all layers on

 

the funk of life is at my doorstep, eliminating my want mechanism seems to a viable solution in this world of ours, and at the same time being grateful for my life and all that I have, taking into consideration, my poor poor pitiful me mentality, well not really, I just rolled with the punches, it is much nicer, when, you expect Most of the world to be coming from a money mentality, get yours: its who you know, not what you know: good people finish last: get yours, and many more, we are a take society, we have all become dependent on someone else for Our happiness, Most people have no Idea of how little control we have over our lives, that is until, you realize, you control one thing, the way you react, and our mindset, if you can come to terms with these, you will not be disappointed, When you learn to forgive others for their behavior, for they are ignorant of a good life. I still want stuff, that is hard to stop, but they bring grief, the main thing is not to become a slave to our wants, a fine line Lucille, We are all alone, when we die, our story is over, everybody else moves on, until their story is over. That should be inspiring, yet is makes me sad, I want to live forever and ever, that why I am so hoping on the Everlasting life that Jesus promised us, yet I know, it is far more important to live for those life moments, soak them up, a smile, a hug, just looking around and seeing the tress, birds, rain, sun, life all around us, soaking it up into my soul, I was hiking the other day, I stopped and just listened, the only thing i could hear was a light whisper of the wind, then my heart pulsating through my often empty skull :/ hahah no really, the vistas were food for my soul, I long for the outdoor, it beckons me, love to see the post of so many hiking spots, I want to go to the Grand Canyon and so that one, perhaps solo, just need some sheckels, damn money hard to come by these day, running into lot of cheapest, hahaha here is one, this one cAt, he had a leaky patio, the house was now worth and sold for 800k, he bought it for 3k, I think he wanted me to work for minimum wage, even at the price I gave him, I was thinking, well dont really want that one, could fall, high work on a roof, over 100 out, Here is another one, this other cat, building a 500k house at 120 a square ft, much more at the going rate, Framing is the highest cost, bid that one for cheap, for a contractor, Just so many shady fks. when you skimp and shiver people, you end up with nightmares, I hired so many “carpenters” haha a I use that term loosely, framers, ONE way monkeys 25 an hour, most would not even be apprentices, uh ok, whining again DOH!! yeah I am not getting caught up in any nightmare deals, I already way under other builders cost, no minimum wage jobs, I have did enough of those, I have learned the hard way, although perhaps easy for me, Knowledge is food, the main thing is try not to give it away, just enough, O how many times, on bid, and they have no clue, other contractors or investors, just want to know bearing walls or best practice. “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on ME” my favorite. but I must do good work, be honest, even when those that I deal with, live by another code, perhaps, this one, “do unto others, then split” that one happens a lot, especially the unlicensed. OK, truthfully, I am procrastinating, still need to finish these drawings, which entails stealing notes from plans that already passed Plan review, by the shirt and show people, reminds me of my days working as a computer tech, that was fun, except for the jealousy, One lady got mad at me for fixing a printer, she was supposedly an “expert” she was saying “how did you do that” not very nice, either, she stormed out, slamming the door, another one cried for no reason, I was pretty callous in those days, and really like that job, except for the Nazi doctors, demanding I fix their connection, but they had the sever room locked, “top secret” hahah just another computer. My all time favorite was fixing and teaching the staff, so many nice people, but this is when I got my fattest ever 235, my high water mark, a buffalo of sorts. I am doing pushups, it really keeps me from eating, get a hunger pang, just do 25 pushups, it goes away, up up and away, and I get stronger, today is my weight lift day, but it is raining, did I say I was procrastinating, perhaps, why I have nothing to say, so close yet so far, have to make an Isometric, and do an Electrical panel Calc, I have done them before, but alas, not enough times to just “do it” must look it up again. WoW it is dark and rainy. I wish I Had some dough, I need to get cracking, wish in one hand, shit in the other, hand full of shit. that from brother John, aka Tollak, not tallak. I call him tally wacker, not to his face of course, he so serious, just to me and Richie, Me eldest boy. I miss him, wish I could have been better with him. my first try at making humans, I just wish I had been more knowledgeable about what makes us tick. I mean, I Had quit drinking, but still, that is a lot of baggage, quitting