We are our pasts, for me, I embrace, the good the bad the ugly.  I will not shame away, but stand proudly against all invaders, good or bad.

that sums up me past thoughts, thinking, stinking, thinking

I am not the person I was before I quit drinking, nor  am a person that never drank.

Nor, will I cast blame, it was me, for good or bad. it was me.  am I still the same person? yes, it was me.

does my past define me, Yes it does, and I embrace it.

Have i changed, YES o yeS, IT IS TRUE. i HAVE GROWN UP AND OUT OF MY PAST SKINS, but they are me, were me. still reside within me. without my mistakes, I may be oblivious to the Repercussions that come with some behaviors and actions. AND believe me, I do not want to go there AGAIN

What does all that mean? It means that i stand on my life’s work, what got me to this point, that is only me of course, do I wish I could change things, well sure, why not, but like spilled milk, what can you do, besides getting down on the floor an licking up the milk, but that is not me, at all. fuk that milk, it spilled it is done, dont spill it again. I feel the need for one of my disclaimers:  I have worked my whole life. I have never earned money as a criminal, even as a child thief, we had a code, We only steal from the stores, this was instituted after, the whole tally bike ring :/  and of course the one time that I got drunk and stole a radio out of someone car, not a nice stereo or car, just a stock car, stupid drunk, but except for the builders emporium caper, which we did not get any money, mostly gave the tools away, we were just punks, That reminds me of the time, me Danny Humphrey and Mark Savoy went to builders emporium, they had some gum ball machines outside, we got the idea to put washers in as money, the problem we did not have washers, but they did inside, we were busted, the mangers probably having a good laugh, my dad picked me up, I was  balling my head off, and that was the end of it, both Danny and mark got grounded, Danny had to wear the washers around his neck.

so not much of a criminal, there is the bully thing, which I do regret very much, I have known fear growing up, I had an older brother 4 years older, but he was a nice bully, the worst thing he did was walk me and my bike up a hill at the end of whites canyon and send me down, I crashed into come concrete and got all bloodied up, or the time he touched my brain  with grass, hahahha that is still funny, he did break my tooth, but that was just horeplay in Kodiak, on  a bed, forget, i fell off the bed, I have to ask mom.

I had a knack for seeing fear in kids, I was a bully, and that is horrible, most of them were just nice kids, I used to pick on the big ones mostly, or different, like kids that I thought looked dorky, buck teeth, or wearing swastikas, that I remember, they probably running corporations now, I did not just pick on smaller kids, I loved to pick on big kids, twice my size, I used to chase them for blocks. if they were smart, they could have turned around and body slammed my skinny punk ass, but I knew fear, sensed it and in some kids, it was so obvious. that reminds me, I thought it was just a hunch, being able to see what people are thinking, but I have recently found out it is science, and has been for years, although I have to turn it off, even as I am nurturing the skill, for strangers only :/  not good to use in personal life relationships, I have very few people as it is in my life.  these micro expressions or Macro expressions are not something we do in purpose, but sub conscious. you can mask them, but who wants to look like an idiot all the time? not me, I do enough

so I am very ashamed of the bullying of kids, but as an adult, I  was not going around bullying people, I just fought pretty much anybody that wanted to fight, not attacking poor souls for the fun of it. I was an angry young man, and was able to hold my own pretty good. but I did get hurt lots of times. I had my chin chipped with a beer bottle a pool stick embeded in my head, big gaping head wounds open by chairs, I did my share of damage, and except for 2 times, that could have sent me away to the big house, I never used weapons on anybody. the 2 times, Once in Kodiak, a sailor, whom we had mutual lilies a couple of local girls walking them home, we were all drunk, anyway, I knew he had a chip on his shoulder, but was hoping I could just make it back to the boat, I was too drunk tired, not really drunk, but more tired, walking walking, and this clown wants to fight me, I seen it coming, and as soon as he did, I whipped out my skippers knife and said “Ill cut you” he ran away, I pretended to chase, but really just wanted to get to my bunk, the other time. was in California, we were having a goodtime at a party up at a sky blue mesa home.  they decided we were too rowdy, or they did not know us, and kicked us out, forcibly with one guy wielding a big stick, I had found a flywheel on the ground and threw it at him, if it had hit him, it would have been game over, but it  went sailing away, anyway, my brother distracted him, and I got the best of him, with an Army man backing me off of him. They let us back in the party and had a nice end to the night.  that was my weapon use in fights, I have always had enough confidence in my scrapping abilities.

