Richard on the Side2020-12-29T08:48:37-07:00

vaccillating cant pull the trigger… what have I done, nothing… that is the problem

I know this whole stoic thinking is fine and dandy for an Emperor, or a monk, or even a fat cat rich monkey, perhaps even a homeless beggar, but when you have to get out and make things happen, if you have the piper waiting for his check, well you have to keep cracking, keep the dough rolling in, granted, I have relatively low overhead at this point in my life, so it not like I need to rake in a grand a week, just a couple grand a month, measly amounts, but still a min for me to survive at without the wolves bugging me. at my present course and direction I will be stuck in the mundane bullshit of dealing with other humans, at the whim of their stupidity, yet I said it. When it comes to Construction, most people have not idea [...]

stumble bum, just stumbling along through this maze we call life, waiting to die…… when will it all end?

I am a lost soul, forgotten lost, but to be lost, I would have had to have been at a point in which to be lost from, nO? hahah that kinda like a french man, NO? ok so I am sick once again, I had another fainting spell, lucky this time I was at me computer, that what makes it more troubling, the last big spell, when I got up off the bed and then fell to the ground, was attributed to getting up too fast, this time, I had been working at my computer, and came from a standing position... go figure, anyway I just had to lay my head down on my desk. I have accepted my dying, as a part of living, yet, I DO NOT WANT to die, well eventually, I think God has things in store for me, yet that [...]

A Funeral for a young man, A time to rejoice in life

Ok, I forgot one thing I wanted to journal about, is the life of a young man, 33 years old, the same age as Jesus I might add, I did not know this man, he was the son of a friend of Sweet Mary, well I like her too. I have become almost numb to death, the fear of death is strong, well not so much the fear, but of not having enough life to enjoy, that the suffering never ends and the rainbow is not at my end, therein lies my problem. God has his plans, I have no Idea, but this was a story of my pain. Josh has no more pain, he was loved so much, I went to the funeral, I do not like funerals, and do not want one when my death comes. they are usually very sad, this one [...]

moving on…. must be traveling on now

Well, I am still working on me self One hell of a battle my diet and my self awareness, the whole computer episode had me stressing to the nines, Cars, computers and all that crap. that is our lives, I wish in one hand :/ nice to have my norm restored, ok back to work, im grasping at straws. I want to live, yet seem destined to die. my theme has changed. I am going to die, yes this is true do I even think about it? is it a better life to always be aware of my death? I think is is good. I think therefore eye am? this in itself can be distressing, but death becomes us all. for me, it has be be ever present, just as being in the moment, being alive, feeling emotions, feeling life. being grateful for all things [...]

The Sins of the Father, are you kidding me?

So it is true, we will suffer the sins of our Fathers, at least my generation, I have and continue to This comes from our ability to label things, we are all labelers, is that a word, spell check thinks so the apple does not fall far from the tree? you have heard that one. I have heard the saying " your Father' many many times, this was passing the buck to the next generation. I think of my children, and who would say that to them about me? only poisonous people, run forrest run, they are your enemy, when they grasp at the next generation to attack you, these are dirty people 50% is my estimate of the dirties. The hate for my father ran deep, so deep it flourishes even after he death.

My God is a loving God

my God is a loving God That is my God, now let me tell you something I am somewhat of a hypocrite, yes it is true I have my own God, in Jesus Name/Amen That is ok, right? now the good part, I cringe when I hear other people expout their God, yet I have no problem doing the same thing, my God is not a judgemental God When I mention God, I always think of a loving God, accepting God, forgiving God. When I hear others, I can only think of a Controlling Religious fervor. I Think of Art of War, where is imperative to get a religious conformity of the troops, heaven awaits, no fear in death mentality I hear the ones in one breath, The Lord this or that, and the next breath, berating same sex partners. I have no Idea of [...]

Back at work, damn computer crashed

Well I spent all weekend, including the Holiday fixing my computer, had to format the hard drive and reinstall a new operation system, after trying to save the existing system, nightmare, lost some stuff, but hopefully not too much. On a good note, Sweet Mary bought me a new laptop for me birthday, I feel undeserving, but very grateful, I was almost ready to pull the trigger, but could not. this Junker seems to be running good again, I am backing up everything. I am still pretty good at working on these, but I did make some bad mistakes, which cost many more hours and reboots, one thing I remember, if it hangs up, reboot. anyway I am back, need to get caught up. I am finding out, that drafting is not very profitable, at least not as a full time endeavor. my neck hurts, [...]

Abort Abort what do eye care? what is my take? my slurred opinion

There is a big debate going on, Abortion is the topic, as I am a Man, I can not abort, except maybe wear a condom or pull out ;/ of which I had never done either, so I could be part of the problem. First of all. there is always the extremes taking into account, Abortion is a tricky subject. I am sure there are many moms out there that wish it was available when they were getting knocked up, I know first hand of some;) ok my take I am for abortion in the case of RAPE and INSEST, that should be a given for anybody, in me opinion, Women want control over their bodies, I GET THAT, but they do have control of not letting Johnny wise ass put his junk inside. I think aborting a child in the womb that can survive [...]

