That leads me into my first story, dreaming, what are we dreaming of? I see dead people, well they alive in dream, but their time has passed, this week, Don Vinberg, I fished for him on the Dee Donna J, best fishing ever, best Capt. and crew, my dad was on the corks, Norman Kasheveroff and Mike Cash were in on Deck, I was the skiff monkey, with a prodigal son Randy, something or another, his dad was some big shot skipper, as I recall, The s0ns of the skippers, were often the elite fisherman, never longing to get on a highlander, but born into a solid fishing career, perhaps as some of my family, my brother Tollak, was born into the Carlough regime.  These fisherman had fishing in their veins, but the sons of Captains, like Dj and Randy, very hardcore fisherman, I remember Dj, throwing dog salmon, 2 at a time, made them look like pinks, if I was lucky enough to get some gills, I could get 2 but he made it look easy, beast mode.

Coming from California, the water in Alaska is painful to swim in, yes it burns, so cold. we were anchored up with another boat, and these local lifers were diving off the rigging into the icy waster, albiet is was summer, it was still bone chilling cold water. I remember Don, he never made a crew feel like they were of lower status, a pauper on a boat, I was somewhat of a pauper, I had never known any real money, just chump change, poor man working wages, I had thought of getting a big stake, but when I fished, it was always just a way to eat, or free rent, not to discredit the boats or the fishing that I had done before, but it did not seem like a way of life for me, One Summer, I had barley enough to leave the island, I remember getting on the Trusty Trusty heading back to Anchorage, I picked up a girl and spent the night on the homer spit, what fun I had, I often reflect back on these dalliances and wonder what that girl is up to these days, probably a grandma with a bunch of grandchildren, I am pretty sure she came up to work in the canneries, Kodiak is a funny place, even for womanizer like I was, I loved Kodiak for it wild side, but the Men to Women ratio, was very poor, I would often joke that a fat ugly girls paradise:/ I know I was a rude rascal, but it was true, but I did have some dalliances, loved a good female drinking partner, I remember specifically a girl, or lady, or woman, not sure which one, somehow we had a hotel room and lots of beer, what was her name… Damn forgot, she was not local, I never did have much luck with the local girls, O I had crushes for sure and “friends” like… drawing a blank again, but I had seen a few of the girls who were mixed like me, and even  chatted with a few, it was a magical place for me. the smell of the Ocean, of the canneries, the boats, the clothes, this was my home.

I have reserved myself that Alaska, may not be in my future, but I have enough memories to last a lifetime, like being able to say the last name Simeonoff, and the person, able not only pronounce it but also spell it out, it was magical. One of my pet peeves over the years was having to spell out my last name, still is, so I have come up with a fix in the Rich Ard, although I have not been called Rich through the years, except in Washington State, where they took to calling me rich and few other humans along my path, but growing up I had always been Richard, or my estranged family would like to call my Richie, like my cousin John, was called John John, not sure where that came from, but I do like the Richie, even though I feel they tried to use it in a derogatory way, hell on cousin even like to say my dad’s nickname was Dick, so what does that make me, little dick hahahah he used to laugh, it was funny after all, so not harm, even if the shoe fits :/

 

Much bigger things to worry about in this life, like recently, over the last few years, even before, I found out I had a child from the wild and crazy Anchorage 80’s, well, actually, I thought I had a child but from  someone, that I had multiple dalliances with, her name was Lori,  Yes I was a womanizer, yes that is bad, anyway this story goes, one of my trademark, moves was love, yes I loved them and wanted to have a baby with them, I know, you can call me Johnny rotten, I do not know if the reason it worked was that I was somewhat good looking or, they longed for love, but it was golden, going so far as to tell them I wanted to marry them, and perhaps to some degree, this was true, even thought during those years, I had neither a pot or a pot to piss in, lived in a few rentals, no career, not trade, just working as s clerk and pissing away every penny on the bars. my best friends, were my brothers, Gilbert and Kelly, we would make the bar rounds, and hit the parties, the bluffs, goose lake, and wherever  we could find, except Kelly he was always invincible, still is to some degree, some things never change. One thing we used to do, well I never did it but both Gilbert used to do it, We all looked fairly alike, I mean if you did not know us as brothers, and had met us casually, and then met another brother on a different occasion, you may think, you were meeting the same person, even gilbert got away with this many times. (DISCLIMER: to Grammars Nazis, I seldom reread any of this, so there will be errors, words or whatever, it it hurts your brain, DO NOT READ, lol, I do go back and fix the red squiggly most of the time)  So anyhooo,  I had met this girl lori, and I remember one night, I was at the monkeys’ wharf, and it was wet t-shirt night, so I wanted to go in, she was underage, the drinking age was 19, so i had her stay in the car, not sure, what i had, maybe the dodge Van, it was missing floorboards, you could see the snow on the roads, but had a heater, not a good one, but was heated, I drove many beaters around anchorage, that had no heat, fucking ice tomb city. Anyway, this is kind of granted, so close your eyes, from being in side and watching the we t-shirts night, it ended in an explosion’s, fireworks, anyway, I never saw Lori again, but it seems, that brother Kelly did, He told me of a story, in which he was at the bluffs and this girl thought he as me, and she was showing him this picture of his child ,that she says is his, or more correctly MINE, since he is playing the game of being me,  he denies this, but I have a pretty good memory, except cant seem to remember that girl in Kodiak’s name…. it was a kind of older different name…. drunken memory, not as fallible