when you drink for as many years as I did you have lots of run ins.  you are enmeshed with crime and grime.  that is  what makes me unique in a way, although never a criminal, I can spot one pretty easy. I was a thug I guess, not a criminal. there was the time, that I had a bet with  a person in Fairview, where i worked as a liquor store clerk, timesaver liquor, went past there it is now, just a house, anyway, he owed me.. forgot how much maybe 25 bones, I went to collect, instead he send out a thug to get rid of me, I think  he was a drug dealer, the thug 6’3 and beefy, me 5’10 and somewhat scrawny, I gave him a beating, knocking him out. the guy gave me a home stereo, because he had no money. that is thuggish, but I was working in a tough neighborhood, man those days….   so many colorful characters. i was a part of the neighborhood, I got offered a job from a painting contractor, his son in law was a top Pro fighter, dont remember his name, but he was black with piecing blue eyes. I got drunk that night and showed up half drunk with hickeys all over my neck, what is it with women who give hickeys? like to leave their mark on you? not sure, but needless to say, I did not get the job, I was in no shape to work a real job in those days. i did meet some interesting people, they are all in the past, and part of my past, like the boxer from New York, what was his name, he seemed like a Gerry Cooney type fighter, big dumb and powerful, super nice guy, did not seem like he had a mean bone in his body. there was “Bad Bob” your typical looking pimp drug dealer, he ended up getting shot and then in a wheel chair, and I heard later killed.  There was Curly a fedora wearing tall blackman, who used to wait for the next shift, so he could pinch some hennessy, there was actually quite a few that, were waiting for my shift to end, although I  did take a few test of the products, while working, I never let anyone else steal from my shift, I did get into trouble for embedding Martial arts “stars” in the wall. overall it was a great experience. working in the hood.

My drug use over the years has been really nil, well except for drinking, drinking is cheap, and although I worked, I never had enough money to pay bills and drink and do drugs, and never was interested, Matter of fact, the only time, of all the time I did any drugs was once in in Seldovia, but it was not enough to make me sober, just a taste, I had been fishing in Kodiak and flew over to Seldovia for the 4th of July, I had gotten an Idea, where i have no idea, to fly over to Seldovia. it was  drunken weekend for sure, but back in those days, anytime we hit town, I was on the sauce, until we left town. then it was time to sober up. I had never fished on a drinking boat, which his lucky for me, as those one usually ended up on the rocks. My Seldovia trip ended up with me being thrown into the homer jail. I had a round trip ticket, but my brother put me on the wrong airline, always looking out for my well being, anyway, I had to repay them and went on to have a good season.  thanks to Don Vinberg. great skipper.

No I never really got into drugs, I did buy and ouce after the good season, but that was in Washington State, where most of my drug experiments happened, it is poison, sure so is booze, but that stuff kills your soul.  I only liked it because, it made me invisible to blackouts, but it had its own repercussions, destroying your brain, one snort at at time, but as I said, this one period and that once, and a few eight balls was my biggest drug use, all in Washington State, my darkest days were in Washington, not the drug use, that was just happenstance of having more money then I knew what to do with. I have no idea how people can even become addicted to that shit. it made me too sick, like nothing else could. it changes your brain, your thinking. it is poison, no I have never been a drug addict, I had done my share, but except for the time after my big bonanza, I was at the mercy of others, to share, which is very little a sniff here a snort there, but not enough to even effect a person. i had experimented with a few drugs, LSD, mushrooms, crank, but none of them made me feel normal, or care free like drinking some beer, loved to drink beer, and for hangovers, loved blackberry brandy.

Even though I had purchased an ounce of cocaine, I never sold one spek, never sold drugs in my life, well maybe a joint when I was a teenager, drugs destroy lives, and you will never get your brain back, so yes I can embrace the fact, that I was a drunk, I troubled drunk, but not a malicious drunk,

I remember, my biggest thing that I always tried to make sure, was not to drive when drunk, but it was few and far between, the other thing, was not to black out, I tried everything, possible, like eating a bunch of oily foods, only drinking beer.  you name it I tried it. the 3 things, I always tried to avoid, well four, fighting, blacking out, driving drunk and having indiscriminate sexual encounters. nightmare, I usually could avoid 1 or 2 but almost never all 4. it was a curse I tell you.

I remember waking up many, many times, looking around and trying to remember where am I? how did I get here, did i get into trouble, and if I was lucky, it would slowly creep back to me, little glimpses.. sometimes, nothing, just total blackout, most of the time, mostly just passed out drunk, I am really surprised after all these years, that i did not die in a snow bank. I remember in Anchorage, waking up freezing in the snow, or in the summer in the bushes, and stinking like shit, or worse. I used to work for brown jug on Tudor road in Anchorage and lived in Government hill, well the busses dont run at night, and I did not have a car in those days, well I had them and didnt, it was a crap shoot, how long I could  keep them running, as I did not work on them when they died. I walked all over Anchorage, but when you start work at 3 there is plenty of time to drink and sleep in, and then go back to work. sometimes I would go downtown and wrestle with the Native girls, but mostly like to hit the nickel beers at swiftwater bills, Gussie lamours, the fly by Night in spenard, the Pines Club, after warming up at PJ’s Stip club on spenard road. there was lots of fights, lots of girls, lots of fun to be had.

