ok, let me spill my guts, probably delete this later… I have newborn.. she is 35 going to be 36 next month, a mature, smart mom, she has 4 kids. our lives crossed paths recently through DNA, I was ecstatic, still am, yet with more realistic expectations, none. Really, I do not deserve them, my contribution was pure self-serving, if I’m being truthful with myself. I did make some mistakes, like jumping for joy (sort of anyway) in front of me SweetMary, that my friends, did not go over well. nothing has been as expected. all my wits and manipulations could not put poor humpty dumpty back together again. I am my own worst enemy, I knew this had been a bone of contention the last few years for both of us. I expected some trepidation, not full on malice. it is like I am having an affair, for me truly bizzaro, but with the whole pandemic, it almost seems par per the course. I know better than going places without SweetMary, actually everyone seems to, anytime in the past, the first thing out of someone’s mouth, where is Mary, why didn’t you bring her? so that coupled with my bad decision making, it was bust. I mean, some how I botched the whole affair and life seems much dimmer, but it must go on. I feel a real connection with this new daughter, but not really, its like almost torture, but not. I do not even know if it is real. at times it seems she is mirroring me, which is a classic, but intended or unintended. not sure if im in the fishbowl or outside of it. looking in or out, neither is prefferd over the other. With life being so complicated I am baffled by the whole thing. why cant we just merge? why must there be a divide? why can not my own family be happy for me and support me? It is heartbreaking, I know there is the whole issue of step parent, which sweet mary knows all too well, her mom died when she was young, and she was raised by a not so pleasant step parent, I can not fathom, how someone can marry someone and not accept their kids fully and whole heartily, I now this is different, but really not, I can say my dad abandoned me, but really he was there for my later years, when nobdy else was.

o im tired be back later. time to get cracking, remember love the one your with, most important is to treat and love those closest to you the best of all humans, really anything else in unacceptable.