I have this rotten feeling in the pit of my gut, it won’t wash away, no matter how much i soak it, feel it, absorb it away. Like a headache that wont go away, only a slow burning flame that won’t go out.

My path is obstructed, but clearly not wearing these shoes. I feel like I have traveled back in time, hey! maybe I am a time traveler?  back to when queer and fag were the norm, n*&*^ and s&*^& were as common as water and Ice, when everyone penis size was the main topic of discussion, when tits and ass were big words. I feel repulsed by my behavior some way, yet know this is not who I am, reduced to my lowest common denominator. You know when little kids are fascinated by peeing and pooping,  between the false exercises and all the gutter talk, I still feel connected. I wonder its it also a neglect of myself to think I am above people who are fascinated by the lowest aspects of our existence?  I know it is no my job to fix these things, or even protest, yet to join in, or even be an aspect of?  how can this possibly make me a better human, smarter faster healthier? is it a test from God? To even write this piece of shit makes my skin crawl with dirt. I see it on the faces, this is not an isolated incident, this is pervasive throughout. yet it seems the norm. Like gang green, all the healthy flesh will still be consumed if left to flourish.  I did not intent to write this dirty piece.

I just woke up and am typing my feelings, my regret at being a part of, how to not join in? weak minded me.  I just do not know how to say this, spit it out boy!

Ok here it is. I think this all boils down to control, distractions, like the scientology’s trick of running across the room and touching things, programming. I have spent over 25 years trying to better myself, my thinking, my knowledge, now I  am talking about cameltoes, yes, the kind that are not in the desert, well. not the kind with humps, ok, not the kind that are ridden, ok, damn this is harder to do than I thought, here we go, not the kind on a pack of camel cigarettes, you see where I gone, right into the gutter.  I know some of the camel toes are by gaining too much weight, but also there are the kind that are blatant displays of  Sex, almost obscene in  a way, like the big chested boobs hanging all  over the place. dont get me wrong, these things can still fire up my blood, get it pumping in all the places. yet, in the terms of the woman’s movement, to gain equality, these things are what EYE, (a nobody) consider an obstacle, a hindrance to gaining true equality  in our world, but what do I know? I think that when they wear makeup, or high heels and are showing anything but business, are hurting all women everywhere, I have a fondness for all women, always have, never have I thought them inferior, O to the contrary,  they are not driven by testosterone, which turns us into low thinking humans. the kind that you see above, we infect our children, or wives and the whole world. dont get me wrong, I love this part of me, it gives me great pleasure to fantasize and visualize such things, but truth be told, I know I am just a slave to my body, my mind is the true me, if I let go of these hormones, these feelings, these ever present negative thoughts, to love everyone, accept the broken, the weak, the masses, be aware of our very short existence. be a kid again.  this post is garbage thinking stinking bad words ugly me, self depreciating slandering of oneself.  ONE DAY AT A TIME. my biggest job is to not regress into the sewer