Visit from Alaska, Sweet Mary meets RobnShavon

Well they finally met, I was a ball of nerves for the last few weeks, I think that I am as afraid of her as she seems to be of me. I was not even sure they would have time for a visit, but it happened, my Sweet Mary got to meet my 36 year old 1-1/2 year old daughter. Lucky for me Rob was there to save the day, I am not afraid of very many things in life, not death, well a little, as I was reminded on a recent flight, but after saying over and over, I have not control, once i board the plane, I have not control over this situation, lucky for me, Rob is of the same school I was spawned, hard knocks. We say what we want what me mean, we say it. no guessing, anyway it went [...]

rain rain go away

Well it is raining today, everybody says we need rain, perhaps we need water. the song "rain drops keep falling on my head, but that does not mean my eyes are turning read" or something like that, but when I think of that it is not rain on my mind, but life's ups and downs. I was contemplating something, which crossed my mind, if someone were to read this rabble, they may think that I am not happy with my life or the wat things are, but that could not be further from the truth, it is true, I am still a slave of my mind, it is true, my want and desires often have me looking at the dark sides of life, even mine, but the truth is, I could have not asked for a better life, ok that was a life, but for [...]

My political affiliation is NONE of the above, America first

I still get a bad taste in my mouth, when I hear politicians talking out thier ass holes, blunt talk for a personal blog, but so true, the whole fucking thing is preposterous, simply ridiculous How about free health care for all, Well in the first place, Health care is a fucken joke, anybody that has had to deal with doctors and Insurance knows this to be true, well if you do some internet snooping, there are lots of studies, anyway, Free Health Care would be the biggest sham propagated on the American people ever. How about Free Prevententene Services, NOw that would be helpful to millions, blunt truth, The reason you are suffering from this condition is all the Crap your eating, all the shit your stuffing into your face, and sitting around the house watching TV and all the stress of doing nothing [...]

lets see… life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.. ramblings of a madman

Yes, that is the theme song that I have adopted, after a pretty full well lived life, I have used my body to the fullest and pushed my brain to at least 50% which is about right in me own estimations. This song goes over and over in my head, except when I am faced with a challenge, not a computer challenge but a real life challenge, something challenging, not people, they are exhausting, but building new things, and such, or hiking new places, swimming, getting out on adventures, not sitting around doing nothing but wasting away in Margaritaville, about the dame washout the booze. O the carefree days of boozing, not a care in the WORLD, well maybe a few, I remember my biggest fear was driving drunk and getting arrested, which happened many times, I still get a flashback, when I see cop [...]

My Stoic life, trials, tribulations and Not so stoic humans ;/

Ok, life goes on, long after the thrill has gone, well for me, it gets better, not so much life, it is a road with potholes, valleys, and some nice downhill runs, My life is still the same, like they used to say on dragnet the names have been changed to protect the innocent 🙂 The biggest difference these days is my reaction and expectations, I do not expect much from humans, I temper my reactions, or at least try and contemplate any reaction, before it is too late. We all must work or at least have some way of paying bills and having great adventures, that brings me to one of my latest debacles, The first clue that I was making a mistake, was when my potential customers says i have to ask my Mom, now that was a clue, but I figure, they [...]

Sadness in my heart

I have sadness in my heart, it lingers, yet lives quite freely in my veins, sadness for all the relationships, that will never flourish, for the words not spoken, for all the people I will never see again, for a hug, a laugh or just a cup of joe, I wish I wish upon star, that all who smoke cigarettes or do drugs or drink smoke or eat to excess, I pray that you may find the strength to take care of your body, that you can love yourself, which seems like an easy peasy, how can we not love ourselves? that my friend is easy, when your get conditioned in any way that corrects you like your not good enough, or compare to someone else, there are many things that can contribute to such feelings, I know, still I persist, the reason I persist, [...]

ok this is kinda weird, well not really, but really

Ok, so started watching this course on Reality, it starts off with explaining what is real, and gets down to material things, bodies, rocks, stars and everything we can feel, then goes to the the atom and then particles to more particles, but the then it go interesting, Our thoughts, feelings, dreams, and life experiences, are all something you can not touch feel or have nothing real, we feel they are real, are they, I have heard that maybe this is all a long dream, seems silly, but when you think about it, our dreams seem very real, they seem just as real as your morning coffee, just look back on an hour or two ago, now how real were all those thoughts, even what you did, they are gone forever, they cease to exist, except in memory, like a dream, think even further back, [...]

