putting my life in perspective.
how do I put it into perspective? wasted days and wasted nights, were all wasted.
eye do not fucking know
so much to do, so little time.
You know, I have been talking about only having 20 years left on my existence, that is on my mind. It has to be, but not in a worry sense, but in a learn to enjoy the now, there is no waiting, wasting away in margaritaville.
some people say there is a woman to blame, but I know its my own damn fault. love that tune, anyway RIP song singer.
so coming to grips with this life, I know most of it is not under my control. I had a good trip, it was a long trip, it was tough, so many decisions to make, I had a plan, but it ended up being on the fly, it worked out, I made it back to base. I was disappointed in people for the most part, I had high hopes, you know, like the ant that had high hopes. I can only retrospect, that it wasnt me, it was them. complicated people.
maybe they want to believe their own lies? let me see, put myself in their shoes… I just cant.. I would not spread things I knew nothing about without first had experience. maybe they ashamed? shame shame hahah wgaf who gives a fuck. I am feeling squirrely today. my adventure continues. I had been kinda vacillating lately, what do I do next, I had a few options, my first option came through, I always have these doubts, and then form plan b, then c. I have to make a move towards all plans.
I did, but lady luck was on my side, plan A is moving into play, now I have to start building the mindset for success.
I have to look at my self in the face, in my good eye. and say, yes I have fallen short, how can I improve my chances for success, and I already know the answer,
THROW AWAY MY EGO, toss it in the fucking trash. BE A SOLDIER. stay focused on the task, the mission. I have to not worry about what people think of me, that is the key to success. living in the movement, sucking in the air, and feeling the moment of being alive.
my thoughts are my worst enemy, let me explain. like a dream, I do not manufacture them, you know, in the past, I thought that I did, my first mistake, they can be either hidden fears, wants, EGO, or just a body reaction to eating the wrong food, not enough of the right food, the list goes on an on. The key is to know, they play automatically, like when the radio comes on, and they switch from a song to an advertisement, you can listen to the ad, or you can switch channels. for me the first thing I am learning to do, realize this is an “auto play” I first feel it, feel it before feeding it. maybe even play with it, but turn the mother fucker off, and say ok, that was an auto play. do not under any circumstance try to validate it. maybe a few, but more honest is to invalidate it. can I prove it right now? I have to be honest, this is a major thing for me. this is a living nightmare. when I am down, feeling down, or just procrastinating, or commiserating in my own thoughts, this is when it strikes. NONE OF THIS THINKING IS ANY GOOD FOR ANYONE, FOR ANYTHING JUST WASTE. I have to beat the beast, worry about what other people are thinking, what they are saying. just be my own fucking self. you know what, I actually look for people to show their colors. it gives me permission to say, ok, great, I get to not give a fucking rats ass in hell about you NOW and forever, but that really is not me. people change, look at me. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I love life, much more than I ever did. I love everyone, even the ghosters, the ignorers, the haters, the baiters, everyone, because I know this life if fucked. we are doomed to die, like the grass, like that fly you just killed. We are all programed from birth, by culture, by society,by family what is expected from us, or maybe we are just surviving from the get go, right out of the womb, they wonder why people like drugs drinking, food, sex, all these help us forget all the mind fucking we have endured. We have no respite, every0ne has expectations on how everyone else is supposed to act, think, to be, and not just our own selves. it is all confusing, and to top it off? we are in a world that has so much contradictions, so much hate and violence.
So with all this, how can I go around condemning people? I can not. the more you are aware of this, the more you can see it in other, more Importantly, the more you can see it in yourself. hey let me take a break to say a few kind words about people that I have encountered, that I admire.
first of all this guy: David Shuckman, he decided the world was too crowded, and he did not have children. he has great presence, I was impressed. the other person, is my customer, 3 time customer Lee McDaniels, not only for his smarts, but his tenacity, this guy is tough, 75 years old, he works like he is 20, but the wisest 20 year old I ever saw. these 2 Men are my role models. I see in them, what i want in myself. the presence of mind. the toughness. I am not impressed with too many people, they seem to always show their colors, not intentionally, but mostly with a blatant disregard for acute perceptions of empaths and other, who analyze such things as every word you say, ill be watching you, this is my curse. ( see above) just as words or expressions tell a story, so does the lack of a response.
ok, I am tired of spewing what every comes to my mind, let me go to a specific storylines, I had been thinking about.
