Well well, what have I done,  yes it is all me, despite my knowing better, I let the dark side take over, and it got me exactly what it has always promised, death and disease.

this morning I await the results of a Covid test, I have been bed ridden for 4 days now, I have not idea how I could have gotten it. I have not gotten close to anyone, well except the love of my life, Sweet Mary. my spiral into the darkness was ugly, as seen by my posts. I have a very vivid imagination and know that we all have the same curse in some respects, you get, what you give, if you give ugly, ugly you shall receive.

Sometimes My insecurities get the best of me, I am a fool, I know better, there is no excuse.

I have become very good about, filtering out the negative people in my life, baseball, what a shit show. Just to go out and have some baseball fun, run around and play. not happening.

Lots of other toxic humans. the thing is, they think they are right, there thinking is right. dont we all want to think, we are on a good path, well, not sociopathy or psychopathy, or the damaged humans beyond repair. As always, I must forgive myself, and try to do better. The only people really in my life right now at this moment, are my wife and my son John, we are forging ahead together, that team has to remain strong. My wife is in a very stressful Government  job, with very; Nast, lazy, incompetent, jealous people. The amount of waste in Government is astronomical, that coupled with driving in shitty phoenix traffic an hour both ways, can make for a stressful existence. I have no answer,  I have not been able to get a permit, although I have 2 potential projects on the burner, which would spark some life into my pathetic existence. I hope it is not Covid, I fear the worst, even though I have been vaccinated, but Sweet Mary thinks it is a lung infection, I will find out today, If it is, I have about 10 days to know if it is serious or not.  I think sweet mary is right,  so I will try to get some antibiotics today. My purpose in life is yet to be attained, I am too young to die.

on a side not, very proud of SM, she is a true thinker,  not a sheep bone in her body, go get em girl. Very proud, my sentiments exactly, also very proud of Precious, but that under wraps for now, love my babies, love them to the moon and back. I going back to bed.