I grew up pretty much ingesting any drug or drink, that I could get my hands on, including PCP, crank, cocaine, and LSD, thankfully for me, I was too poor to be able to buy them on any regular basis, and except for beer, never got hooked, but  when I quit drinking, I learned that pills can help ease the  stresses and rigors of life, I actually used a pill when I successfully was able to quit the sauce, once and for all, this was prescribed by a doctor. It worked very good, although, I never actually drank, once I started taking it, it was not anti-abuse, as that may not have worked, and would  been more of a challenge, but this was my successful, to this day AA adventure, I had tried before, but never did the 90 meeting in 90 days, and it was always interrupted on a spur of the moment dash into a liquor store, blackberry schnapps or peppermint, was the usual culprit, beer is not conducive to cold weather, unless your inside, but the schnapps family, well, not too strong, it was like cough syrup, but with a kick, like a mule:)
This was my first foray into the pill Isle, well except for a few quaaludes in the 70’s they were popular, but dont really remember them working very well, most likely cuz, I was drinking too.

I remember my dad telling me that clam juice would cure some mental malady, I knew he was pulling my leg, because he knew the crazy racing thoughts of an alcoholic, who is on a dry drunk, which if I was not drinking, that was me, insane in the brain.

Now things were going smoothly for after being able to quit the sauce, but life has a way of sucking you back into its grasp, the grasp that chokes your serenity, that has you gasping for air, for looking for alternative, for me this was mainly food, moving back home, kids and wife, was the greatest gift for me, but relationships take a lot of work, sometimes, it is just easier to eat, to fill my emotions, or blunt them with some  ben and jerry’s Cherry Garcia, man I loved that stuff, the cherries, crisp, the ice cream, smooth and sweet, melting in my mouth, my heaviest was 235, going to meetings was always an option, but I found, there were lots of other potential perils there as well, like the potential drinking buddies, or  very needy women at the meetings, this was easy to avoid, when I was focused on never drinking again, but not so sure of myself when confronted day in and out, after having a good understanding of my drinking, not an option, at least in my tiny brain.

I can only speak for myself, the main reason for drinking or taking any drug or overeating to to not think, or feel emotions, loneliness, anger, jealousy, or whatever demons are in your attic, I knew I could pretty get any drug I wanted from most all doctors, I mean that is their function, they order test, or prescriptions, they never try to have to focus on eating well, never ever, that is not in the job description, at least not in traditional docs.

So started my foray into the legal drug system, at first I learned of prozac, it did help, but I never felt right, I increased the dose, decreased the dose, ate handfuls, tried its many cousins, none of them felt like it was really me, but yes they helped blunt my relationships, to the point, that when agitated previously,  I was able to shrug it off, one time at work in Anchorage, one of the other carpenter remarked that I was on prozac, how he new, I have not Idea, but like most of my life, not a big secret, but really it was  a great help through lots of stressful times, it  was never something I liked, it made me a little jittery, I had to run, swim, something to quell the constant nerves.  I went off and on the serotonin inhibitors  for years, always a helpful buffer against the stresses of life, many of which were my own creation, I did find an even more powerful and much more blunting drug, it was clonazepam, or something of that name, I got my hands on this, and it was a total blunter, I could sleep for hours, I could endure anything,  my brain, and ability to reason, think was also  destroyed, but I had found a miracle drug. I did figure out that just like when you get blue balls, you know, no sex for so long, that, well you become blue balled, its like this, you get so horned out, your mind gets clouded, maybe even judgment, then you have release, and all of a sudden there is clarity, well I had the same thing, but with my emotions,  I would live life on life’s terms, nothing in particular bad, but maybe little things, star to pile, perhaps behind your back or right in front of you, personal demons, or whatever, anyway, I knew when they got to a certain point, I would explode, or react, or more precisely overreact to something that had little to do with anything, just to note, I have been a student of myself, for my whole life, always trying to figure out, why am I  the way I am, some of it is innate, and some learned or environmental. One thing I learned was the Chonozapm, taken not daily as nobdy, can live that dumb, but when it was apparent, that I was getting overwhelmed, I would knock myself out for 24 hours, and be brand new again, but this is risky, because you cant hide the dumbness, and nobody, should be sleeping 24 hours, it was not addictive, but very powerful. It has been many years, and I do not miss being that dumb, I have occasional brain fog now, age, hypo, but nothing compares to that pill.

Then there was the barbiturates, the hard pills, now this is a true story, I never got hooked on them, but more or less, was conveniently given them, when I was undergoing cancer treatments, so there was the radiology team, and the chemo team, they would both blame the other for my symptoms, this was almost hilarious, if it were not true, but it was, Not I am not talking physicians but their team member, If I complained about symptoms, the almost on cue would point the finger at the other team. When I was going through the Chemo treatments, I was given bottles of this red juice  which was a morphine derivative, I loved that stuff, made me feel good, I drank it like cool-aid, which it tasted like too. it was very helpful not for pain, but I was experiencing extreme nausea, well, they were after all poisoning me, but ended up cutting my treatment short, as I got too sick, my next treatment, was the radiation, which they had to build a cast so it woudl only radiate the cancerous area, but ended up damaging my thyroid, anyway, the build up to the whole radiation, the nurse would tell me, its ok then it starts to get extreme, you will need pain meds, well me being a bona fide alky, had no problem jumping on that bus, I got as many as I wanted, and the radiation, was never really painful, swallowing was difficult, still is, but never even needed any pills, but the build up to the radiation, and my expectation, well I just obliged the nurse, not did it come to haunt me, until, I was taking so much, that I could not pee, thankfully, a Chemo Doctor, was smart enough to realize that I was gobbling way too many pills, Dr. Shoemaker… something like that, I need to look it up, mixing it up with one of my junior high teachers, becky shoemaker… brb

ok, it was dr. alison Rosenthal, she saw right through me. and pretty much saved me from myself, I had not Idea, it was the reason, I could not pee, hated the catheter thingy, worse was when they had to remove it, caused lots of anxiety, for no reason, seems to be scary, but comes out relatively easy, and in. hate the hospital, necessary evils it is, at least until they start to focu on prevention

eventually, I will upload my doctor files on here, if ever the time and motivation overwhelms me.

So, I have been talking about pills and drugs and all, but I was never really hooked, they were more of a convenience, not a good one, but it was not like I had to go out and hustle up some from multipel doctors or anything shady, I guess, some people turn to street drugs eventually, like the real heroin, which to my credit have never used,  tried to one time, buy my buddy floyd, did not give me a real dose, it was the low part of my life, RIP, like may addicts, he had a big heart,  I wish I could say high to him again, I stayed with his family for a little while, they had full jugs of milk in the fride and a pool, that was when I was 18, returning from my Texas adventure, that trip ended when I got a dUI and they impounded my truck. I worked at a bird farm, I remember syphoning gas to get to work, I was a wild beast child.

I have to say, at this point in my life, I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin, like a jacket that fits perfectly, I had  seen Oprah on tv the Other day, she was saying the same thing, and she is mega rich, been for years, so this is not some quaint rich thing, but  a human thing, maybe your suffering life as I have, still do at times, but try to remember, this too, will pass, maybe when your 60, like the OPY, perhaps I am just on a repite, but I feel I can survive, must survive. I feel good, really it is true, acceptance, gratitude, and realizing, many things, most things are out of my control, I am just here. tinnitus is acting up again… ok I need to do some work, or the beat of life will come back to my door, the wolves always at the door, I wonder what wolves are at Oprah’s door?