O there was one time, I was hanging out with this guy out at Jewel Lake, and he tells me the car is stolen, I did not hang around long after finding out  that little snippet, but that was the crowds we ran with,  We used to go to all the parties, me and gilbert and kelly,  Anchorage was a wild place, but so were we, I used to love to go to Goose lake and work on my tan, I once got involved into a tackle football game, got my ribs, jacked up, made some touchdowns, but those ribs lasted for months. we were not fooling around, tackle without pads, is the real deal, especially with strangers. no niceties involved.

i have always said that Anchorage is not the real Alaska, just a shithole city, especially after living in bush Kodiak, or on Woody Island, my perspective was from a drunk of course and being borderline poor, even when I was making good money, I was using the money to raise kids,no time to go hunting, fishing, well there was a few times. Once my dad had given me this little gil net, I went down to the Kenai, or somewhere near there, I probably shouldn’t be telling this story, but anyway, I was in a local Kenai bar, I had a min 14 back in those days, as I was leaving the bar, I pulled the mini out of the van that I was camping in and blasted  a burst of shots into the night air. well,. I went and parked the van on the beach in anticipation of catching some salmon the next day.  I awoke in the middle of the night to some cop cars banging on the door of the van, I was asleep up in the top portion of the camper van. I never moved or said a peep, and they eventual left, after and hour. lucked out on that one, the next day, with the hair of the dog beers, I set out to catch me some salmon.  I drove around looking for a spot between the other spots, they all seemed to be taken, so I just went where nobody was, they had buoys, trying to lock in a spot without actually having one, it was supposed to be first come first serve, anyway I dragged the net out 30 or so feet and proceeded to crank Creedence Clearwater revival and before long, the fish were biting my net, it was good clean fun. that is my kind of fishing.

uhhh what was this thread, not fishing…

my crimes against humanity, let see there is the whoremongering, my other big sin. 🙂

yeah, well that one does not really wash with me, I mean, I do share some responsibility, but after all, I was blessed, I know it sounds kinda Egotistical, but I have always been told, well at least in the early years, before I became a cyclops, that I was quite pleasing to the eye, not that I felt that way, I went through my ugly stages, mostly in washington and a few times in Alaska, my best attribute was my golden brown skin, after the sun had done its magic, along with I had been told, not in a long time, My eyes, the tan with a combination brown eyes, blondish hair, I was able to maneuver my way into many hearts. I was almost confused when they thought were were seeing each other exclusively, CANT you see the way  I drink? do you think I can control my impulse to sleep with any and all women that would let me?  I do feel bad, there were  a few girls, like Claire Cooper, she was a keeper, but I knew i was no good for her, she even caught me kissing another girl at a quiet riot concert in Anchorage. she was diabetic and I used to give her shots. first I learned about diabetes, and the bicuspid, she was also a dental assistant.  She was just a good person, I broke up with her, I knew in my heart that I was not good for her, and felt guilty about the whole thing, afterall, I was still drinking like a fish, she used to let me drive her nice mustang around, I remember she had a sister named Carol, who also knew I was no good for her sister.  I have always been attracted to the good girl.  let see there were a few othe flings to go along with my many one night stands.  there was Ladonna Hartford, I was head over heels, she was a looker, and Native, but we were too much alike, we drank like fish, she had moved in with me at governemt hill, and I came home after getting paid, hid my money from myself, and woke up the next morning, accusing her fo stealing it. end of that gig, I think I was scared, she had also moved her child in without telling me, I was an awful human. selfish, inconderate, oblivious, but I dont think malicious, but after reading this some people may think so, I think of the me back then, as survival and surviving. I was definitely a product of my environments, and a penchant for drinking, awareness came with sobriety and the 12 steps, without them, I am afraid, I would have been just another “mad dry drunk”  perhaps falling prey to any number of things, which I have anyway, one of them was eating, sugar and food was a way to feel good, yet not get into trouble, except for the heatlth aspect.  My greatest strenth has always been being able to push myself both mentally and physically. that is probally enought bad times, good times for now, there are many stories, yet to tell, almost 30 years of them, probally just as many as any other drunk, lucky enough to live and tell about them. my shoulder is killing me, I figured it out, it is either bursitis or tendonitis, I know i already sed, but for sure, just have to start rehabbing myself back, so I can get back to work, after I put that new bathtub and bathroom together.  yahoo, next time, I can just soak in the tub.  for now we only have one shower. lets see if I can power through another topic. ROUT