Yes, that is the theme song that I have adopted, after a pretty full well lived life, I have used my body to the fullest and pushed my brain to at least 50% which is about right in me own estimations.
This song goes over and over in my head, except when I am faced with a challenge, not a computer challenge but a real life challenge, something challenging, not people, they are exhausting, but building new things, and such, or hiking new places, swimming, getting out on adventures, not sitting around doing nothing but wasting away in Margaritaville, about the dame washout the booze. O the carefree days of boozing, not a care in the WORLD, well maybe a few, I remember my biggest fear was driving drunk and getting arrested, which happened many times, I still get a flashback, when I see cop lights, or even a black and white police car. O the dread, my mind goes O fuck, but nothing to do but play it through, that is how I feel about life at times, and I have nobody to blame but meself. hmm, meself should be a word, dont you think so? myself, that sounds to EGO driven MY MY MY, or ME ME ME, ok perhaps equal, what else do we really have? Our thoughts, decisions, nothing else really, I try to keep my body, at least in reasonable condition, but after 40 some years of hard labor and hard knocks, it is quite beaten up. One eye, half a throat ,miles of scars, and many aches and pains, but not enough to surrender to claiming to be a decrepit old man, on the contrary, I feel like I am in the prime of my life, like I could hike any mountain at anytime, I could swim 5 miles no problem, I can work in 110 degree heat over 12 hours straight, no shit, I still feel mortal, kinda, I fear getting hurt or losing my wits, not that I’m the sharpest tool, but I do like to think, to daydream, I like my free will, even though, I feel trapped, not like a lesbian trapped in a Mans body, but trapped like there is more to life then waiting around to die, to get too old for adventure. Too old to build Cabins for OLd age, no money in sight, all the jobs are shit, Biden times are not worth the paper they are written on, I just see the jobs coming in for the already Rich, make them richer, and workers like me, lucky to get enough to pay bills and survive, waiting waiting to…… die
My ship can be seen in the far horizon, as far as the sea can allow, yet it is nothing but a thought, for I am unwilling to do what it takes to make it happen, to fight, the noble fight, which would mean lots of confrontation, THE dream is only for takers, as my last project has reiterated to me, the Takers Win, why> because they have no Moral code, nice guys finish last, it is my nice side, wanting to believe in good, that has broken the compass
Perhaps my best bet would be to seek employment, as a carpenter, a slave, but never again in Arizona, never say never, BUT i WILL, FUCK ARIZONA, SHITHOLE AND GETTING WORSE
Maybe see if I can get back in the Union in Anchorage for Seasonal Work, or Apply for some Native jobs, DAVIS BACON Project, I can still outwork most humans, and I am a wiser carpenter, that may be the Path I seek, MY contracting has hit a brick wall, I do not see a path to match my aspirations, nor do I seek to play the amigo game, NO the money will all go to administrators, project managers, and paper pushers, who already sit in their mansion with their fat wallets and inside tracks.
Remember this is a diary, so I speak off the cuff, and can change thoughts, and do, quite frequently.
did I mention, I have some plans to finish, procrastination is my biggest driver, to write my diary, my journal, my life. I just feel so alone, not a bad thing, I am content with my thinking, my thoughts, they are me, I know that. Sometimes I dream of having a truly honest deep connection, like with God. really, I know I already have that, yet it is not of the same page, my dreams, wants are starkly different, yet the same.
I think this can be why so many people glom on to groups, to feel a sense of belonging, do I belong, I do, to the human race, and when I grab on to anything else, it if fleeting.
Even more important is to be a part of the Universe, to contemplate the whole universe, all that and more. to see us as a speck, just like we see the microcosms in our gut or on our skin as nothing, yet as the ant or fly is spec of existence to us, we are a speck in time, a speck in relation to the size of the universe, a speck of knowledge in what lies beyond the forbidden zone, WE are all captive to this space in time. These tunes if uncertainty, of self doubt, I find solace in the Lord, yes, me the one thing, that is golden, is my faith in a GOD of all this, to believe in the great beyond, that this is not it, this life of slavery, yes I have lived, and good, had most fun, loved, hated, cried, laughed, that is this life, I look forward to doing more of all that in the future, to play out my hand.
