I dont know about all of everyone else, ahahhaha  yeah, that taint right, but so whats

I know one thing,  I have matured over the years, but self learning and thinking about it, really I still nowhere in this whole thing about educated adult. I mean, really, all my beliefs about my own self awareness have been turned upside down.

its almost as if I am starting from scratch. I know one thing, I do not want to keep going in this endless cycle I am headed for. I am getting tired of all the paper road blocks or monetary restriction on the contracting world, so much wasted time on filling out bullshit paper work, dealing with no help non profits. its a trap, I do have some moves in place, but so fucking convoluted.

working in the heat is no problem, the problem is the work dries up when the heat comes, every summer. I need to make some changes, get out of dodge, start working towards something besides wasted $$   I feel trapped in a cage. my only outlet this damn computer, and the hills, the hot desert hills offer more refuge and peace of mind, I have been stuck on this only have 20 years left if I live to 80 bullshit.  I am still in shape, strong and ready for adventure.

I did have a slip of sorts, I ate 5 pieces of buttered bread the other night, had the worst acid gerd you could imagine. So I am back on a fast, plus i gained a few pounds, up to 185, I had a half an avocado and some macadamia nuts, this is a fat fast, my favorite, much easier than a water fast. I need to make some moves, I do not want to be stuck in this state during the summer for the rest of my life, and that is the trajectory that I see, and without some risk and change, that may be my ultimate demise.

I been thinking about fishing, adventure, torture all in one, just risky, not fun making no denaro.

I just dont know if my thinker is better now than when I was young dumb and full of *%#  I know I am smarter, lots of learned lessons, sometimes they beat you down while learning, but they make you stronger and smarter, next time.  I feel like a number.

its nice being rested, but the wolves, the damn wolves never stop, the mortgage, the cars the bills all keep coming, train keep on rolling.

I believe Alaska has to be in my cards, hopefully not winter but summer, next summer for sure, might be too late this year, fishing over and not sure about getting a carpentry gig, old one eyed natives need not apply, I did apply for a 250 a day deckhand job on a  commuter boat, that would be cool and guaranteed dollars and fun too.

the  only problem is having to leave Sweet mary in the desert. but I just dont see any future in this  ass backward state of affairs.

I know I wine on this diary, but I feel good an hopeful.  for some reason, I feel everything will be alright, I just have to think good thoughts and do good things, above all be virtuous in all my dealings with all humans.

O so I had a good day the other day, I was on a roll, I saw a few people struggling and was able to cheer them up and get a SMILE, yes, I couple duds too, but I did not let that stop my rampage of happy thoughts and niceties.  It so easy to be nice to people. I think I just have to be aware that some of the unhappiness is deeply rooted, and nothing can penetrate the sad/angry amor of some people, and perhaps it is just temporary.

I had an ephiany, We are all nut cases, we can go from happy to sad in a milli sec and back and forth. especially when no mindfulness is in effect.  I have been watching

myself, and it is true, about 90 seconds for emotions to subside, unless you feed them, then you can hold on to that bullshit for the rest of your life!

I just cant see how it is possible, but I watch this phenomenon in myself daily. thoughts so strong one min, your brain freezes your body starts stressing up, but with mindfulness it abates, subsides and you wonder what the fuck happened.  not just me, I watch this in other people too when I take pictures.

or just watch your dogs, they do it too.

that’s enough of my crap for one day.

love love love, love me do