Maybe it seems that eye am preoccupied with death, but o, contrair, I think mostly about Living, dying signifies the END

you know what? life is a bitch,then you die..

I know pathetic thinking, but really, unless your born with a golden fork or spoon, you have to get on that fucking horse and ride. did you get the tools needed to complete in this world?

People expect you to pull up your big boy pants and get on with life, I see for a lot of people just find the nearest bunker and make is  life.

I refuse to give up, I will fight to the death of me, well, hopefully, that will be the life of me.

I’m the one that jaded you, I think that is Aerosmith, great song, I often think of me Sweet Mary, but who in Jaded me? was I just born a wild animal, right out of the box?

I would not change it for the world, nothing, even my stupidity, which is Vast, 🙂 yet, it is all me, ME ME ME> all of it.

My stoic thinking, is great, but it has its pitfalls, for one, what is a life without want? now I will admit, mines have gotten out of control at times, I have so many gadgets, inspector gadget would be envious.

I have enough shirts to outfit a small army, yet I still want more, shoes, well I have been able  to halt that for now, but I saw these hunting boots, 400> they look beastly, yes I love shoes, boots and clothes, want want want.

I think some of this comes from growing up slightly poor, by a single mom with 5 kids in Southern California, to be ashamed of things you had no control over… I remember being ashamed of living in a pink house, our house was lavender and Pink, Mom finally got it painted by some pro’s they came out in one day and Presto!! nice grey house, we even had a fence in Installed.

I dont ever remember eating meat, well except hamburger helper and cow tongue, it was delicious with some mustard, it wasn’t until I was aware of what it was, that I could see it was a COWS Tongue. we did get lots of fresh fruit, not much milk, and that was gone, when it hit the fridge. I remember eating very poorly, I craved sugar, all things sweet, I used to eat those filled pies they sell at the convenience stores whenever I could get my hands on some change. I got kicked out of my junior high school end of ceremony trip, after getting caught leaving school to buy a  pie :/

u know what, I seem to be complaining, but I think to understand where I am today, the person I strive to be, has to associate the why’s if’s and but’s

I think my shoe deal, comes from wearing shoes out until they had big holes in them. or having to got to the thrift store to get new ones. My life of overeating, well that is explained above.

I would be the first to admit, I was a mess, but still, wouldn’t change a thing. I had 2 DWI before I even turned 18, true story, matter of fact, all my crime history, except for a scandal and at least 10 more dui charges were before I was even an adult.  I love to backtrack to where I came from. I even got a drunk driving on my 18th birthday, spent the night in the hollywood jail, in beverly hills, no shit. first time I got to see what a Queen was, (men dressed up as woman, not the royal kind)  I was speeding around in my toyota hilux I had bought from a season of salmon in Kodiak with my dad and my brothers Gilbert and Kelly. They impounded my truck and stole my steering wheel and a wetsuit out of the back (marc dupes) so here I was only 18 and already 2 drunk driving charges, well the other one was from texas, I got arrested driving back from Galveston to Houston and was stopped on the freeway, had a nice pretty girl and was looking for some fun times, but that did not happen, instead, I lost my Construction job, and no girl either, we ended up selling boxes of pots and pans on the street and scamming food, spent the night on some roofs when we couldn’t get enough scratch to pay for a hotel. Pat and Dave, or someone was robbed at gunpoint.

so fun to reminisce about the days of my youth, would not change a thing.

Texas was an armpit, the humidity was awful. I remember we were in the hood, and some old feller says< “you boys best get  out of here before it gets dark” trying to sell pots and pans, I remember me and pat, traded some pots and pans for 2 hookers, he got the pretty one :/  I could not perform, and that was not the norm, well it was, because for one thing, was not boozed up enough yet and it was my first ever being with a hooker or a Woman of color, is that correct? seems like it is not, I think  black is better, until you start thinking that aisian were yellow and injuns red, Natives too?  we are all color coded? maybe i would be tan?  maybe we should just categorize people by feet size, he is a ten?  after all these are all just different genetic traits. the problem is that they have been used to subjugate people for thousands of years.

o but I ramble

So why am even jabbering about all this past stuff, well I had recently realized, I have been without a drink, for over 25 years, not much over, my last drink was in 1995, I do not have the date, but will have to do a search for my last dui, it was in Anchorage, so fare only find the conviction date, which was 3 months later, I pleaded out, which if I had been still drinking, never would have, it would have been dismissed, as I was barely .08 but I had already been going to AA and wanted to clear out of the deal. 25 years, since I did not really become an alcoholic drinker until I was about 15, that would be sober more years than  drinking. I tink so anyways 1995- 1962 = 33 – 15 = 17 years of drinking. I only had 7 years of that smoking cigarettes. nasty shit.

I’m an old man now, at least by my childhood standards, I remember being told retirement was at 55, that seemed like a fucking million years, I remember seeing old people and they looked decrepit

But I feel like a Million bucks, still lifting weights, hiking and the occasional trip to the gym to swim and hit the heavy bag, I still have decent power for and old man 🙂    I can tell by the bystanders reaction ;/ you see Im a face reader,  hahahah a curse I tell you.

I will always be cursed by other with my past, to this day, I am still reminded about my childhood  misdeeds, slap it in my face baby, I can take it. fuck you too, but I know it me, they do it out of their own self loathness, you see, I find strength when I am attacked, nobody kicks you when your down, well that not true, but they usually just turn and walk away, sometimes forever, good riddance. Some stay to make sure you stay down, but that will not happen until they burn my corpse, or bury it, whatever suits them as at that point, the life and times of this human are over on this planet.

I feel fine I feel good I feel alive.

today I will find out my sober date, and fyi, I do not say clean and sober, well cuz, I have smoked pot, done some rec drugs and taken pain meds, often too much, loved that red juice from Mayo, they gave me big bottles of it, drank it like kool-aid, and it tasted like cool-aid too.  For me it has always been the fermented drinks, that captured my soul,  I remember day dreaming if I could just drink everyday all day all the time, never happened, lots of benders,  but never just  a life of drinking, you see, you need to work, and being inebreated to get my booze, was not employable, maybe if I had a benefactor to pay for shelter, a car and then I could drink myself silly:/

when I was drinking, the only time I felt normal, was when I was drinking, and for  the record, I never felt normal, until years after quiting in 1995, It came while living here in Arizona at least 15 20 years after.

The first drinks the weight of the world was alway lifted, peace came to me. then, well then it was like a roll of the dice, fun, no fun, jail, where o where would I end up. around and around he goes where he stops, nobody knows