so what did I do today, nada damn thing

I am drawing a blank, I think I am dying at times, and other times, like  I can live forever, I have a sneaking feeling, I could be a mess, perhaps riddled with some incurable cancer, but I will have to find out when I just collapse and die, there seems to be no other alternative, that or, go broke, trying to figure out what is the fk wrong with me, its a tough call, well life is good, but not good when your being treated to die, so why get treated, on the off chance that I am just being my typical hypochondriadick self, hahaha no spell check, that word worked, I thought I made it up….. hmmm

well I have been working on my P’s and Qs’ which one is write? well I tink its the latter, but me may be confused, sooo many rules, and they are in constant change, they change from location and in real time, I had no IDea, that keen was not a common word anymore, like I am keen on hunting, or he has a keen sense of human perception. Well, I have good news for myself, since this is a diary, a blog, clog, or whatever, I feel like calling it at any time, I dont have to write by any rules, guide books, or style systems, I just have to understand, it while I am writing it!

because, I do not edit, ahahha I can hear the taper (drywall Mudder construction worker putting finishes on drywall )  in Alaska, asking me, hey did you go home and practice with your router?  :/ well you should, what was his name….. BILLY someones kid, the Owner or something.

He was a nice guy, always smiling seemed like he was a happy human.

hey, I wonder if there are people out there, that actual do not like smiling happy people, is this a real thing, a resentment towards happy go lucky humans, I wonder…

that would be sad, so let me  in on my self lately, I have this thing, where I look at someone, young, or old, and imagine what they would look like in the opposite of their present age.

it is easy for the old to see the young, I have had this theory that we carry our whole lives on our faces and bodies. I know I can see my own sadness in my mouth, at times, it is the same mouth of my dear old dad.

I see some people and wonder what terrible life has made their face contorted to such anger and resentments, I know its not a science, but if you talk to most of them, it stays the same. If I have one super power, it is the ability to just wash my mind of things, wash away they hurt, how else could we survive, i could just eat it away and then die. I am sure that will be the death of me, if I am not already cancer laden.

So, I was yapping about this whole being grateful, it seems like a trap, like we are supposed to learn to be grateful for our world, if we were all to take that to heart, we would have never found and conquered the New world, we would have never went to the moon, we would all still be working at Mcdonalds, right?

we would be happy to be slaves, or welfare people, or to eat the sugar and flour that is making our whole country obese.

So… I do not think that argument holds water, but I do think, it is good to appreciate any good we can get from our lives, however small.  learn to be happy regardless of our life trauma and events. to plow ahead, knowing we have no control over our lives, except like in the bible, GOD helps those, that helps themselves.

so I do not buy into the being grateful. it is a big fucking scam.

I think this being grateful bullshit is a way to keep people down, be grateful Natives that you get a 1000 a year, no mind that your culture and land has all been stolen, and if your luck you have been assimilated.

I see this on TV, unless you pay for cable, the good channels are a bombardment of dog and child abuse commercials asking for your money, and they last 3 to 5 min. each. or they trying to get you to buy death insurance life insurance. be grateful. hogwash.

I say be Mindful, be mindful of your life.  think think think.  than run for you lives.