Pee and Poop, yes you heard it. just like death, people are very uncomfortable talking of such things. they find it vulgar, and they happen to be half assed vulgar words in our world, but lets look at this, these are just bodily functions. normal, the most normal. Im going to tell you something you may think is obscene, I find the quality of my life and mindfulness connected to being able to enjoy a visit to the bathroom, a nice long pee or a nice poop. just as a nice deep relaxing breath, saying no matter what I am going to be all right. we are all going to die, so dont worry about it, just enjoy right now. this has not always been the case. crazy huh?
you know what, I am procrastinating, i have lots of things to do, my shit is all disorganized, i AM THINKING IF I DIED TODAY, LOOK AT THE MESS i WILL LEAVE. really, it makes me a little sad inside. i would like to organize my crap, eventually or just throw it all away, except my tools, but they all over the place too. I am a tool whore, gadget whore, clothes whore, a shoe whore too. I grew up without a pot to piss in. you know what, I love that I grew up poor. I only could go up, well that is not true… the prisons are full of people who got poorer. or went down down down, the flames grew higher higher and higher.
I just like to talk or type, anything or nothing, I really want to vent on everyone, but that will only show my true disdain for the lives of people, that are really of no consequence to me. it is my EGO that speaks to me, but wasted thoughts, wants, can only be poison to my own self.
adventure awaits me matey, pirates gold, or fools gold, the prize is not the gold, but he journey. It must always be the journey,the right NOW. the existence. I think, therefore I am.
O O k enough of my nonsense, how about me sharing some of my stupid pet tricks.
I got a haircut, the shortest that I have had in a long time, I like it, well maybe a little too short, but i dont have to comb it. still gray as a cloud, but I likes it.
so I am going to start cutting it myself, with some length cutting shears, I am thinking maybe an all over 8 to start, maybe 12 on top, its a 4 on the sides now and not sure the number she did on the top, I will have to experiment. I always had this self hair cutting in the back of my mind, recently johnny long hair showed me his self cut, not too shabby, it was actually a good hair cut, and fast free, except for initial purchase.
what else, let see, so I did an FBI record request, to see what the boys in blue are advertising about me. there is a lot more in than I thought, but nothing I saw should bar me from buying machine guns. lots of bullshit charges, pisses me off really, these mother fucking cops bastards. well I am wooing to say that, I know they are just doing their jobs, its more of government. i actually respect and admire most cops. good people trying to make the world a better place. I have gotten into pickles, been arrested many time, but never a criminal. it makes me sick. if they charge someone with a crime, and it is dismissed or result in a misdemeanor or infraction, they should have to pay or be fired to hung by the neck until they are dead. watching these cops and detective shows, you see how common it is for them to overcharge people to get them to cooperate, even if they are already. mfkrs. let me be frank, not the name, but speak frankly. I knew I could have been a criminal, not a thief, but maybe an enforcer, or worse, but I made the decision to work and make an honest living. I knew drinking could get me killed or jailed, but it was never premeditated, I used to try and will power myself to not drink and drive. never worked. So I WILL FOReVER BE LABELED. its good to know, not going to waste time on those people. almost 40 years and they still fucking me. I will seek them out. ok crazy old man stfu.
hey, I been watching some new Tv toob series, starts with 1883 1923, and now on Yellowstone, pretty good entertainment. I highly recommend. not very realistic, but very entertaining. I also have been watching Vikings again, better this time around. I really like this whole Valhalla thing, so here is what it is, if you die in battle you go to Valhalla, which is you get to battle everyday, then if your killed you awaken to party all night, then it starts all over again the next day, I am not sure what i promised in heaven, everlasting life, might be boring? dont you think, not sure what that means, maybe they have a Valhalla heaven:/ Valhalla sounds like everlasting life and adventure. not sure why it did not catch on? jk
ok i have to get busy. I have to prepare for new adventures.