my bullshit

living just for dying, dying just for you, that is a black sabbath song, kind of dark, but I never really listened to the lyrics, if is sounded good, I liked it, now.. well it is hard to like and sing Sabbath bloody sabbath, really, that sounds bad, bloody sabbath, dumb kids, will sing anything, well that was as hard as my rock n roll tastes every reached, that quite riot, maybe some alice cooper, but for  me good old southern rock, Lynnard skinard, hhahah , i know bad spelling. Creedence, and I love love Johnny Cash, the man in black. my all time favorite band is the Eagles, growing up it was Bad Company, still like them, but they have limited hits, only like one of [...]

well, I  saw this video on Facebook , it says you must see this video, a sucker for  a good line, I pulled up the YouTube video, after watching it, I felt like just jumping off a cliff, so depressing, the whole point was long on this small brain, the video had some person in a very monotone, almost emotionless speaker selling the atheist view, he could not sell  snow cones in the dessert, he kept saying over and over, "when you dead your dead" nothing happens, his point was to live now, but that was a piss poor outlook, Know, I am sorry, as to be judgmental on faith based issues, has been one of my pet peeves, even for Jesus people, that say your going [...]

waste of time applying for a Native allotment, the land is useless, unless you have a boat or float plane, useless, like usual the government makes sure only useless land iis given to Natives no sense in wasting any more time, as the stotics say, you have to deal with life as it is, not as it should be, or you want it to be  

dying and death has always been on my mind, many times, could have died, like the time, I looked up and was going 80 miles per hour and 20 ft in front of me was the flat bed of a semi, It would have killed me and perhaps decapitated me, had I not looked up, I was able to swerve to  the shoulder lane, just one example of my potential demise.  I have too many to list, like the many times, drinking, never to wakeup, I often wonder if I want to die without experiencing my death, like bleeding out, or dying slowly from cancer or more accurately the drugs, trying to extend life or cure the cancer, those last moment, last breath, just another one of [...]

Life and death is an inevitable fact of this great thing we have been blessed with called life, somehow we must come to some kind of acceptance, that life is not fair, at least for some, and it is never easy, especially when it comes as a a surprise of or too soon,  We have had many pets, and my heart aches for all of them, I remember we had this pup, I named her Sally, we were living in Gilbert Arizona, she was a pretty lab pup, she died in my Arms, I felt powerless as she passed, much too soon, my eyes welled up, and short of wailing, I was heartbroken, we had anther Dog, Arnold, a german shepard, he too passed as a pup, [...]

So, I had set my post to private, but after a good sleep, decided it is better or left on, my reason, it makes me angry to be portrayed as some lecherous internet troll. Yes, I can not control what people think. I have not always chosen forgiveness over confrontation, yet it is the only path for my sanity and well being. The Evil will eventually die, Evil is as evil does. The trick, to defend myself without naming names, yes I know the sources of this slander, those who perpetuate, often under the cloak of an angels wings, it would do me no good will, to join in the same game. I am still a father, and it is far better to be that of a [...]

we got a plastic kayak at Dicks Sporting goods store, heavy but very safe, Mary first time kayaking, she had fun, our biggest problem was the dogs,  at first, both of them went on my board, all was fine and dandy, until sweet mary got the hang of her kayak, she got too far away, and created some great anxiety for our dog Sophie, who, despite not liking the water, jumped in and swam toward sweet Mary, well, Rhaegar may seem like a big and tough German Shepard, but he loves Sophia, and so he jumps in too, that pretty much summed up the rest of the day, dogs crying and jumping toward Mary, and Rhaegar crying for Sophie, a viscous cycle, we decide next, time not [...]

yes, growth either muscle, mental, or relationships takes work and can be  painful, but the lack of is stagnation, or worse atrophy The Key is moderation and thinking before acting, and perhaps a good journal to vent on :) Yesterday, I took the dogs to canyon lake, its about 1/2 hour drive from out house, I had no idea, how things would go, for one thing, I had not tried the paddle board, except in the pool, but it was good and buoyant.  I forgot to take their leashes, so I used some line (rope) to keep them "leashed" unfortunatly, Rhaegar almost choked sophie to death, back in the truck they went, I got the paddle board positioned in the water and retrieved my 2 canine freinds, [...]

Ok, so this stoicism has been on my mind, my latest class, was centered around, not just knowing this philosophy, but practicing it, faith without works is, blah blah blah, sorry forgot the words anyhoo reacting as apposed to digesting, that is the theme, it is so true, I have been doing this my whole life, reacting, reacting, my growth has been centered around this, but my whole upgrade since AA has been flawed, let me explain: AA teaches you that we are flawed and we do make mistakes and have these resentments, so we are to admit when we are wrong, which are often the results of reaction. someone gives you a dirty look, you grimace or return the favor, right. let me see,  I need [...]

