my bullshit

Crazy old man, that is what I will be if I live to be a hundred, that is for sure, but at 58, and  spry and healthy, can it be the perception of me now? How far out can I be, for me, it is a question of, to be or not to be I am a baby boomer, We have generations of family alive right now, from the baby boomers  to the current generation of Gen Alpha, wow so many Generations, I thought my father was from the baby boomers, but before us there was the Silent Generation, maybe because they made the Natives, silent, not sure, it also incudes me mum, and well she not silent, but she does not know of lick of Native [...]

Kodiak, had become a kind of refuge over the years, the best of times, the worst of times, actually mostly the best of times, what adventures I have had on that magical island. from our first experiences of set netting in Uganik, with my parents to fishing solo with my pops, and another trip with my brother tollak on a submarine type craft, they called it a jitney, it was pretty much just a power skiff, with a shell, but this story Is more of the characters along the way. Ted Pestrikoff, lived in a small cabin our in Uganik, his home now owned by others, he rowed us home, when pops went to the cannery, that is a nice journey for an older gent, but he [...]

I have to admit, I trust nobody on this earth, I know that is dark and kinda sad, but true. I also know that I am perhaps a fool to share such a thing.  Maybe it is what I get, my penance for a life devoted to the pursuit of fun and happiness. My question to myself, what do I need to even trust anyone with? well that is the point, I really have nothing to need to trust anyone with.  My problem? self created for sure. my problem is that, I see people, I see them for what they are, for what we all are. We live in these shells, confined within these bodies, with so much external stimuli, it often overrides our sense of selves. [...]

What makes me tick?  I wonder at times, well I know it is me ticker, but more than that, what drives me forward. Self Awareness can be a long journey, I mean looking back at times in  my life, what was driving me?  from an early age, the only real driver was self preservation, that was done by muting my feelings, the feelings around me with former favorite concoction Booze. I am not sure I could have survived without it. looking back it was my friend. Everytime I took that first drink, the world looked rosey, I was suddenly optimistic about life, even though I had no Idea, how the night would end. That one moment, I was normal. I loved going on drinking binges, after choking [...]

Joy to the World.  I am not sure if the last post had made the impression that I am anti-church or religion, to the contrary, there is something great about singing the praises of and celebrating faith, so much power in music.  The positive energy created when a group can sing and dance and worship, that is Awesome, maybe a few words, the fewer the better, Children and Dogs learn by positive affirmations, when you put self doubt in peoples minds, you create confusion.  Some people are born the way they are, or molded that way, to try and break the mold in an hour service is, well far fetched. The power of having God on your side, that one simple thought, can bring relief and joy.  [...]

we had switched from the local repetitive rag to the more proven New York times, the problem, our  delivered paper is thrown under the car, on purpose. the same monkey that deliverd our other paper, thinks it is cute to throw the paper under the cars. but it is pesky, I try to say at least i'm staying limber :) and really how can you blame him, he does a child's job, and poorly,  just pesky, just thought of that since am going out to get it, have a great day happy easter bunny day. tomorrow or he has risen day, whatever floats your boat

Ok, I got vaccinated, had been worried since this whole virus thingy came out,  Since the Cancer I do not know what my body is up to. I  tend to keep  away from people and do not like being that close to strangers as a general rule. I have given a few hugs, not to strangers. everyone has their personal space, mine is bigger than most, i like to keep at least sucker punch distance, LOL It is true, mater of fact, have not been sucker punched much over the years, because of that rule,  a couple of times in crowded bars, but  being drunk, my personal space was not working no, I was never the chest bumping idiots you see, or argueing at close range, dumb [...]

going to eposy the pool, well last time I ran out of the good epoxy and had to buy some from leslies pool supply, which is runny and a different color white, so this time we bought some blue, for the water line and going to add some sand to the steps, and for the google earth deal, going to put a happy face, using the drains as eyes, and the diving board as the tongue, sweet mary's says painting the diving board pink not a good idea ;/

So, it has been a long way, embracing my Native Ancestry, and on the same swoop, turning away from the Native  culture of today, which is not Native, but more in line of a governmental puppet system. that is not to say, that I will not accept any measly payments that they decide to sprinkle on the ground, or jobs or benefits, that may be of benefit, no that would be lame, but I have not interest in your dealing, and except for checking if the mail has a check in it,  eye see no reason to read your propaganda, just like the koniag letter they all go into the trash unread.  My thinking is now, to pass down the shares, even though my family has integrated [...]

