What makes me tick? I wonder at times, well I know it is me ticker, but more than that, what drives me forward.
Self Awareness can be a long journey, I mean looking back at times in my life, what was driving me? from an early age, the only real driver was self preservation, that was done by muting my feelings, the feelings around me with former favorite concoction Booze. I am not sure I could have survived without it. looking back it was my friend. Everytime I took that first drink, the world looked rosey, I was suddenly optimistic about life, even though I had no Idea, how the night would end. That one moment, I was normal.
I loved going on drinking binges, after choking down that first drink in the morning after drinking all night, I was again normal and ready to enjoy the day. It is true, this was when I was not working. When I was not drinking, looking back, it is hard to see anything but a shark like mentality, or a survival mentality. life is not fair for some, more than others. I was blessed with a brain and some decent features, but I was as lost as a person can be. No direction no playbook, nothing. It is confusing now looking back. a sense of purpose? no. I sense of belonging? nada
what has me thinking back? well there is that term, you worry what people are thinking about you at a certain age, then when you get to a certain point, you realize, they were not thinking about you at all?
this has me confused, or at least trying to mash it up with my own thoughts and experiences.
when I was a kid, I could care less what people thought about me. I was totally indifferent, I was like a small shark, search and destroy, stay out of trouble. have fun, more fun, play play play.
I used to sing our dog a song it went like this “Baby baby Buggers lost his WAY, now he cant go out and PLAY PLAY PLAY”, I guess that is what my life has been, and I am grateful for that, sure I had lots of trouble, but I was driven by fun, for the next time I could go out and Play play play. Everything I even did was in the pursuit of play, play with my kids, they often joke that I am just a bug child. yes it is still true. I just want to have fun. I want to play play play, unfortunately life is not setup for me to play play play, hahaha ok enough of that clip
ONe of the worst feelings that I can think of is feeling unloved…. scorned or perhaps as baggage. I never wanted to make anyone feel this way. I have felt this way many times in my life, it is sad, a sad feeling, On the bright sidee, you can always find someone who feels unloved, who drinks, just like you do. like fish we were.
When you feel unloved, Play is the only way, The best way to avoid that type of Isolation is to fill it with adventure. YES, this has been my life, I love adventure. The one thing that I made sure of was making sure, my children were loved, I wish I had made it more fun, my fears, rued the day in that regard. I remember being out boating and the thought of one of them getting chopped up in the prop, well the ruined my demeanor, perhaps their good time, Richard, often says, dad you just had kids so you could have buddies, yes true, but I was also driven by procreation and having a family. I never looked past the point of them moving away, for good. lost in space
Family has always been a high priority, yet it seems as though we are all just now only family in name, perhaps not even that. I have always gone with the thought “blood is thicker than water” yet it really is not true. blood is blood, nothing else. You can never have a relationship based no just blood, it has to be mutual. of mutual respect. of a desire to at least acknowledge, I just feel cheated.
not by anyone in particular, reflecting back on my life. they say forget the past. I can not or will not. It is what make me, ME. I mean, I can not dwell in the past, that would only lead to a life of blame and bullshit, but I can say, shit happens. that has to be always on the frontline. just because I am good, or have become aware, or self aware, does not mean that anyone, family, friends or whatever are on board, I have been pretty good now for 25 years. Perhaps emotionally 25 years old. I was a loose cannon, still can be. but it was me, all me. me me me. 🙂
I will not take it back, I do feel good about my life, survival perseverance, I am not done yet, but sometimes, I think, I could just lay down and quit, and perhaps that is an option in some regards.
I will survive. I just have to see at what cost. what was I jabbering about, O reflecting. yes.
Well the whole Alaska thing has me on a whirlwind of thoughts, Alaska has been a big piece of my life, yet, Anchorage has dark ominous clouds, I feel like, the times that I lived in Alaska, were more survival, than good adventure, except my times on Kodiak, with my father, in Anchorage, I was wet as soup. in Kodiak too, but we were of the same. There were many dry spells thanks to living on Woody Island and out in Uganik, very few times drinking in either place, except fishing times. that was my peace. Anchorage was BArs, CArs and lots of booze, years of bars. I lived in the bars. I have to admit it was some good drinking, at the bluffs, goose lake, and bars. did I mention the bars? lol. a barfly me was. Koots, the monkey wharf, gussie lamour, the pines club, swiftwater bills and the fly by night, O dont forget PJ”S or the Great Alaskan Bush company, I never really was into watching strippers, just seemed like a waste of time, and money, except PJ’s they had good beer prices, and some not so pretty strippers, and one pretty one, I think they even advertised as much.
I love to look back on all those days, perhaps as a testament to my survival skills? hahah dumb luck I am still alive. no that was perhaps wasted time. fun but wasted.
Except a bright spot of those Anchorage years, which I was unbeknownst or was Eye? the birth of my eldest child. It makes all that worth it. I really have no Idea. One thing I do know that wI will always be grateful for her mother, her grandparents and her family. It is such a powerful feeling, and although, I will never be a real father to her or a real grandfather to those children, as I am who I am, a lost soul in the minds of others. I will always love them and try to do what I can. I am on outsider just another human, yet I am grateful to be able to call them my family, since this adventure, I have taken a hard look at the rest of my extended family, and realized, they dont matter, well I wish they did, but thier actions say otherwise. I would think my Own family would embrace my new found family. lost in space. how the hell did i die? I changed inside. How it seems impossible. why it seems strange, why I can not explain it. Everything about seems to be a clone of myself, but not. I feel her pain, her love, yet we are so far apart. she loves those kids, they love her, they have weathered many storms, maybe I will never be anything but the old man in Arizona. hmmm kinda flakey, well journalling is about to expire. my lease is up, I need to find some work, or no play play play 😉
I had a thought the other day, when I was remembering our recently departed pets, I like to think about them and remember them, it really is a good place, kinda sad, but a very good place, we gave them good lives, we think anyway. Most of my relatives and friends the connection is minimal, we no longer live in tribes, or extended families, we live in society, one built on the Kings and Pharaohs of the past, yeah democratic in a way, but not really, when we vote… what is put before us, who is put before us, that is all predetermined by the high dollar humans. We my friend or the manipuatees is that a word? when I think of the little speck of a human that I am, compared to the whole planet of millions of minions mind boggline, just have to survive, I guess, what else is there anymore? Ok I went off track, I do love to be alive, I just think our world has gotten sidetracked. The rat race mentality lives, We are Free Slaves, but dont work, your a pariah, an outcast. asses and elbows.