Then there was the time, early into our marriage, living in The desert late 80’s early 90’s just when we were moving back to Alaska, and I got an affidavit or summons, well I never, actually got it, and we moved to Anchorage, this time,  was a different story, Whilst in Anchorage, we got another summons or court order to take a paternity test from Some women I  was seeing/ having sex with, I, or we as Mary was in on the deal, decided to find out the truth, anyway I took the test and was not the father, well, I kind of forgot about this dalliance too, but I told my brother Gilbert about his years later, and he tells me, he pretended to be me and was sleeping with this lady, I wonder if he is the father, she was kind of homely, so… maybe, i WONDER IF THERE IS A RECORD OF THAT SUMMONS, I mean they keep in the database every traffic ticket, maybe I can solve the case.

I really should look up some of the words I use, too much work, and this is a journal of sorts, where was eye? O, purpose in life, well I have been struggling, with no purpose, I mean, I am on the life treadmill, the wolves waiting in the wings, but not purpose, but to survive, not thrive, just survive. on a side note: I climbed the mountain yesterday, it is my place, where I get some peace, lots of lizards, they were all friendly, I would stop and say hi, the funny thing, they were all the same size, and none of them moved, they just sat there, enjoying the sunshine, the Hawks were in the air,  in formation, birds of prey, my Ravens, were no where to be seen, I have this thing with the birds, and the lizard, and it seems a lone squirrel, after reaching what most humans regard as the top, a grueling hike, this day as it was 85, and I only brought a litre of water, thought of bringing a gallon, but it seemed cool enough, yet it was not as cool as it seemed anyhoo, I pushed on to the flatiron, a precipice near the top, which I usually bypass to reach the real top, at least of the western end, this top, is where you can see almost 360 in all directions, except the slighter higher east end, anyway, I knew that leaving late in the day, about 3pm I had limited time, my one time going down in the dark, with no light, was brutal, crash bang smash all the way down, that was ten years earlier, a little more spry. So I decided to just hit the flat area, I did my new meditation exercise at the top area, it was much easier that when I tried the evening before, fighting some sleeplessness,  it goes like this, trying not to think of anything else, just breath in, and then out, and count to 100, the in breath, odd numbered, I was able to make it to 100, well, i DID LOOK AT THE HORIZONE AND, was not sure if i kept the right count, but it was much easier, that the night before, in  which, I started over, and found myself thinking about other things, they popped in, I had NO power over my own mind, this was what my conclusions was,  I was a sheep, this is a huge awakening for me. my favorite word comes to mind “EPIPHANY” of gigantic proportions.  Why did I love drinking so much? I will tell you, I was not a sheep then, I was but I was free, free, free. I was under nobody’s controls, well except the beer, wine, and Crown royal, blackberry schnapps, peppermint schnapps, bacardi and coke, jack and coke, and my favorite, White Russian, which was fitting as that was the nationality that I most identified with a “white russian” my Aunt STella, bless her golden heart 🙂

Yes, so even now, I am a sheep, even though I am learning, that we live in this world, and are sheep for the majority of our lives, we act on our environment, and react to our environment, Now this is not something new, these cats from history, Plato and all these greek leaders, or often Roman and Greek philosophers, already new, we do not control our minds,  without first knowing, that we only control our thinking, when we realize, that is only done, when we know, that without analyzing and feeling these emotions, without reaction, can we be in contorl of our own minds. I hope my muddled writing did not confuse you.

ok, one last story, my first attempt at fictions:

The skunk family, these 3 brothers, they were skunks, they all looked alike, they even acted alike, they came from a very turbulent world, in which skunks were scorned, ridiculed and never give a fair chance in life, but these 3 brother skunks, did not look like skunks, where white stripe, was brown, barley imperceptible, they blended in with the foxes and the felines, they were accepted as cats, they stuck together, because they were skunks, and they knew, if truth be told, they would be banished to skunk island.  Then one day the older skunk brother met this feline, a dark haired feline smitten with the dashing skunk, she had a family already 3 babies at home, and the skunk knew he would never take another family under his wing, he always wanted his own family, so he just had fun with the smitten feline, he then met a flaming red haired fox, she too was smitten with the skunk, she was a  childless beauty, the skunk seen something in this feline, and he was at  a crossroads,  his clock was ticking, but he was afraid, so he let the red headed beauty go free, but she came back, not to the skunk, but he skunks younger brother, that was not good in skunk world, the brother said this was unacceptable and put a stop to this new dalliance, , the skunks started to move on, the the flaming red haired fox, could not be disuaded and the skunk resumed again a potential dalliance. yet he also still had this other raven haired fox with the 3 little ones to deal with,  why not meld the younger brother with the raven haired beauty? it was a done deal, they lived happly ever after, mostly 🙂 DAMN SKUNKS