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living just for dying, dying just for you, that is a black sabbath song, kind of dark, but I never really listened to the lyrics, if is sounded good, I liked it, now.. well it is hard to like and sing Sabbath bloody sabbath, really, that sounds bad, bloody sabbath, dumb kids, will sing anything, well that was as hard as my rock n roll tastes every reached, that quite riot, maybe some alice cooper, but for  me good old southern rock, Lynnard skinard, hhahah , i know bad spelling. Creedence, and I love love Johnny Cash, the man in black. my all time favorite band is the Eagles, growing up it was Bad Company, still like them, but they have limited hits, only like one of forgery's new songs  "dejavu all over again"  might be rambling, as i have work to do, drafting some [...]

What should be the most important thing taught? I am not sure, I used to think that it was to believe in God, and still do for me, but I think even more important, is to know that we are all in a mixer of sorts, we do not have  a choice, we are born to parents and situations, we have not control over. watching these crime shows on tv, and the lack of any real life, some people are born in to is depressing, they wonder why we have so much crime, the lack of oversight on the worlds children, we have come a long way, but there is still work to do. Most times the best we can do is to break a cycle, of abuse alcoholism, poverty, crime, abandonment, to reverse course and give our children a fighting chance. Shouldn't Children's rights [...]

well, I  saw this video on Facebook , it says you must see this video, a sucker for  a good line, I pulled up the YouTube video, after watching it, I felt like just jumping off a cliff, so depressing, the whole point was long on this small brain, the video had some person in a very monotone, almost emotionless speaker selling the atheist view, he could not sell  snow cones in the dessert, he kept saying over and over, "when you dead your dead" nothing happens, his point was to live now, but that was a piss poor outlook, Know, I am sorry, as to be judgmental on faith based issues, has been one of my pet peeves, even for Jesus people, that say your going to hell in a handbasket if you dont change our sinful ways, or any religion that shoves their [...]

Well, I had a setback, been eating some butter sandwiches, they are delicious, I did use healthy bread, but ate  few too many, setback are part of the whole trying to get healthy body and mind journey for me.  I am sure there are some people that just hop right in on these things and are one and done, i have a lifetime of bad habits, and demons to battle, right up my alley, but it is a quest, and still in the back of my mind, I say is it all worth it? I see how people just say, ok, I'm out, of the rat race, the relations roller coaster and just say fuck it. I really try to have fun in life, that has been my mission, I mean, why else would we even bother? right? are we content to work our assess [...]

waste of time applying for a Native allotment, the land is useless, unless you have a boat or float plane, useless, like usual the government makes sure only useless land iis given to Natives no sense in wasting any more time, as the stotics say, you have to deal with life as it is, not as it should be, or you want it to be  

I really enjoy watching birds, all birds even the plain ugly ones, I know my dad also liked the birds, he would always name the ducks, it is funny in a kida hypocritical way, in which we can admire these things and on next moment be eating them for dinner. We have this bird feeder and liked it so much, we went out and got a bird bath for them too, We are bird Central. I often wonder about eh lives of birds and other animals, are they happy, do they even consider if they are happy, is that our problem, thinking too much? those damn birds in my front yard, seem pretty damn happy, or watching the hawk high up in the sky, gliding along, like he doesn't have a care in the world, is that bird content? does that bird or any of [...]

dying and death has always been on my mind, many times, could have died, like the time, I looked up and was going 80 miles per hour and 20 ft in front of me was the flat bed of a semi, It would have killed me and perhaps decapitated me, had I not looked up, I was able to swerve to  the shoulder lane, just one example of my potential demise.  I have too many to list, like the many times, drinking, never to wakeup, I often wonder if I want to die without experiencing my death, like bleeding out, or dying slowly from cancer or more accurately the drugs, trying to extend life or cure the cancer, those last moment, last breath, just another one of life's experiences. we dont get to choose, unless we decide to end it ourselves, which is not in [...]