is never enough, even the AA program, good, but not good enough, Many end up changing to food as a drug, true story, go to a meeting lots of buffalo, it is not thier fault, any more than a heroin addict, addiction is addiction, even if we are unaware, Ignorance is bliss, so is a heart attack or a stroke, your pain and suffering all end, your story over, the worst possible scenario, like me pops, to die, while still alive, he was a walking dead man, he had forgotten all, well except our tribe, he even forgot his nieces, his ex wife Terri, which I think they think he murdered or something, they were giving me stink eye, and I did not even know it, I did not even know the family, or anything about them, she seemed like a kodiaker, they give you the look of “judgement” a look of questing your existence, a look I know all to well, and had always turned a blind eye to. She was always nice to me, I could see her pain, I do not know the whole story, my dad was tight lipped, I do know there were problems, there were the kids, Shannon, I wonder what happened to her, she was a young 15 when they got married, cute happy child. One thing that I did not know, my cousing was married into this family, I had no Idea it was an extended family, from Kodiak. I recognized the guy giving me stink eye, not by knowing, but just seeing around town, never knew him, This is the big thing that is really prevalent in Alaska, grouping whole families together, I am my dads son, so I am guilty of all his discretions, it runs deep in Kodiak, they will go for generation after generation, I am not immune either, My Moms family still cursing my Great grandfather, Carvel Thorlakson, so much, that I quit my investigation, but I think I may restart it, it was fascinating , he was a fascinating character, who went on to create a family in California, after abandoning his family in Alaska, my family, I am saying that in a spiteful way, but I am a seeker of truth, that is the truth that is being spread for now, not by me, my family side, This and the Ingram story are so cool, maybe I will find out more, They Knew about us, both sides, there is no way they did not. I had felt the years in Alaska, like I had been known, but in weird way, weird encounters, the whole thing is a quite a story. My daughter Shavon is looking to teach the kids how to swim, we come from a long line of swimmers, CArvel was a lifeguard and saved someone in California, made the papers, my son Rich was a lifeguard and Johnny raced on the high school swim team, he is swimming again, proud of him, taking care of his body, it is such a good habit, better than eating pie, maybe not as easy, but the result, WOW, I feel good, and that extra bushel of grapes taste delicious, or my butter sandwich, Love that butter. I am still struggling, but I am hopeful that my children will master their Own thoughts and reactions, and give it to the next generation, it can be so hard, when we are in this reactionary society, But NEVER EVER let anyone, ever judge you or your family by your parents for any other family member, This is a huge red flag, that you are dealing with a very bad human, My Father was a good person, not perfect and I know for a fact he was a tortured mind, yet we must always take into consideration, he was his own person, as am eye. We must stand on our own merits, there is a real lack of respect for you, of anyone that would try and tie you to someone else deeds, just dirty, not just dirty, but mean and dirty, but.. you must not, judge them for they know not what they do, it just shows you, this is a person, that does not seek to be a good person, they are ignorant, selfish, and they do not have good motives, that is a fact. If you ever fall into accepting shame for someone else, whether it be a parent, brother, sister, or grandfather, you can only blame one person, and you can point at them all day, just step in front of a mirror, this my friend, is a prime example of taking control of your own thinking. blah blah blah I feel better, I really do, almost refreshed. I wish I could teach my grandkids how to swim, well it is really easy, just take them to a pool and let them play, give them a noodle at the waste, and teach them to hold their breath underwater, make it fun, not some boring class, I am afraid I will be too old to be able to be a grandfather to them, I am losing great times, I had such great times raising our kids, such good memories, I remember hugging them at every intersection, every stop sign, love them to death. They can have my love, not my mistakes, they are mine, I Own them, and I wear them proudly, well most of them. most things that I regret, were done to my own character and not anyone but my own self. I guess I am lonely for a richer life, but not just anybody, somehow I just wish I could spend time with all my kids, and grandkids, but I do not feel welcome for the most part, is it all in my own mind, I guess I will never know, as I know it is. I can not control but myself and my thoughts. and I have to get cracking work work work, till we meet again my dear diary, till we meet again.