my fingers hurt my toe throbs after a week of  roof framing, it went well, got the gable fascia installed, just need to do the eaves, took longer than expected, but I tried to make everything true and straight, looks good.

I feel good but me body is tired, it feels good, real good actually, I can not imagine just laying around and trying to feel good, just dont see it.

 

So I had a conniption, or shit fit bout just bullshit. sometimes I have no idea what drives me, I do know that I have to make sure to keep my composure, sometimes a quip is more than just a quip.

The truth, I have a lot of baggage, stuff that I have been carrying around for years, it is the reason I have no problem drawing upon it to induce anger  and anytime, for any reason.

almost 60 and still on the self improvement kick, well it has to be a life quest, it has reaped rewards. much pain, MUCH

mucho pain baby, Mucho

I have no right questioning anyone else’s pain, pain runs deep.  Our childhood pain is perhaps the deepest of all,  you know why?

I will tell you what I read.  we remember this time in our lives, because it is all so NEW, it is an imprint, we are imprinted.

I really hope and pray my imprint on my children has been a positive one, if not, o well, not fixing that part of their lives, although, it is never too late to improve.

So my trip to Seattle was a great success, I got to visit with my brother John Tollak, he has been and still is someone that I look up to.  He has raised a family on his own power, meaning.. he was mostly the sole bread wiener, hahha just kidding, but really in this day and age, us slaves at the “middle class” are not likely to be able to have a stay at home mom and a one  income existence.

That is a lot of pressure. you have to keep your nose to the grindstone, even with 2 incomes, it is hard. I remember we were paying out more to childcare than I could make on Unemployment. so I  did get to stay home and buy Johnny Mcdonalds between jobs,  even though I was making good money, after paying for childcare, the amount we had leftover was the same, but Alaska paid and extra 25 for each kid, the  permanent fund was a bonanza, we should have saved for their future, but we got couches instead :/

I think the people in this world that I  relate to are my brothers, John, gilbert and kelly. Gilbert is crippled up, I know I should-*-* go see him, but just like when he was drinking, I could not fix him, or get him to see my thinking. I know it is my weakness, just because I believe it will make him better…

O and I talked to an old friend, Joe Roach, now trollman, I must at least try to see him next time.
So I was thinking about all these relatives in Washington, they are splintered into family sects, well most of them I have had not relationship in the past, they much  are like my family tree research, and it is better off to keep them on paper where they belong. that is ok with me, some I was hopeful but they seem to be under the family Ogers, who like to keep disention alive and well.

I got to see one of my favorite cousins Steve Markey

I dont know, but I want to make connections with all of the ones that are not holding some ghost grudges? or listening to a family Ogar, how do you spell ogre?

I just know that I have this rule, I dont use hearsay to limit who or when I like someone, take for Instance Julie Markey, now I have had little connection with her in childhood, as she was a toddler or tike when I was of party age ( which started at 8 years old)  anyway she is fun to hang out with, maybe a little on the darkside, but most of my family comes from the dark side, not too many leave it to beaver families, maybe Auntie Grace, not sure she still had Alyce as her Mom, but as close as eye can see

Anyway, if I were to believe family lore, Julie is someone not to be  liked, trusted and has a drug addict mentality, I dont see all that bs, but I do have fun hanging out with her, I just wish she would let bygones be bygones, we have our whole lives left, well maybe not a lot for some of us, but your brother Steve is as good a human, I Know he has reached out to you, anyway please be his little sister again.

I really wanted to see Grace and Raylene, I was a little disappointed in getting the cold shoulder from ray 🙁  but who knows what she is dealing with.  maybe back on the bottle, but that is not my problem, I am, and never will be the holier than thou mtfkr, NEVER

Perhaps I should have tried Gracey, sweet Grace. she had a birthday recently, it would be good to see that family again. little Jessa Ray, or Ryan and the little guy, christopher, but he probably does not remember me, he was just a baby back in the day.  it would also be good to see Greg, he was alway fun to be around.  he did some good Elvis impressions or and was just fun to be around, or his brother brent and Lisa, they were always welcoming, I know there was a big split between Eddie and Brent over some money, they were partners, Eddie never liked me, I just remember one time, he came out of his room and yelled at us to be quiet, not much more than that, O and my mother says I used to taunt him with “Uncle Eddie” but I dont remember that, but I too have selective memory

I dont know if they have put me on a shelf because of my connectiont o Eddie as my Uncle, or if it was my actions back in the day, I plead insanity for the actions, insanity of testosterones and youth fueled by lots of beer.  I guess no excuse. we are controlled by our hormones at that age. I dont know maybe water under the bridge, but not for some. I did not have much of a moral compass, but in my defense, if there is one, I was fueled by booze, as most of our tribe. I am the  guy who slept with his best friends wife in a instant.

