dying and death has always been on my mind, many times, could have died, like the time, I looked up and was going 80 miles per hour and 20 ft in front of me was the flat bed of a semi, It would have killed me and perhaps decapitated me, had I not looked up, I was able to swerve to  the shoulder lane, just one example of my potential demise.  I have too many to list, like the many times, drinking, never to wakeup, I often wonder if I want to die without experiencing my death, like bleeding out, or dying slowly from cancer or more accurately the drugs, trying to extend life or cure the cancer, those last moment, last breath, just another one of life’s experiences. we dont get to choose, unless we decide to end it ourselves, which is not in my character, I am a fighter, never surrender, has always been my motto, whether playing baseball or scraping, although retreat has been an option, or non engagement. I had felt for a few years there, before the cancer, that the reaper was calling my name, that my time was limited, I made extra effort to pay attention while driving, to think things through more, now at the ripe age of 58, being somewhat cautious for me, at least mindful of the consequence has been, I do not fear death, as much as dying and being misunderstood. Maybe someone reading this journal will think take offense to my observations of my own life, or life around me, please know, this is only my small brain, trying to make sense of things, without standing in line with all the other sheep, maybe that offends you, that my faith is so weak, but if God is so great, I see no need for him to fret over my lack of zombie like adherence to practicing faith, yet I know, mere mortals will and do take offense, that is not my problem, but theirs.

I went on a good hike yesterday, about 4 hours up a small mountain, I like to think of these treks as when Moses, goes up to see the burning bush  finding guidance in life, a clue of what my path must be, you see there is nobody up on those mountings when it gets close to 100 in the afternoon, that has been like my cave of solitude. I saw a hawk flying high above, as I was climbing  the mountain, I asked him, come back here let me get a good look a you. he flew higher and higher, until he was a speck, then gone. I thought of my life, how to live out whatever rest is left, and the stoic teachings came to mind, I must work to be virtuous, whatever that means,  a Virtuous Richard? well I have been mostly virtuous, I mean the word, stings of pious of sorts, I will never be a sage, holyman, or even “normal” by most peoples accounts.  I will always live for the music, music will soak into every fiber of my being. what does virtuous mean to me? It means not reacting to my thoughts, until a thorough thought process, or at least being aware, that we are all reactors, and not everybody even realizes this one simple fact.

My self awarness journey has brought me in many directions, one of them was facial expressions, that we make some facial expressions, without conscious thought, everybody does, these re not learned, they are inherient, meaning, we are born with them, babies do the same ones, yet we do have some that are learned or cultural, what does this mean, to me, it means that we are hardwired, I KNOW THAT i AM, one of them is to procreate, one of the strongest, so when I see a pretty vibrant woman, my first reaction is not mine, but a hardwired one, now I can only speak for myself, some people are hardwired the opposite, and that is fine, that is what god intended, regardless or your brainwashing, why else would it be so? the flip side to all this hardwiring, is that we were also given a sophisticated thinking process, that lets us process our thinking, that is what sets us apart from most other animals, yet it is not always the status quo, thus you have my brainwashing theory.

Hundreds of years have gone by, and do you think that governments are not aware of the human condition?  that would be ignorant at best.


just look at the muslims, they promise 1000 virgins or something insane, and they buy it hook line and sinker, virgins, I would rather go for the voluptuous experienced vixen, in my pig man mentality, that is just one example of how government or entities, get the common folk to do their dirty work.

I like this whole theory of virtue, of the end result to be able to help people to the betterment of mankind, what a novel idea. for the good of all, of course I am just  a speck on the ass of a giant pig we call earth, I can only speak of what seems like a good path.

The simple thing to do is just live a life of virtue, that is in my power, all else, unless, I hit the lottery, or fate decides to shine on me in some other way, but first and foremost, I must prescribe to a virtuous life. I think i have, but not in the sense of really thinking virtuous, but just under the precept of being a better human, it kind of adds another dimension, my mom had the right idea, win the lottery and help her family, but the first for me is to take control of my thinking, above the reactionary thinking that has been my norm, to react, thinking, this is me, this is how I am, only to react and later regret my actions, now just saying this is not enough, I know that from experience, but to contrantly as in the 12 steps to analizy or reactions, and to prepare the next time to react or more appropriately, not to react, until I have given proper thinking to any issue.  this I have done also, but at a broader, not every min of everyday. this in itself constitutes a life’s work. a work in progress.

ME shall be virtuous. lead and be an example.

complaining has no value, so that must

I believe my destiny is tied to my Native roots, somehow, some way..

My journey through my roots, although I have mostly white roots, they were not part of my life, the Native roots, were. My dad’s dad was English, I had no Idea, my moms grandfather was Scandinavian, he too had no imprint on my history, other than genetics, which is important, only in, none of my family would exist, without either of them. So for that I am grateful, nothing else, both must have known about our families, yet we never heard a peep. I know that they knew, it would be preposterous to not know, ok no complaining rule has been broken:) and this is mostly devils advocate, I am grateful for the relatives of both those families that have acknowledged our existence, at least in a minute way, what else is there? they had not  been complicit.  I really love being a part of the same gene pool, I am fascinated by history, and we share not only history, but are of the same genes. To me that is enough to be family, and just as much relationship as my known family, so let it be done, let it be written, yeah, stole that from Ramseys, in Ten Commandments.

blah blah blah

love conquers all

O one last story, I watched this netflix show about the accountant of auschwitz or one camp, he was being tried for taking the possessions of the condemned jews, which he readily admitted. not the trial was good, but he was speaking out, because of the whole genocide being portrayed as a fabrication, he says “no it happed, I was there” the prosecution was a little late, and too many people much worse had already escaped, people fare more complicit, willing participants who jumped at the chance to perhaps escape the eastern front.


We are following our governments, we go to school, that they create and send us, just as the hitler youth had, everything is geared towards the ruling government, where is the guilt, if follwiing your government, which you did not create, just like your parents, your born into “conditions” beyond your control, you learn, what is taught, you are the product of your governments protocols, edicts, laws, you get where I am going, maybe even you had it pretty bad, you have to survive, you have to pay bills, they have a sign to join this or that, you really can not just take off an live in the woods, right?  your a guard at a camp, and the government is killing people, you are just a sheep doing a job, does that make it ok, of course not,  that is my point. where does the buck stop?

The buck should stop at the politicians, the judges, the policy makers, to me there can be nothing more important than teaching and sharing history and philosophy, not at an adult age, after the damage is done, but at a very young age, then you can call them complicit, making brain washed people complicit is criminal.