MY stoic course is coming along, the latest greatest is quite a revelation, actually in line with my current thinking, but at a much higher level, it boils down to expecting people to be bad, yes expect bad drivers, mean, nasty people, to expect anything else, is well, ignorant, that has been my opinion, along the lines of everybody has a different upbringing, or circumstance, that is inline with christian thinking in the turn the other cheek, love thy neighbor mentality, but at a higher level, more precise.  The Sotic philosophy involves living according to nature, that means, being a good person to nature, and that further means, To be good to nature is to be good to our nature, which is, that we are a social creature, so be a good social human, good for all mankind, acceptance, that not everyone lives at the [...]

Life and death is an inevitable fact of this great thing we have been blessed with called life, somehow we must come to some kind of acceptance, that life is not fair, at least for some, and it is never easy, especially when it comes as a a surprise of or too soon,  We have had many pets, and my heart aches for all of them, I remember we had this pup, I named her Sally, we were living in Gilbert Arizona, she was a pretty lab pup, she died in my Arms, I felt powerless as she passed, much too soon, my eyes welled up, and short of wailing, I was heartbroken, we had anther Dog, Arnold, a german shepard, he too passed as a pup, I never really got to know either of these two pups, they passed way before their prime, or [...]

So, I had set my post to private, but after a good sleep, decided it is better or left on, my reason, it makes me angry to be portrayed as some lecherous internet troll. Yes, I can not control what people think. I have not always chosen forgiveness over confrontation, yet it is the only path for my sanity and well being. The Evil will eventually die, Evil is as evil does. The trick, to defend myself without naming names, yes I know the sources of this slander, those who perpetuate, often under the cloak of an angels wings, it would do me no good will, to join in the same game. I am still a father, and it is far better to be that of a forgiving person, than one that is runs on envy, greed, revenge or whatever fuels their black hearts. For [...]

we got a plastic kayak at Dicks Sporting goods store, heavy but very safe, Mary first time kayaking, she had fun, our biggest problem was the dogs,  at first, both of them went on my board, all was fine and dandy, until sweet mary got the hang of her kayak, she got too far away, and created some great anxiety for our dog Sophie, who, despite not liking the water, jumped in and swam toward sweet Mary, well, Rhaegar may seem like a big and tough German Shepard, but he loves Sophia, and so he jumps in too, that pretty much summed up the rest of the day, dogs crying and jumping toward Mary, and Rhaegar crying for Sophie, a viscous cycle, we decide next, time not dog, I will take the dogs on my lone trips. Nice 80 degree weather, the  lake water was [...]

yes, growth either muscle, mental, or relationships takes work and can be  painful, but the lack of is stagnation, or worse atrophy The Key is moderation and thinking before acting, and perhaps a good journal to vent on 🙂 Yesterday, I took the dogs to canyon lake, its about 1/2 hour drive from out house, I had no idea, how things would go, for one thing, I had not tried the paddle board, except in the pool, but it was good and buoyant.  I forgot to take their leashes, so I used some line (rope) to keep them "leashed" unfortunatly, Rhaegar almost choked sophie to death, back in the truck they went, I got the paddle board positioned in the water and retrieved my 2 canine freinds, luck for me as soon as I jumped on the paddle board, on my knees, they both jumped [...]

Ok, so I have embraced this stoic thingy, called phil os o fee, but as I said, I am not  giving up on God, I mean, who do I cry to, when times are bleak? who will I think is walking me through my life journey when times are tough, and they will always fluctuate, as long as I can breath, no I refuse to give my my Belif in God, and God had given me the Christian religion, well the Russian orthodox, then the Episcopal, and now the new "All in Agreement" Christianity, whereby, it takes all things in agreement and throws out anything not, so pretty much the Ten Commandments.  I still find it ignorant for One christian faith to attack another over beliefs, always will. I remember reading all the booklets condemning the Catholic for their practices, the list goes on and [...]

