Lately, I have been cleaning up my act, yes, well kinda, just putting perspective on things, like what relationships are important, which ones cause me angst, Facebook friends down to me closest sweet Mary and my children, which are all good, not without growth and dissension of sorts, I mean really, is there an Ozzie and Harriet type of relationship out there, in perfect sync on everything? Eye think not!
I recently resigned from a position on our little Native board, it had become so poisonous to my life, just what the government intended, but on the flip side, maybe I can still salvage some family relationships on my island, although it looks bleak, I am hopeful, They have done some good things. we no longer are being taxed for Indian land, but they lawyers are still hovering around like vultures, not so much on our tiny plot of land, but the Native allotments, that are doled out then, taxed to sale. many a Native has been taxed off his land in Kodiak, just ask Larsen bay. no my usefulness has come to and end. I will perhaps forget about having a place to go, where the bars cars and rue the day. 🙂 but a peaceful heart, much more important, I will share what I know on another page, but trying not to poison the well, brings me to another point, that I want to make in this scribble, that I write. I am a horrible speller, but WordPress, is not much better, I have to do a search on the internet to find the proper spelling cut paste) blah blah blah
This is one thing that has been bothering for a long time, it is gossip hearsay and toxic family relationships, this also can be put on lots of other issues as well, like baseball, and I have been no innocent in this malady. I mean, as a Manager coach, I often would critique other players, very common, but, the better way is to say nothing, to anyone, just make your lineup, and play ball. we humans are touchy creatures, off track a little, as this was not pet peeve, it is a much deeper level, the family level. we grew up in a pretty toxic, but loving home. we fought like cats and dogs. we were leaderless and with out a clue, unfortunately sometimes childhood has a way of spilling over into adulthood.
We have brothers sisters, whom we love without question, we have fought, we have perhaps even been nasty, but never did our love wane. How do we share our darker feelings of them with, who gets a one sided view of our brothers and sisters? our kids do. I had tried to be good in this respect for my lifetime, yet I have faltered,not so much on an intentional Malicious behavior, but on a periphery type nature. I know when we were growing up, I had quite a reputation as a scrapper, and gave many beatings to my younger brother, Gilbert, one time I slapped him so hard on the back it left an imprint, Even in adulthood, he would push my buttons for no reason at all (in my mind) yet we always love each other. It is one of the guilt’s, that I still carry to this day. My Epiphany on this subject came, shortly after Gil moved to Arizona to help me in my Construction gigs. He had a chance to get a big job, and instead of feeling happy for him, I was jealous, that was just wrong, but it was the way we were raised, well not intentionally of course. My mother yelled at us one time, “Quit fighting with each other, there are plenty of other people to fight with out there” I dont think I laid hands on him since. My son Richard really came like Gilbert and would speak fondly of him at all times, I would always push them not to judge people by the thoughts and reviews of other people, that is what sheep do, plenty of sheep on the internet spouting off lies, or half lies, I had also partaken of a few post 🙁 but after looking saw, it was just propaganda.
I had been thinking this way for many years, as I had heard bad things over the years about family, my father would often tell me all the problems with his siblings and the things they said and did to him, he even shared some of his drunken child stories, my mom side was not any nicer, I had never let the words of other, even loved others, taint my feelings of relationships of family or even non-family. There will always be the words spoken is the shadows, I know, I have my ghost of Christmas past, but first I need to Rollerblade around the block, 3 miles. that was nice, kinda scary on these new blades with giant wheels faster, but my balance is not what it used to be.
anyway where was eye? I know my spin of gossip and how families are detached from one another, not that there is much in common, but as family. No i had to experience it myself, I know there is much poison or maybe it is just lack of self esteem, I know I had batches of that, still do at times, but it is not pervasive.
Let me talk about my, perhaps jaded past, I beat up my cousin, rather badly, this is true. The long and short of it. we had fought before, when I brought a girl to his house, he got primitive, was already with a wife, ended badly not much damage, ego, I moved the sunny California, went to visit cousin, bury the hatchet, not literally, anyway, I had just lost my eye, a few months earlier and was sporting a patch, we started talking about the fight and he blurts out “Ill just knock out your other eye” they arrested me on warrants in the middle of the night at trailer my mom shared with her boyfriend. sad story, He was my favorite cousin, him and his sisters, were very accepting of us, it put a strain on my relationship with half the family, an outcast of sorts, but not my Aunt, his mom, never a word spoken.
these confessions or reliving the past can only be used against me, so if your one of the spreaders of lies, please get some facts, not hearasy, dont be a sheep, or be a man and ask me directly, I have nothing to hide, except, I try to hide the fact that I have one eye, not easy with these eye makers, butchers to say the least. I am going to have to modify a few that i have. this last one, was a nightmare, o fk.
but it has promise, I think i can dremel it into shape.