Well my latest battle wages on. I have some appointments with the Mayo, find out what is going on. I suspect that it is my thyroid failing from the radiation, as it is one of the things to look out for and can effect multiple systems. Last year answer and ad on facebook after going through a sickly patch, and they diagnosed me with hyperthyroidism, so I started working on my diet, to see If I could treat it, My internet docktor (me) did all the research, finding helpful foods and foods to avoid. but the old ticker, kept bugging me, well in my chest area, already dealing with gerd, damn cheese, love the stuff, but the days of eating big hunks of it are over. So I ended up at Phoenix Indian Center, where I was again diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, The scheduled me the outpatient care, and I me with a very competent sounding Doctor, I like the government doctors, sometimes, they do not over prescribe or test, money flies out the window, even with my sweet mary’s life saving Insurance. He scheduled me for more test after giving me a blood test, but to my suprise, I got a call from some clerk? and they said “you dont have HT, something was not high, but with no other advise or follow up. So I just figured my diet was working. I have been eating pretty good the last year. all natural, maybe too much Milk, my magic elixir, anyway, I was still having nausea, and weird neck issues.  the Nausea I self-treated with some black market marijuana, but I think that was masking the symptoms, I first thought it was the cause. WE cause most of our own problems. I know I do.  I was only night time, to unwind, loved the alternate thinking “state” it gave me, it was much easier to decompress, my own snappy judgments and running on emotions, without dulling my brain too much. I know now, it was making me, lazy? no….. It makes me complacent. I do like the fact that the “small stuff”  seems even smaller, but without that push of my brain for a better tomorrow, I get stuck in a self enclosed bubble.

I have no idea how my body will react to the Covid. my symptom persist, I suspect, that my thyroid is the main culprit, but it seems real intermittent. I can be fine one min the next, Im wondering how long I’m going to live,either strong as an ox, or weak like  a kitten. sometimes, I feel so alone, like when I had cancer and was going through Chemo, at the sickest point, I knew that was what it was like to die from cancer, not a goodtime. horrible, I know how they feel, we lost another one, my 2nd cousin from my Moms side, they lived such and idyllic life, up in the New Mexico mountains, beautiful county, I could see myself living up there. I am still having symptoms, the worst is the tinnitus, I had been able to defocus it with focus, my only way of describing my method, focus so intently on the noise, and it goes away, it used to, now, it seems to persist, the best option is to get busy and stay busy.  I have an Mri for prostate, hearing test for this tinnitus and an appointment for the throat cancer peeps to look at me again. My wife thinks I’m a hypochondriac, and perhapst to some extent I am, but it has kept me alive, but masking symptoms may not be a good idea, when they finally override the mask, bad news, My cousin had little warning. I wanted to call, but I know I am insignificant, what can I say. soothing dumb words is all  they would be, more scared than helpful. I dont care who is there, you still die alone, death is so very personal. Life is too. I need to find the book, how to lead a stress free prosperous life, I have been unable, to find that key, the main culprit, people, not strangers, but my own family.  feel, my family is so toxic, it will never get better. The same old passive aggressive bullshit. why do I always feel we are in some kind of competition? is it me? I wonder, what am I doing that makes them want to be a Cog,even when I am working for the good of all of us. Ignorance? I am unsure. I am happy with financial mediocre existence. I am dumfounded as to the motivation of their behaviour, but I suspect it is rooted insecurities.  My path is better without them. sad, I wish it was not so. I remember, after my parents divorce, things changed for me very much, even though my father was abusive, something passed down, generation to generation, I felt wanted and loved by both parents, they were the result of their childhood foundations, or lack of. That is a  huge thing to understand. but since the I did not feel loved anymore, I was no longer the golden boy, but a fatherless bastard.  I still feel this today, I know my problem. I just feel so much h8t from my own family. this was my foundation, I have fought hard, and have been able to not be one of them, often lashing out, because, although I know why they are that way, I cant see how they are so blind to something ingrained since childhood. ignorance is bliss, I see them fighting all over the place, not just me. my sad truth.  It is better to stay away. wow, that went south quickly,not matter what I set out to write, my feelings, those pesky feelings, come out. resentments, not at this point, like Jesus said. “forgive them Father, they know not what they do” ok maybe the wording not perfect, or just pick one close, out of the 100’s of sect,divisons or whatever floats your boat.