Well we all have dreams, sometimes we remember them. I always like to see where they come from, or perhaps what is going on in my minds background thinking, Sleep is our reset program, I love a good dream and a good dream. Well last night I had a good one, let me set it up first.
Vicke and Valerie are Twins, they had a house down the street and around the first left, that was a busy block, we used to go over there and play “street ball” with the Mendez, Savoy Castellano, and any neighborhood kids that wanted to play, it was a cul-de-sac, but anyway, Vickie and Valerie also had a brother, who died during the Aids pandemic, Vicky and Valerie, were on the wild side, growing up I did not see too much of them, but we grew up together, with the a whole bunch of other kids. there were kids everywhere. Vickie and Valerie were also Twins, yes twins.
I have not seen them in years, as is the case with most people from Canyon Country, well except the Dupuis, Marc and Dave, when I went through my cancer, and Marc now and then. He really is a good man, a good person, I feel his pain, yet admire him greatly, strong he is. Anyway back to my dream.
So it has my dad in the dream, somehow we are stranded, I want to say swamp, broke down, no way out, then next thing is we are in an apartment, and there sit Vickie and Valerie and some other unknown woman. We are just sitting there trying to figure out how to get out of there, Vickie and Valerie, do not seem to even notice us, they are just there, sitting stoic. We move over into their view, me my dad and unknowns. it is silly, but there they are, and I start to fidget, looking at them, they see us now, it is awkward… the dream ends when I ask my dad, can we just take an uber or taxi, I was thinking of asking the twins, but it seemed scary, or not an option. that is it, the dream, I know not much of a dream, but so spectacular, you see, I got to see my dad again.
I have no idea what is going on in my head. he was a little grouchy, being stranded, but it did not seem to be my fault, it seemed to be more internal.
I woked up 🙂 but anyway, then I started my analyses of this dream, so many levels came out. the first thing I though of was I had a date with one of the twins, I do not remember which one, but it was on my fateful night, my dreadful experience, the darkest hour of my life, well a couple of months? I saw her somewhere, we made plans to go out and party? not really remember the specifics, just that we had a nice chat, they were pretty girls and are pretty sophisticated wine drinking women these days, anyway it was only a dream. The I got to thinking about Kim Jones, my next door neighbor growing up. her dad was a homicide cop in downtown las Angeles, tough strict. Kim was also my childhood bully, that makes sense her dad being a cop, we were the same age, but she was about a foot taller for awhile there, She had an older brother Kelly, he died of Cancer, I just remember him coming home from the hospital all pale, like if you live in Anchorage, you get pale, but this was hospital pale, it was a sad time for them, she had lots more with her mom and dad and more recently with her brother. That again got me to thinking of the dark ages, you see, kim as a childhood bully is still somewhat of a bully she unfriended me after she made some vague insinuations about me, which I ignored, but did not like. I can not control what people think, although I do try 🙂 without having to share the events over and over. My problem, although they were completely false, the perception of people, still bothers me, and I was definitely inappropriate, blah blah, Sometimes I just prefer to forget about it, but also want to set the record straight, but at this age, almost 60, YAY, I made it I was 23 when all that eye, losing, scandal took place. so many years ago, but still there… haunting, guilt, yes a little, but not really, when I look at it. anyway, it is there. But that is not what I was really thinking, I started to think about my recent adventures, the last year has been a transition, an up and down roller coaster of sorts, with Covid, My new found family, maybe a mid life crisis of sorts, I have been up, down, back up, you may even accuse me of being bipolar? is that it, well fuck you 🙂 label label label, I do not even know what it means, the truth, all this psychiatric bullshit and all the pills amount to and industry of bullshit. (my rant) in my lifetime, they were doing lobotomies, that is how far we have come. pop a pill and your cured, I dont think so, Self awareness is the true key. Not what Rory thinks, or anybody for that matter, yet it is so hard to get through the minutia of life. I know i ramble, but dont forget this is a journal, a look into my thinking, stinking or otherwise, actually I am very happy, excited, I am starting anew project, it is far, but I already can see a nice job, a spectacular addition, right up my alley, I see the end result. today I dig, yes shovel and sinew, its going to be a wonderful day, I wish I had the gumption to work with my shirt off, love to work on the tan, my old man tan. I found out something the other day, My customer’s children are phycologist, both of them, wow that is cool, I always love phycology, the human mind, the interacting thinking, how we get our nuts off in life, how we survive. I like them more now, just knowing that they are interested in humans, such a complex species 🙂
you know when I write these, I always have an agenda, but it changes, but I have a list of things that i want to get off my chest, that is the reason they get strung together in a willy nilly fashion, but I get them off my chest. I should make a video today, been procrastinating that whole adventure, perhaps, maybe some digging will lube up my creative juices? hard labor, now that is the best treatment, not like weights, my treatment is hard labor, with some satisfaction on the side, blood sweat and construction, with the build. so much to think about, so much to do. I really am enjoying my life now, the present, the past and the future, it all comes together, as in a life meld.
well let see, what else is going on? the kittens are bugging me this morning, they want their snack, they addicted to “temptations” it is an expensive food, I think we should just buy that as thier food, as that is all they seem to eat, and we are out! so they being pesky, and there is some kind of “moon” tonight, although I went out, just looks full to me.