My darkest weakest thoughts, can not compare to my feelings of lack of connection, lack of love… Most of my relationships are on Facebook, through texts and almost as if, they do not exist, I had much deeper more fun relationships, when I drank like fish, life was so much more fun, when I was an Iginorammous, yes I was ignorant and proud of it, well not at the time, eye was unaware, but now looking back, that was the most free I have ever been, only driven to drink and pleasure, what fun existence. I bought into the idea of procreation, full throttle, with abandon, loved to party and play, such fun. I have had a lust for all women, if I could I would have a million babies, I know, what a fkn EGO, I feel the NEED TO BREED. to my defense, most of this happened before my pre-frontal lobe had matured, you see, that part of our brain takes until 25 to mature, it is the part that helps with right and wrong, and that was about the time I quit drinking too, actually at 33, but had tried in earnest at 25, with little success, mainly dry drunk for 3 months, knuckle biting, halting life, moron. YET i was so freeeeee freee to move from state to state, city to city, welcomed in for more fun antics. Ignorance was bliss, yet I would have met a brick wall eventually, as I always did. I was oblivious to my station in life, I was not just another human being, I was an Alaskan Native, a people still under manipulation, a people still under siege, not that I was, perhaps not under siege, actually just under control. I never felt Native, I was always under the false impression, I was just as white as Donald Trump, I knew i was not, but I felt that way, until my awakening, my self awarness, sure I could pass, as pleasing to the white eye, but not as a pure blood, no they know, they say it all the time, that is my label. I wear it proudly, and accept my brain washed, whitewashed generation ahead of me, my own family included.
No there is not place for me in the Alaska Native scene of the 2020 world, only as a complainer, a detractor, the path is broken, the brainwiping runs deep. I reject the corporations as corrupt tools of the United States Government, and the leaders as nothing more than pawns, They rejoice about all the Native things they are doing, yet they do nothing. They are only driven by tax credits, just like any other corporation, its all about taxes. I will sound like a broken record, but they can do good, they wont, but they can.
They create jobs, for educated people, or low level jobs for Natives, housekeepers, janitor, carpenter, on a limited basis, NO they create jobs for CEO, educated Rich white people, or technical jobs, for college educated white Americans, or they hire a few token uneducated Natives. Why are they not educating Natives to take these jobs?
whey are they not creating online schools to give all Natives a chance to have these jobs?
FOR MY PERSONAL VIEW, from that of a Contractor over 20 years, there is not path for Natives, the big 8a projects, big Corporations, no path for small Native owned business.
that is just one thing that is wrong, the biggest is what was stolen
The Native lifestyle of subsistence, was given to any American, and all Americans, if you live in the city, where you have to go because they starved out the villages, to find work, you will not be able to afford to hunt or fish, because you will be paying for housing. The American cheap diet is killing Native Americans, keep stuffing the cheap bread and cereals down there throats. IDK anymore, I will say what the fuck eye want. it is true. Alaska Native are low on the Totem pole, not the Corporate leaders, but he people, they fall being all the groups of minorities, unless your part of the occupation, or a good uncle tom Native, yes lower than the immigrants that they import in to do the jobs they want you to do., lower than the slaved they imported and then gave rights above yours, Alaskan Natives have sold our their people, I have not home in Alaska, not even a tribe a speck of land. I see the future is bleak, the Native Corporation have done nothing to save culture of give natives at least dignity and culture to live the beyond years. where are all the grants to build villages to create housing in rural Native Alaska? shithole partisan cities.
Sometimes I think, are they so blind? or just greedy, do they not have any clue, the plan is to erase? Compared to what they have spend on the afghans, what they have spent on Iraq, The country that says on thing, then does another, Biden, just another tool, not much more than a fool, can not anyone see, he is just reading what someone else wrote, and not doing a good job of reading it.
my biggest complaint is about Native land, and how easy it was to give it to citizens and then sell it to rich people, after taxing it and then auctioning it off at lowball prices. The refuse to reverse this rule and we continue to pay tax on raw Native allotment, they created an environment of hate and distrust amongst Native families, We have been assimilated and will be forgotten.
I will work out the rest of my slavery life, tied to a mortgage and ever flowing bills, just to survive, knowing today could be the day that my stressful existence given to me by the Untied States Government, was well lived, not to the fullest, but as good as could be expected.
cry cry cry
yet no tears
ok enough procrastinating, when will I die, when will I die, God only knows
I did have a good day walking around teh other day, I was with the mindset love all people, and just not focusing on any negative humans, but just focusing on all being alive, Today, Now
enjoying my Facebook relationships, that is what I have electronic existence, I am a computer, I am not real, I am just a thought.
O O wait, as I was lying in bed last night I was just thinking, after watching some science show, I was trying to imagine all the thoughts on EArth, not the people, but he thoughts, it was kind of mind boggling, all these “things” are they real? how real, is it more real, our flesh? these facebook relationships are just as real, how we choose to perceive them is real to us
WOW am I way out there or what?
I think so, see what happens when unregulated thought goes down on paper.
I have always had this “skill” to imagine, whatever I wanted, to feel how I wanted. to think what I want, Freedom of thought. that is really all the freedom we have.
The rest is dependant on the world and others.
I am in my shell, I live in a kind of shell now, afraid to reach out to people to the next level. afraid they will reject or think of me as a kook, but why?
why art though?
I have no Idea, I know i have nothing to lose, as if they reject me, I will know it was never to be. and what pray tell is that, well that is the problem, just love, understanding, nothing else, yet such a dark and sheepish world. rejected for not thinking the same. disgusting. I turn away in disgust.