That was a quote from one of the Stoics, that was very important, but it should of read, learning how to live a happy life, you know what they say happy wife happy life, behind every successful man is a woman, pulling the strings, what about if they not successful? what then, still the wife’s fault?  Maybe if he is a child without free will.

We all have a choice to make in life, and the most important, to happiness or success, however we measure such things, the people you have close to you in your life, can be the catalyst to a good or bad life, yet the fault does not lie with them, We all have free will, free choice, yet you hear about the wife with the abusive husband, controlling with monetary or social, economic or whatever it happens to be, they feel trapped, Well the stoics do not value, money or status in life, The value is more on Virtue, Ethics, and goodwill, this is key, as it is far more important to live a virtuous life, than to have money, a poor man is rich, if he is virtuous, so in saying that, A person who has money, and does no good with the money, is of ill-repute, now I may have oversimplified the teachings, but at my neanderthal mind, it makes sense, lucky for me, I only have to concentrate on being virtuous, which is easy, but harder is acting more adult like, what does that mean?  controlling ones emotions and thoughts in all circumstance, not reacting to external stimuli, being inward focused, yes, I know all about this concept, yet, I love to just be wild, and happy, yet there is a dilemma, to be called childlike, and not in a good sense, but a more infantile manner. I am afraid some people may not like the adult me, here is the adult me:

 

So, I have been on this Stoic kick of trying to gain some happiness, or direction in my life,  I have been lost for so long, I know it seems, and I can be happy in most circumstances, but deep down, I know that I am not happy with the way my life is heading, there seems to only gloom and doom, and i know from the stoic thinking, that I can not control the outcome, only my own thinking, and my reactions, that is all, so my mindset must change, or I am to blame for my own misery.

this whole theory of living a virtuous life is all well and dandy, but it give little direction, isolation from people has not been  spring board to bigger and better things, but has left me wondering if I will ever have the full life I desire. I have no problem working, but its not non-working time that has more significance.

I had seen this show on Netflix, it was called the secret, they also had a facebook page, the concept, although much less aligned with the stoics, it was more wealth based, but the concept was good, To imagine the life you want to live, that was it in a nutshell, I have a good idea, and it is not the life i’m leading now. I know that, I have not relationships, like the days, me and my Dad used to go around in the skiff and have coffee visits, that was awesome, and that was in bush, no roads, no airports, yet here I live in a big city, and I have nothing, my trust of people that I would be able to just chat and visit with is zero. baseball is fine, and lots of good trusting people, but the drama, o  the drama. No life feels empty, except for the new dogs, I sure love them, I like to visit my brother Kelly, but he has other motives and Gilbert, my most trusted brother, it pains me  to see him, yet saving him, may save me. I love Arizona and could not imagine not living here, at least in the winter and part of the summer, love the summer until JUly, it gets real muggy, damn monsoons, I can work in dry heat, but that humidity is like kryptonite to me. I would love to work in Anchorage as a carpenter for summers, and perhaps get to know my oldest daughter Shavon, or even get to know Sarah and her bf Jackson in Denver, I dont have the money to just go and hang out, but working would be fun and visiting would be much richer, love to hike, and the Washington state area, I would love to go work up there and visit all my cousins, son Richard and Uncle Gilbert, not to forget brother Tollak. Those are my aspirations, what I want my life to look like, and I would be remiss, if I did not mention Kodiak, to be able to spend summer in kodiak and some winter too, and to become part of an already awesome family that lives on the Emerald Island, but most of all be able to move around freely, without handout and a place to stay in kodiak, or even on Woody Island, I do have an application for some land for my father’s native allotment, but it may be a long shot, more than anything I need a skiff or raft or even a canoe, I been looking  at inflatables the stryker specifically, be nice to be able to build a cabin in uganik and go back and forth, that is the life I see for myself, yet is seems so far away, perhaps I am too childlike to be able to consummate such things and they will forever be locked in my dreams, and aspirations.

that is my wants in life, not so much money or anything but be able have many relationships to be helpful to feel like I belong, that is all eye ever wanted.