Ok, so this stoicism has been on my mind, my latest class, was centered around, not just knowing this philosophy, but practicing it, faith without works is, blah blah blah, sorry forgot the words anyhoo reacting as apposed to digesting, that is the theme, it is so true, I have been doing this my whole life, reacting, reacting, my growth has been centered around this, but my whole upgrade since AA has been flawed, let me explain: AA teaches you that we are flawed and we do make mistakes and have these resentments, so we are to admit when we are wrong, which are often the results of reaction. someone gives you a dirty look, you grimace or return the favor, right. let me see,  I need a better analogy.. The AA system, in which I have been a part of includes, yes we do [...]

I got confused by all the stoicism going on around me, not This whole stoicism, rings true and in line with how my thinking has evolved over the years, well except the atheist part, that my friend is a little hard to swallow, especially if it is true, we are just figment of some being  existence, happenstance of sorts, might as well be an illusion, but it is more important is what a person chooses to believe, right?  That  is the whole crux of our existence, perhaps the thing that makes us human. I am pretty sure my dog, cat or a wild coyote, has no opinion on the afterlife,  a diety, or religion or anything other than the here and now, or perhaps a scooby snack. my brain hurts, 🙂  It is far easier to just follow the leader,  religion that was given to [...]

That leads me into my first story, dreaming, what are we dreaming of? I see dead people, well they alive in dream, but their time has passed, this week, Don Vinberg, I fished for him on the Dee Donna J, best fishing ever, best Capt. and crew, my dad was on the corks, Norman Kasheveroff and Mike Cash were in on Deck, I was the skiff monkey, with a prodigal son Randy, something or another, his dad was some big shot skipper, as I recall, The s0ns of the skippers, were often the elite fisherman, never longing to get on a highlander, but born into a solid fishing career, perhaps as some of my family, my brother Tollak, was born into the Carlough regime.  These fisherman had fishing in their veins, but the sons of Captains, like Dj and Randy, very hardcore fisherman, I remember [...]

Crazy old man, that is what I will be if I live to be a hundred, that is for sure, but at 58, and  spry and healthy, can it be the perception of me now? How far out can I be, for me, it is a question of, to be or not to be I am a baby boomer, We have generations of family alive right now, from the baby boomers  to the current generation of Gen Alpha, wow so many Generations, I thought my father was from the baby boomers, but before us there was the Silent Generation, maybe because they made the Natives, silent, not sure, it also incudes me mum, and well she not silent, but she does not know of lick of Native and she is almost half, my sister is in the Generation X, My children are all  Millennials, I [...]

Kodiak, had become a kind of refuge over the years, the best of times, the worst of times, actually mostly the best of times, what adventures I have had on that magical island. from our first experiences of set netting in Uganik, with my parents to fishing solo with my pops, and another trip with my brother tollak on a submarine type craft, they called it a jitney, it was pretty much just a power skiff, with a shell, but this story Is more of the characters along the way. Ted Pestrikoff, lived in a small cabin our in Uganik, his home now owned by others, he rowed us home, when pops went to the cannery, that is a nice journey for an older gent, but he people of kodiak are not of the same breed as normal humans, more like suped up humans, fisherman, [...]

Well I got the jOhnson and johnson vaccine on 3.31.21 about 2 weeks ago, time flies when your having fun, looks like they recalled it, or paused it, I did notice, my smell had become blunted, yet I still smelled the dog, I have an acute olfactory sensory system, so it was a little discerning, but it is back. Most of  the effected by the blood clot deal are younger women, so not a big worry, be the shits, if I died from a vaccine to protect me from a perhaps benign virus, at least to me, perhaps, not sure. But all is well in my health world, as long as I eat little and exercise, my symptoms seem to be abated, perhaps, one day I will find the right doctor or test to pinpoint my medical issues, oir I will just suddenly die... that [...]