well, looks like tragedy and life have met again in my world, My cousin John son Devin has passed away at a young age, such a sad thing to lose a child at a young age. I can not help but wondering how why and what we could have done to save him, although I have no idea how he passed, and none of that matters now, he has  came and gone, just as we all shall pass in time. We exist then we cease to exist, at least in the realm of the know on this earth.  Word: it seems maybe cold to even talk in such a manner, but it is the naked truth. death becomes us all.  We are all going to die on this earth.  We can come to peace with it, or perhaps just busy our mind and forget about the upcoming event. This death thing has been a big part of my life, since I first realized that I was going to die, I cried, I was a child, my uncle died in Vietnam, in a helicopter crash. He had been wrestling with me and my brothers on the carpet in our home on walnut springs in California, the next we hear is he was dead. I cried, not so much for him, as for my own self, my real first epiphany, it has plagued me most of my life of all things, death has been an ominous creature waiting to devour my life, somehow, perhaps by the grace of god, I am still alive. I am a survivor of myself. I still feel a need to live as long as I can, longer faster happier. We can have all the religion and faith in the world, but what we really have is LIFE, we have a life right this moment. I am alive, I can tell you this right this minute, seem basic, but do we even know what that means?  what it means to me? I can only say, the one thing I have in this life is me, my thoughts, my actions. I want to live to be a 100, I want to live as long as I can, but not infirm, or unhappy, I want to live as  a fee soul, to feel love, to be loved, but I can not control such things, only my love and my thoughts are under my control. I must be happy and content, yet I must survive and struggle to live a good life. the struggle and the path are both the same. I must embrace the bad as well as the good. Just as I have embraced life, I have embraced death, I have predisposed myself to accept all death of everyone I know as a natural part of living.  my fear is still strong, yet I fight it with a pain that is bearable. I can think of no death that has such consequence as a child, the younger the more pain, a life never lived to the full reaches, to reach the 50’s and 60’s where there can be peace and acceptance. I see lots of younger and older people, who never get to the calm of life, it is not easy, and perhaps impossible at a younger age, I see the pain of my family in their 20’s 30’s even 40’s, I can not help wonder if they had been better prepared, they would not have to suffer their own emotional response.  Our biggest pain is in our own minds, we are what we think, or better explained, we are what we choose to think, better even yet, we are NOT our first emotion, our first thoughts are very wrong most of the time.

I just got back from Colorado visiting my son and daughter, I feel such guilt, yes guilt is a thing, it had been from my ignorance and how they were raised. they were raised by me and my sweet Mary, Even though I had the training of AA behind me, We did not focus on the most important things. “Emotional Intelligence” Seems like a simple phrase, yet it has far reaching life consequence to success or peace of mind. Even though it seems silly that we are worried what everyone thinks of us, and as we get older we dont care anymore, then we realize when we are dying, that nobody really gives a rats ass about you anyway, that is so true, so why worry what anybody thinks of you right now? why? that does not mean just go do whatever and whoever you want, but we are under the control of so many forces.  the extreme right, the extreme left, our parents, our church, our governments, the police, the facebook friends, Work, family, friends, brothers, sisters.  mothers fathers, the list goes on. how do we find peace?

There will never be any peace if your peace has any connection to anything but yourself, one thing in this life that we can control is our thoughts, we are not dogs, but we act like dogs, for instance, our dogs hear a doorbell on the TV tube and they go berserk. WE are that way too, we get an emotion and we react, the more we react, the more it controls us.

let me get back to my guilt, I am guilty of not focusing on my children’s emotion intelligence, because you can not teach, what you do not know, what do I do now? they are all grown,  They can no longer trust me, as they seen my react like an emotional ping pong ball most of their growing up, how do I fix this mess, can they even learn to control their emotions in their 20’s and 30’s?

Thinking back to me in those days, yet I was a “special case” I was barely able to grasp the concept of AA let alone, that my own thinking was rigged at a young age. WE are all programmed to be workers, our reactions are an easy way to control people, and not secret mind control by the FBI, but media, schools, Government. WE are not truly free unless we embrace our gift of reason, our gift to think above our emotions. O father, what have I done. how can we break the cycle, are we all doomed to be sheep of our emotions and the powers that be? Can we create lineage that passes down the biggest secret of a truly happy life, self awarness and the reward to seek to be a good person, not a rich or wealthy person, but a truly good person, to raise good people, to pass that on to the next generation. RIP Devon Simeonoff I held you in arms, now you are gone, I wish I could have met you as and adult. prayer for my cousin John