretty good, even thought I heard some skynyrd  sounds, tuesdays gone with the wind, but not exact or even close just the same vibe 🙂 but alas, as this is my vent machine, my diary, my say what I want feel and fuk the rest.... Not really but, I feel some pain, the pain of others, the same pain I live with and try to escape, it runs rampant in my family, its like a family disease. I just have to say, my wife's family is not included in my [...]

I been busy as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. started the framing, been focused, keep forgetting my camera to make videos, next week, anyway hit a snag of sorts, a couple of days ago after getting the beams all up and framed in, I got home, tired but feeling good, but while the shower, I noticed something in my eye, it would not wash out, it was really pesky and painful, anyway I been focus on the framing and gitn er done. I went the next day and was doing pickup bull this and my eye was killing me, mostly when I looked a certain way, I ended up quitting early and heading to the Indian hospital, lucky for me they had an opening at the Salt river clinic, I raced over, but at the building,  it said "Clinic Closed"  anyway [...]

yes, more than a feeling, I wonder if birds worry about thier next meal, or do they just go out and get it? I wonder because you dont see to many fat birds 🙂 at least too fat to fly. I broke my fast, well.. kinda I had dinner with my sister and brother in law, I think that is what they are, my wifes brother and his wife?    all these damn labels, anyway i have just thought of him as my wife's  brother. WE had some Mexican food, it was pretty good, overcooked the meat, but better safe than sorry, I usually get the fajitas, pretty healthy unless you eat the tortilla. I have been also eating some macadamia's and sardines in olive oil. feel pretty good, got back to my pre fall from grace weight. I really want to get down to [...]

Ok, last night was the first night without the crazy legs, I did use a heating pad, more convenient than a soak. I switched to the old atkins fat fast, which included an avocado, small can of red salmon, macadamia nuts and a nice guzzle of organic milk, but still fasting, well actually I am mostly on a 4 to 8 fast, which means only eating during those hours.  not problem, easy peasy. except need my coffee fix 4 to 8 cups a day. I will try to keep the keto aspect for awhile until I lose a few more pounds. maybe take a hike today. I should work on the pavers, but not as much fun as being out on the trails. I have come to a apex of an epiphany, ahah aI know it improper:/ The News might as well be the National [...]

what is normal, I guess it is different for everyone. you every ask someone a question, and they ignore It?   I think that means fk off, at least in my tiny brain. what are some people afraid of? hurting your feelings by saying the wrong thing? I dont know about you, but I would rather someone just say beat it fuck off. why waste you time and my time? so many questions Anyhoo, well I am on day 4 of my fast, yesterday was a little tough, I was getting hunger pangs, they only last a sec or two, but come back unless I trick them with some; turmeric laced with chicken broth, or some hot cinnamon water; or a bite of some ginger, all these help get over the hump; also had a scoop of organic wheat grass powder,  that is not  a real [...]

We all come with an expiration date, but unlike milk or credit cards, we have no Idea when our time will come. Gordon Puller recently passed away, I did not know him personally, but more as a Native leader in the Kodiak community,  I remember seeing him on planes headed into the emerald island. He chose the tribal route in Native affairs, which was behind the scenes more than the "Corporate Natives"  which I suppose comes with  a lot less feuding and posturing to make the big time. Condolences to Gordon, he seemed like a good person:(

I dare not, I do not, yet I do My mind is a fickle monster. I have to come to the big Picture, soak it in, become one with the picture. that is Nobody wants to be told how to think, how to feel, how to eat, they need to find that on themselves, I am powerless to help the world, it gives me anguish to no end. I have recently been under siege, my condition, crazy legs, increased calorie consumption, feeling stress, lack of sleep. So it was time for a reset, that includes a saltwater flush, clean out that Colon, i have done this for years, sometimes year apart, but it always cleans out the tubes. I remember the first time, I was over 200 lbs, probably 210 or so,not my fattest, but fat enough to feel like shit most of the time, [...]

We have so many label for everyone, we are just that way, in our minds, we just label people, off the bat. I think if instead of looking for something different, we should look for things that we share in common.      

Well I found a good book, it is called "the Power of now" written by Eckhart Tolle, it is a guide to a life of mindfulness. I have a pile of books to read, but this one has gone to the top of the list, he writes clearly about a difficult subject, our own minds. To be able to control oneself in this topsy turvy world can be difficult if not impossible.  We are bombarded with media, news and just useless information. to find the truth, you must seek the truth, even then, it can be a quagmire to navigate to an honest answer, who do we trust?  I say nobody, the news, for sure not, the American politicians? absolutely NOT, the Russian Oligarchs? no way, they all have money we working humans could only dream of pissing away, all the while spending it on [...]

short so the Ego is not a good thing, I know this, yet it is part of who I am. We are our Ego, like the peacock, who ruffles his feathers, I know to keep it in check, but without some personal bravado, not at the expense of others, but some personal triumph, I dont think I could have, or would have done most of my life, I would be living  somewhere or nowhere, but not the same, even the one-eyed man has to have some ego, or sense of self worth. mine cam from fighting, sleeping around and using my brain. I know that my Ego is me, but not me. confused, I am at times, try living in me brain I used to call my organ brain, as I followed him wherever:) I remember being in the carpenter school, when I started out, [...]

I was reading some facebook post, mostly I try not to get into judging other peoples thinking, except on here, my safe place :/ yeah right! So any hoo, there is an awful lot of post how, christians, at least, they proclaim to be in the know. They are saying without christ you are no good, or words to that effect. Now i AM no christian scholar for sure, but that was the reason Christ was crucified, for believing different than the Romans. This rings of some crazy Christian like David Koresh, Jim Jones, charley Manson and Keith Raniere just to name a few, to me jesus was about forgiveness and  love this smacks of low self esteem, to me. how can anyone be so inclined to believe, do they even know the history of their own religion? I have decided, as time allows to [...]

Well I am tired for sure, just paid 4 grand to home depot, that is hard, but at least I can pay it, and have most of the lumber I need, I am probably making Alaska Apprentice wages at this point, like brother gilbert likes to say, working for peanuts. well its all me own faults, I know this, I was pretty cocky, I could build a garage for that price, well, I can, but not much left over after paying the price butchers, just osb alone went from 13 bones to above 50, and they have no shortage of supply, Home depot is stocked to the brim. never seen so may tools and lumber, same with the tool houses, its all a fucken greed grab, just like gas and all the bullshit, the concrete companies are putting the screws in too, well they want [...]