I am amazed at my energy level, despite not eating so much, and what i eat. I woke up at 4am this morning after the dream, and have been full of piss and vinegar, I do have a big day planned, hopeful I will get the underground plumbing trench planned out today, this is a tough job, not for weekend warrior, I am hoping for the best, but may have to go as deep as 10′, I do not like plumbing, but I have some knowledge, I would consider myself about a C- in plumbing, compared to a residential journeyman, or contractor, electrical, perhaps a D or C- too, but pretty good, not compared to an expert, the whole phase thing has me stupefied. I like things, PLumg, level, straight and Square, well as good as you can get lumber. that should be my first video.
I also need to complete a planset, mostly done, just need to add some electrical and plumbing, it takes more time to redraw, then to draw from scratch, sometimes, I wish I would just delete a file and start over, but hard to abandon hard work.
so my face was starting to get hard, that always means my thyroid is acting up, so I gulped down some Organic wheat grass, and wow, I felt energized and face is getting back to a med ruddy feel. still eating grapes by the pound and blueberries, actually all the food I eat is considered a superfood, well not all, I eat organic eggs, with ghee, chicken, any kind, and beef, I was trying to eat grass fed, but that ship sailed with this inflation. It is hard to find a good cut under 20 bones anymore, unless they have tri tip, thanks tommy good meat and it is cheap. sometimes, I do crave the fat more than the meat, like a good marbled ribeye, on the bone, can be succulent.
I am also in a battle with the Indian hospital and Abrazo hospital over a bill, they billing my 5200 after insurance, they did nothing, except book a room, and we wonder why medical is so expensive, they are billing the government hand over fist for work not even completed, and they do ti with impunity. it your a fan for profit hospitals, you are nuts. the government already sponsors them completely, and they bilk the public. my letter writing campaign has just started, you know they government and these hospitals insulate themselves pretty good, I will have send snail mails as they have not public emails, and as a last resort, I will have to spam the internet, which I do not want to do, but this is such a bad system, built on scare tactics and lies. the Government has to get involved in prevention at the very least. Let the greedy hospitals make there money on surgery and room bookings, get at the root of disease by the “CAUSE” not the effect, the food you eat, the stress you endure, this is killing you. be like a grasshopper.
🙂 I guess that is it.
O and one more thing, I was thinking of, my year in review, my mid life crisis of sorts.
So my whole world view has changed, not just from finding out I had another family, that was a bonus and I am still reeling, but more in a controlled fashion, but my identity, all these new relatives, they have become a part of me, not in a close sense, but they have, it is a weird feeling. I now have all these newfound relatives, I have the Torlaksons, Ingrams, Bakers, Cleghorns, and related to so many others, My Scottish roots shine through, My American roots, from both the Cleghorn’s and the Bakers, My Icelandic, Norwegian, Swedish and Danish, so much Scandinavian, I had no idea, I was just a russian aluet, my paper says Eskimo too, but my dad always seemed to be more native, but my mom is the Native blood, my dad is more the Native life, it is all very exciting. I feel like the whole Covid thing is behind us, at least me, getting Covid, may have been the spark I needed, I have really been in a funk, I hated going out with the Covid, I still do, but I am sick of hiding away too, I have really put some thought into what brings me peace. I can not get my peace from others, never no how, now way jose. BUT life is better with OTHERS, so expanding to the good can only be good, that is where careful treading must be the norm. avoidance or limiting the negative is key. it is work, make no mistake, and I dont mean to shut out anyone, actually seek to expand on the people I already know. maybe get back some of the vicky and valerie’s of my world. that reminds me of a story I read in the past few day, broke my heart, I feel the pain. nothing can be as crushing to a parent than having your child pass, I was researching the Kashevaroff connection and Vinbergs and came across a story about the Nay Seals who killed a 30 year old Vinberg, one of Don’s Grandchildren, he looked like him too, big story, you see, it got me to thinking, you never know what someone is going through, I have had my up and downs, but that is nothing compared to this whole ordeal, sad, and I had no Idea that they closed off spruce cape, that could have been me, I used to wander out there quite a bit, loved the cliffs and the ocean view, you could see Ouzinkie, well kind of. they have the old world war 2 machine gun turrets, when my daughter was there I told her to go out there and check it out, I had no Idea, it was off limits, they shot him dead. there is talk of it being race motivated against Alaska Natives, which I do not doubt. sad anyway you look at it, nothing will bring that husband and father back. sad 🙁
but it got me to thinking about my kodiak peeps, my aunt, cousins, I think my auntie tina is the last elder of my direct line living in kodiak, lots of cousins, I lost quite a few of them, when I had a facebook meltdown, during the time, I just had decided to clean the slate, the same time I resigned my token board member position it was a good move, but I also unfriended all of kodiak, to my regret, kind of a pms thing, but maybe just part of the growing pains of life, I just felt like there was a wall between me and all of kodiak, although, I have always maintained my love for the island, it is my home of home. my one true home. home is where my hat is,but if i had to pick a place on this earth, that would be it. take me back Kodiak hahaha, well it might just not be in the cards, but it will always be in my heart. I still am holding out for that lotter ticket, and buying a nice seiner, not really fishing, but going through the motions, what an adventure that would be, skipper of my own seiner, maybe not even a skiff, just a nice 42 ft to meander around the island, o what a dream. or even just a cuddy or I thought one of those rafts with an outboard, but without having to rely on anyone, that is the key. Maybe I can get a job with cousin harlen, what a dream job, I wonder if he knows how good a life he has, so blessed.
thhhhhhats all folks