We choose what we see.

when I am about and about I try to see happy people, yet most of the time, the happy people are far and fleeting, is this the face of our lives?

our own perceptions can be misleading, yet I can not shake the feeling we are all doomed to life life of robots.

unhappy and always wanting more, please sir, can I have some more, one of my favorite quips for a poor london kid begging for some food.

I am trying to wonder why eye see sad people, is this because they are sad?  are we all under this supervision or restraint of the populous? the popular views?

I’m going to give to much information in these next clips, because I am losing my ability to give a rats ass. really, what is this all for if we are all miserable, how can we live a full happy life?

I want to care about everyone, yet I have this little pea brain that says, they could care less about you or anything you think, I am just a cloud here today, gone tomorrow, a new cloud in its place, perhaps a  blue sky.

it funny too, because here I am spitting all this ugliness of my views of everyone else, but have a complacent feeling, a peaceful easy feeling if you will, that everything is good about life, I just see lots of unhappy people, I dont need them to be happy for my sake or my happiness, but I want them to be.

I see lots of pain and suffering, conflict, long held resentments.

I see happy people on facebook, most of them doing family events, family connections, do these family just have happy lives, no resentments, no axes to grind, or have they been given a forgiving nature?

cant we all just get along? hahaha most likely not, I have not heard from gilbert in awhile, I just can not fix him, he is stuck in resentment and feeling sorry for himself. I love him, but it is not my burden to bear. I feel some guilt in not helping him, but I have a life to survive, thrive.  my mind is such a bastion of internal wars, with what I think, my thoughts and the thoughts that I accept.

the people around or in my life even, I have no idea, what they think, only that I am unaware of their happiness state.

I have dark thoughts, not that dark, so shut up 🙂 I mean I think things that are of fictional thinking, but the more I learn, the more I see how deceptive our society is.

The sad faces in public, the rare sightings of happy people, flickers of niceties, can that be what I live for a strangers wave, a smile here and there?

am I lonely or lost, am I alive or waiting to die?

I often wonder about these ancient civilizations that proceeded us, were they happier, were their family connections better?

you know, I say this, and think, what else would I want, that I already dont have?

I have a good connection with my sweet Mary, she tolerates me. I know I can be intolerable with all my thinking, my weird diet, my obsession with controlling my own thinking, my want to understand this life and all of its people, the world, why we are here. The birds the bees, the flowers and the trees, and what gives me the most peace of mind is the birds, they just live, dumb fuckign birds, ahahhaha I say that, but really, they may be the smart ones, maybe we are just too smart to be happy?

but I have an answer, My answer is Nature, just do like a bird. be a bird.

just live your life, be a good person, be good, do good for yourself and you can do good for the people you love. this is my love, love working building stuff, love writing this nonsense, love playing computer games. I wish I had better connections with all my family, but that is just like wishing for a nicer computer, or a nicer truck, or one that I am not afraid  will break down, my little bmw just turning off. I live in a kinda fear of breaking down, and wasting gas. yet I plow ahead aimlessly.

sounds bad, but one thing i do everyday, I stop my stinking thinking brain and look around at all the beauty in life, even the sad people, the trees, the bees, the cars and bars. my breath, I love to breath in life. I just wish everyone could see how beautiful life is, to share the big secret of life.

I love to suffer, not as in burning to death or pain, but pushing my body and mind to learn and burn, then to enjoy doing nothing, absolutely nothing.

my happiness is dependant on one thing, my perception of any and everything, and my ability to push myself to suffer.

We have to accept we are constantly changing, you can not change that, maybe more bitter, more better, or just happier, but you will never be the same as yesterday.

I was watching the bird fly, I imagined having wings to fly thought the air, seagull you fly across the horizon, into the misty morning sun. to live like a bird, just live no worries

lets try a spy thriller