RIP Shane I dont know why, but I feel some responsibility it makes my heart hurt, even though I known in my brain, the power of alcohol, or its power over me, only by the grace of God and lots of luck, was I able to abstain and kick the monkey off my back. God bless and prayers for the Wise family, so heartbreaking.

I have found out that my Uncle Frank Pagano has passed away recently, I always had a good time visiting with Uncle frank over the years. He was a rare individual from old school Kodiak, He was always about family, that has always been a high priority with him and my Auntie May. I could spend hours talking and visiting with him, and always wanting more, that is rare for me, he was direct, honest and to the point, no mixing words. In these days of political correctness, it was a rare treat to visit with him and see his point of view. He was a leader. I respected his insight and views, and often agreed with him. he came under fire in recent years and had [...]

well got most of the worst part of the tile  and other stone work done in the bathroom, now starting  on the shower plumbing, I have decided to connect directly off the water heater and inlet to the water heater for the hold and cold in the new shower, and that went pretty smooth, except for buying the wrong size shark bite fittings, and had to do a major take back, but that is what is really good about home depot, it would be a nightmare dealing with the plumbing supply houses, the old days, and those shark bites, great invention, but still need to make sure they do not leak. for the new Jetted tub, I just used the old connections, which run from the sinks [...]

well had gig to do, ended up bailing, it was a classic bait and switch, nice  sweet customer turns into ATTILLA the hun, so I show up to modify an underground driveway, simple enough, well tough job, but no problem, I was ready to work, they were having problems with their small cars  and being able to get them into the basement.  I asked them to drive down so I could make sure I get the right adjustments, NO WAY, I almost burned up my clutch, hmm that is not my problem, learn how to drive with a  clutch, or get an automatic, I burned up my share of clutches, so alright I could figure it out with some boards, her front end clearance was only 3" [...]

haahhah but we all like to hear what is going on in each others lives, well well what have we here. I know, I have been on kinda a negative, monstrous tear lately, hopefully I will be getting a better perspective, but actually have been on a life epiphany of sorts. I still live by dont sweat the small things, I am breathing walking, talking and still have freedom of movement, free speech and my mental facilities, although I am sure that can and always will be subjective ;) My thought today, as I venture forth into our world. relationships and who's business is it?  disclaimer: this are my opinions, and they are subject to change, without warning or notice I do not think, parents, friends, children [...]

the bathroom is coming along, I do not like tile work, it is the mixing, the dry pack is ok, but that thinset man it sticks to your hands. I put some chairs in, next time, I will know better than just trying to do it on the fly, I would not do these bathrooms on my own. sub out the tile fo sure. nightmare, can not imagine working in someones house doing that work, I think it will turn out ok though. going to be a master piece. but I see all of my mistakes :/  not perfect, maybe next time, will spend more time on the wall tiles. awful work, dirty work, yuck a mess.

Ok, I have a rant, I have been watching the news, where Asian people are being assaulted, this makes me sick,  Racism of any kind is  wrong, but targeting innocents people is downright despicable. Have we not grown past the World War years? Japanese internment camps? I think we are headed towards darker times, I do not see this just going away. There are lots of things that do not seem right. is this shit that goes on all the time, and now the press is reporting on it?  Our News is so backwards, we may have free speech, but were fed propaganda 24/7  

I have been doing  these video clips singing, or trying to :/ THEY ARE FUN I have to admit it is hard to watch, but if I can not take the heat get out of the kitchen.  fun to do though, even learning some guitar, very slowly. have to keep my mental capacity up there, do not want to end up like pops, so sad. here is the full clip just sharing me myself and eye

I do a lot of whining and complaining about our society and our world, yes it is true, at 58 years, I have seen the light. I have become a student of history, WAr is our history, it is the history of man I feel very blessed, that I even have the ability to journal like this, in china, or Russia, I might be thrown into prison, or worse if I was in Syria, I would be tortured and killed. This I know is true. Most of us are so caught up in just survival, or paying bills mortgage, raising kids, that we never get a chance to "smell the roses" or in my case, analyze the truth. No matter what country you live in, you are [...]