Well well, grasshopper, the last day of 2022, what a year it has been, let see, I went to the Arctic Circle and worked in a Zinc mine, I built a garage, my cousin Ray passed away…. not much else, O O I got a job working on a reservation :)  my current journey, which is really cool.  I am working side by side with real Indians, not just half breed fakes like myself. These are people who have walked the walk, and talk the talk. I am honored to be able to work side by side with these Indians. I have to admit, I am a little jealous of their status in our world. Sure we all call ourselves Native Americans, but us mixed breed Alaskan  Natives, know we are just fakers, even me with my 7/16 blood quantum, I was raised as white ass snow. )My az white as snow also) sorry for the poor grammar, but tit has become expected of me :/

I am right in the middle of all this culture and fascinated with the whole experience. I know I am an outsider, as far removed as one could imagine, yet I feel a small part of this whole community, albeit very small. I am a member of the blood quantum. The United States of America’s way of Identifying the Indigenous population, for good or bad, I have a blood quantum card, see attached document.

I could not be any different if I was from Mars. I am unlike anyone on this Rez. I am unique, and aberration, a white man parading around as a native, perhaps Naive, as the pure looking anglo, who claims to be a cherokee indian. we are liars. I am a fake, yet.. perhaps I can not help myself.  We were all assimilated to be a part of this society, not the Reservation, is it spelled rezervation?

hahahah I crack myself up. The truth is that I am just another carpetbagger, for those of you of little knowledge, a carpetbagger was a term coined in the south after the civil war, when Northern business men went to the south and took the jobs of the southern peeps. I have to be aware of my status at all times.

anyhoo, I have been working at this job for over a month now, time flies when having fun, I am starting to learn how to survive, amongst the other carpetbaggers and tribal members.

The hardest part of this job? I dont know… I know, but I dont want to say, the hardest part, is ME, I am the hardest part of this job. My lack of empathy, my lack of seeing beyond my own crippled thinking. The One thing, the only thing, that make me, makes who I think I am, is my thinking. wow, that was a farted sentence, hahahahha

Let me explain. (lucy, you got some splaining to do)

I have no Idea what it feels like to grow up in a community surrounded by great wealth, where  your people are vilified to some degree by the local population. My first encounter was back in 1989 when me and sweet Mary moved to Phoenix, that is when my fascination, well not true, it started with all the western books, that I read while living in Ugaink, along with the beetle bailey and archie comics, that is my culture, my own personal culture. I have always like the half-breed characters from louis L’amour books, this is also where I got my interest in Mafioso and true crime books, I have ingrained that thinking into my life, the mafia life, how your best friend is usually  the one who put a bullet in your head. I lived in Uganik with my dad before and after I lost me own eyeball. The best time of my life, never been so peaceful since. maybe when I cease to exist and travel to heaven, or the heavens, what else can be out there, (ok change subject matter) wear was eye…

These people, only in the last 10 15 years have seen some community, back in 89, there were only trailer homes, no community, just poverty. Back in those years, before the internet, there was no news. this was not just in Arizona, this was Nationwide. the medical promised to all Natives was non-existent. I remember waiting for hours for anti-biotics, and being refused until I had a fever, chills and full blown strep throat. My sweet Mary worked in child services and the sexual abuse in Native communities was appalling, systemic, and just another day at the office.

The culture has went from being people of the land, to being people of welfare. what is it to be Native in the 21st century? I will tell you.

Natives are an afterthought, a wart, a blight on Corporate America. welfare beggars, this is the prevailing sentiment from the havs. I speak the truth, not with fork tongue.  America creates jobs, alright, but for themselves, their own people. This is my own pet peeve, the Richest Nation on this planet, is still starving out the native people from their lands, still, raping and killing the women, as well as the resources. The could just as easily, create Native community  jobs, enterprise for the good off all Americans, not just Casinos, but viable jobs and projects, they have taken the buffalo and replaced it with food stamps, and expect the life of alcohol and abuse disappear, while they turn a blind eye. Drugs and Violence are the norm, not the exception, and if not drugs and sex, unhealthy eating. The worst possible foods are now “culture”.  Just as guns, gangs and violence are normal. We are all just sheep, not just the Natives, but most of us have a choice, we move freely around the united states of Amerika. Natives are often trapped a vicious cycle of abuse, sexual, verbal, and physical, IT IS THE NORM.

I see this culture firsthand now. up front, where 35, 40 years olds at all levels, from grunt workers to leaders, talk and act as if they are in junior high school. They are unaware of the fact, this is their culture, just as fry bread is now a staple, sex talk as if it was the weather, women seem to be their only hope. Men? I dont know, not in the my corrupt sense of the word. A man stands for his family, stands above abuse, verbal or otherwise, these are not men. Me, I am an idiot, just passing through, who am I to judge their culture, they seem to embrace this culture. It is not my place, or should it be to stand up and say, I find your talk to be unacceptable, not only at a junior high level, but every level of my being, this is why they have such a high incidence of child abuse, neglect, and drug and alcohol abuse, this is the norm for many families. I saw a bunch of book in the dumpster, they were about wellness, and red pride. it is not my place, never will be. it is their place, just as it was with my family, to break the cycle, the buck stopped at my line, hopefully never to rear its ugly head. These are their people. When is is pervasive in the workplace as normal, can you imagine behind closed doors, this is an epidemic.

when we first moved here, I met with my cousin chris, he was working as a cop in the GIla river, he had shot and killed some kid in a car chase. I do not know the specifics, and most likely never will, they hide the true crimes and deaths from the  havs, so they can only see the prosperous Casinos, and think how good the Indians have it. I remember him saying they were not Natives, but just a bunch of inbred Mexicans. ok, something like that, not very complimentary.

I am seeing the poverty, yet the community as well. I am jealous, I have no community, only corporations, so I am glad to have a job at this Rez. I am glad they let me be a tiny part, a spec.

I know, it will be just as long as I can not be myself, as long as it does not change who I have become, to not regress the the Angry man of my past. This is my growth, they are my new tool.

why would eye do this? I have no fuking idea, dumbo, me dumbo.  stubborn? delusional?  I really like having a job, but no matter where I go, I will never fit in, nor would I want to.

I know my path is not in a job, never has been, never will be, although if there is a chance to be useful, with purpose, I will gladly be a part of it.  I am trying to make it six months, but no more. I have to get over myself, but also not let my own self be corrupted, or to react negatively, this is the culture they embrace, who am eye to judge, I have not walked in their shoes. I can quit tomorrow and it will all just be another adventure of Richard on the side. A good one, but just another adventure. maybe if I up my game, I can make more connections, you see it is not all the people with this culture, but even just one it too many. The leader have the potential to create a new culture, education, respect for children, women, and all men. to grow up with fighting spirit, that you are not a welfare people, you deserve to prosper in your own lands and communities, you should not have to go out to these shithole cites and work and compete for shit jobs. The Richest Nation on earth owes you that much, they have the power, look at Ukraine, billions, billions, while they turn a blind eye.

forgive them father, the know not what they do, make sure the truth is out. be a better culture.  you deserve better