I never know with this family, they give great Cred to the Ollstead clan, and they were one of the only real genetic families that were part of our PRE DNA history. our white connection, now with DNA,  I have 2 new family connections, pure white, well pre modern white, not too many white people around, most mixed with something anyway.

I can think of only 2 people that I know, Fred simms and Brian… what his face..

I feel like going off on a tangent, but will stick to the same script.

So will I ever get any answers? I dont know, maybe after they are all dead. the OGERS that is..

spelled it wong again 🙂

O and my cousin is getting married, Denae Marie, love that name, it was my uncle Fred’s boat name.  she getting married to some boat designer, I thought she was going to become  a spinster, had no idea, I used to love her post, she a cute little waif of a human, never really knew her, just my uncles daughter, they always seem sheltered, protected from the outside world, we had an issue, I think she took my admiration for some kind of weird lust, which at my age was kinda creepy, I think of her as a child, hahaha she probably 40 now, and old hen 🙂 just kidding, but you know, even Julie Ann, I think of her as a kid. I wish I had got to see her mom before she died, it was a secret death, I dont blame her, I will do the same, but such class and beauty Aunt Julie had, at least from my perspective.

my Uncle Fred, he was one of the few Man figures I had growing up, and although very limited, it was a treasure for me, from the time he took me to disneyland, I just remember in a wrestling match against a rival school, its funny, the other team had all these fancy gear, tights, headgear and such, I hardly knew we were going LOL, anyway, I remember my Uncle Fred making a point to point out his distaste for Rod Stewart and having sperm in his derrière, the words were more crude, not sure why where that came from, but that was the family culture, still is, hard for some to change their spots. He also used to take me up to Snoqualmie, we had great times, maybe 3 times, but it was the world to me. then there was the time we were fishing in kodiak, Steve Markey on uncle fred’s boat, and me and my brothers on the chignik girl, we were hanging around town, bored out of our skulls, anyway Steve tells us, Uncle Fred has some Marijuana on the boat, so I went and stole some, I like to think of borrowed..

you know it is funny, but my brother Gilbert was telling my one time, he made sure that I did not take all the blame for that excapade of mine. I was like wtf I dont care that was 30 years ago, I was 17 man this whole life punishment for bullshit is out of hand, but it is alway ingrained into Alaska brainwashing, maybe World brainwashing.  guilt was a big part of growing up for us.  Oh well

so I dont know, I wish I could save everybody.

so many of us in these traps, were trapped, will we ever be free?  I think the key for me is finding happiness within, within my own thinking. grateful for all that I have, for have lived my life, for all that want to be a part of my life, perhaps on the horizon, we will all be part of the same team. I see us all on the same burden, the same traps. I feel lucky, yet still want more out of life, than just to live, I want to live well, to thrive to have many fun moments, to have adventures.

I want to just have fun visits, no bullshit, I do have a confession, I love to hear the gossip, but unless I have firsthand knowledge it is only hearsay, and I will not judge anyone on the word of another, we all lie, either by omission or outright.

O and I must mention one thing that is most important to me. I pray, wish, whatever, I want my family to have healthy family relations with their all their cousins, I am grateful to my Brother Tollak and his wife tammie, they have raised some great kids, they all seem to like me, at least tolerate me, I had not feeling they were holding animosity towards me, or ill feelings, you know like I was a monster.

had some quality time with Tollak SR, he showed me his drone, wow, they are pretty cool, I just ordered one on amazon, well the cheapest one they had but a DJI like he had, I had not idea they were so easy to fly, I got to meet Charles he was very unimpressed with this stranger.

The highlight of the trip was seeing my Uncle Gilbert, I guess he forgets stuff, but his mind seems as sharp as a tack, he walks up the hill everyday. I wish I had know, I would have picked him up and taken him to richard record release. that would have been fun. I dont know why nobody picked him up, I would have in a heartbeat.

it would also have been nice to see cousin Jennifer, it has been many years. hopefully next time, and perhaps even cousin baz.

well that is all I have. that is how I feel after a week of working.

You know we all have these lives, whether we are happy or we just trying to be happy, sometimes we in traps or stuck in life, but life always changes, if we look to improve within, we can look to help others or just accept them as they want to be. but the key for me

is within my own thinking, everything is my perception. I do not have to accept my own perception, analyze them, are they good, are they truthful? am I truth

I seek love, truth and a happy death

must not forget adventure

loved working this week on roof framing, I nailed it. I think that is the largest roof I self framed.  🙂

I think I will do a song today, stay tuned