That leads me into my first story, dreaming, what are we dreaming of? I see dead people, well they alive in dream, but their time has passed, this week, Don Vinberg, I fished for him on the Dee Donna J, best fishing ever, best Capt. and crew, my dad was on the corks, Norman Kasheveroff and Mike Cash were in on Deck, I was the skiff monkey, with a prodigal son Randy, something or another, his dad was some big shot skipper, as I recall, The s0ns of the skippers, were often the elite fisherman, never longing to get on a highlander, but born into a solid fishing career, perhaps as some of my family, my brother Tollak, was born into the Carlough regime.  These fisherman had [...]

Well I got the jOhnson and johnson vaccine on 3.31.21 about 2 weeks ago, time flies when your having fun, looks like they recalled it, or paused it, I did notice, my smell had become blunted, yet I still smelled the dog, I have an acute olfactory sensory system, so it was a little discerning, but it is back. Most of  the effected by the blood clot deal are younger women, so not a big worry, be the shits, if I died from a vaccine to protect me from a perhaps benign virus, at least to me, perhaps, not sure. But all is well in my health world, as long as I eat little and exercise, my symptoms seem to be abated, perhaps, one day I will [...]

Well, so far it is the same thing that happened when Obama was elected, the jobs I am bidding are mostly shysters,  I got one bid to paint a house, which ended up being a complete scam, they even sent a fraudulent down payment, another from a hillbilly who was trying to repair his patio, it was built wrong, and he wanted me to build it wrong again, "he could do it himself, but he wanted to have fun on the lakes" yea right, I told him, his design was flawed and I was not interested.  the list goes on and on. yesterday I get a call about some site work, they had no plan, he had some big ideas, told me I needed a d6, which [...]

The first friend that I can ever remember was Steve Benson, we lived in Hawthorne California, we lived in a small bungalow type house, they lived in the same homes, I think, not sure maybe ask me mom. He has passed a few years ago, heart attack, before I ever got to see him, he lived on the west side of phoenix, I went to his funeral, it was sad, his brother and parents were already dead. I could have reached out better, in the old days, I would reach out to people, happy go lucky I was, my trust of humans has been forever lost. I could have brought him to meet my dad again, his dad and mine were drinking buds, I think. Steve Benson, [...]

Easter, I remember growing up and looking forward to easter, my mom would make Easter bread, we would have a special dinner, and when we were young we would get Easter baskets, and when my parents were still married we went to church. Easter, what is it?   is it bunny day, or it it the celebration of the rise of jesus ascending to heaven after being crucified? Admittingly, I am a minimalist Christian, and have been accused of being somewhat of a pagan, by other church going "christians" I have no answer for why we are here, not one, of my own accord, but I believe with all my heart that there is a God, that we are not just some primordial ooze, that popped out of [...]

I have no idea what they are thinking. none zilch So there is the Dr hymen, he wrote a book the Pegan diet, it is actually decent, but it tries to copy shit hat is not good for you, you will never copy a real pancake forget it. learn to eat different. But that is not my rant. My rant is they had this black lady on about the racist food system, this is clear manufactured race h8t, perpetrated by others, Sure maybe they have some issues, but the whole problem has nothing to do with race, THIS IS GREED GREED GREED, any people who run around saying the "whites are racist" are delusional, stupid to the core. YOU are being mislead, everybody is being mislead. The [...]

I have undertaken two new learning adventures, the Guitar and photography, slowly but surely, learning 4 chords right now, my fingers are getting better at not dampening strings practice is the key, still working on the switching, it is funny how one min, I do great, the next time, cant seem to hold or switch, muscle memory, guitar was one of the things I had always said "I am no good at that"" well just like anything else I wanted to learn, I have not let peoples opinion of my lack of skills or natural talent to dissuade me from continuing, as in singing, I have always been told I cant sing, well I can learn to sing too, it just takes motivation and practice, I even [...]

Why ask why? I dont really know, but I have always wanted to learn more, not just something, or enough, I have always went overboard in my learning more, maybe it was a book my mom got me when I was younger,  it was how things work or something of that nature. But that was not the start of me questioning our culture or world, our existence, no that came with my cancer, I admit, I was just another drone, a meaningless cog in a world of cogs. There have always been hints, like the Marijuana issue, especially me being a drunken fool, consistently doing stupid shit, under the spell of booze. Nothing has gripped my life like the drink. smoke some pot, I turned into [...]

the rent on this server has skyrocketed over 300% so I must find a different host, well I have found a few, but will need to migrate it... if I have time, or lose everything,  a new beginning perhaps?

I do miss Seattle at times, the water is everywhere, the green trees, the lakes, the woods. They tore down my old high School, Lynwood high school, I tried to add it to schools that I had attended, and was only able to add Meadowdale, not even sure I know where that school is :/ Facebook hey, facebook, why you delete my school from existence? why? why? they having a 40 year reunion, I dont remember too many people from back then, a handful, Brian Amend, Kenny Snyder and his sister. Joe and John roach, RIP John, Pat Brock, and Joy S, her brother Dave. she and Pat were on again off again, had a small crush on that blond, but she was pats girl friday of [...]