My roots, I am a man of many peoples, amazing journey to make a ME

We all got here somehow, let me share a little about me, and what I have uncovered, I have always been told by MOM, that we are heinz 57, like the ketchup, a big mix, but until recently, I have only identified with Russian and Aleut, I knew I was descended from others, Mom always said, Eskimo, Athabascan,Norwegiean, Swedish, and Scotch Irish, witch is Irish, but I never felt any connection to those, with an Russian/Americanized last name, which was at last check Semenov, sounds and looks nothing like Simeonoff, which I held proudly for most of my life, well always, my Identity was tied to being a Russian, as I was baptized Russian Orthodox, and even knew a few russian words, well One, BAseeba, I have to admit, I hated spelling my name out, still do, and even worse telling people how to say [...]

Time keeps on ticking, a ticking bomb or time lost?

I have been of late, on a roller coaster ride, all in my own mind. I have this knack for creating scenarios in my head, have had it for years, it is something, that even though, I am aware of this bug in my thinking, still persist in doing it, over and over. I am pretty sure it is fueled by my feelings of an inadequate human, yes I said it, I feel inadequate to face the world at times, like what for? why even bother, sometimes it seems like an unending flurry of roadblocks, distractions, or just feelings a hopeless endeavour that has no end, yet memories of so many good times, obstacles overcome, the other thing that keeps me going, is learning about myself and where I come from, all the people and governments before me. it is fascinating our world, we come [...]

Another light burned out long before her time 🙁 sweet Dana

Today is the Celebration of life for Dana Maxwell Mother to Zack, Brandon, Amber, Megan, and Jessica, Dana was a free spirit, she just wanted to have a good time, she made you feel like part of her crew. When we think about it, we really never know anyone that well, sometimes it is hard to even know ourselves, I just know the Dana of my brothers Girlfriend and father of my nephew Zachary, so young so fast, so many people are starting to pass to the other side. I feel sad, but once they pass to the other side, We can celebrate all the good times, as I had limited access to her, I can only see that voice, sweet Dana, well except the time we went to the river, it was too far for her, and i was too dumb to realize she [...]

Stoic Contractor

Ok, so I have not always been a stoic Contractor, it is the truth, I had no idea, just get it done get paid, blind contracting; makes for many a problem; I was luck in that I still was trying to do good work; now i ask myself on every project what is the vitreous way to deal with people. it seems to work, I have been in fire a flame deals, which in the past, have not gone as well, people want a fair shake, I just want to feed the dogs, and pay my bills, survive this thing we call life in the 21st century, The biggest thing that I have noticed, if I want less or expect less, I am more able to deal with adversity. O look, check out these plans I drafted, they not perfect, but many hours of slaving [...]

August, already? wtf, where has time gone? wasting away my summer, work work and now mask bs, AGAIN

Well well where have eye bean? working that is where, and it is brutal, my old 58, almost 59 year old used body, getting a work out, but I feel so alive, when I am not licking my work wounds, the hardest part is always the people, and my truck, wtf my truck is killing me, anyone, I think I finally found out my problem after installing anew starter and still having not crank no start issues, there was a bad ground, real bad 🙁 but I found it, well I found it but the computer was still acting up, because it got confused, I think, but after resetting it, it is spitting fire again, you know, the cable, can look fairly clean and still not be clean, go figure... O my Rant, my Rant, The fucken Mask buillshit is coming back, does this not [...]

good days bad days bring it on, dont you know your a shooting Star

dont you know? I hope we all feel special, like a shooting star, Music, so good to feed the soul, that is from one of my favorite bands, perhaps would be #1 except mostly just really like the BAD Company Run with the Pack album, I even made a leather belt with BAd Company Imprinted on it at Diamond High school, my first experience with the Cold life of Alaska, I remember we used to "hooky bob" grab on the back of the bus and have it drag us down the road, me and gilbert were living with my dad on Arctic Blvd in a 2 bedroom apartment, it was the adventure of a lifetime, little did I know it at the time, I had a best friend Dave Cox, and some others. I look fondly back on those days, Watching Star wars many times [...]

The Real World Virus, in my minds eye

the battle continues, the battle of the bulge, finally getting the drafting done, just have to dot some I's and cross some T's, but I had been thinking lately about us humans and the Earth we all share with many creatures, as I was running over and killing ants with my roller blades, I was thinking how it all began for me, watching Star Wars with Luke, Darth Vader and Obi Wan, The force, life force, that was a dominating part of the script, is alive in me, We are like one life force, if you add every creature on this Earth, and think of them as One, as a life force, The fact the we have all kinds of bugs crawling all over us at any given time, and even inside of us, living organisms, just because we think we are smarter than the [...]

eat this not that, I am on a slide… slip sliding away

Ok, been slacking in my new lifestyle diet, I am blaming this computer work and the stress of dealing with a Nonsense, bullshit city, this job is not as complicated as their expensive degrees cost, the more I think about it, especially after driving through the Mega Campus, they call ASU, the money spent on their Palace of stone, could be put to use building Online schools for all people. The Age of control through limited education is coming to an end. The sooner the better. Ok that is enough, I feel a little better, but have to get back to cracking, so far there have been quite a few bids, but not many hits, usually if they dont hire me, it does not get done, I have been hearing prices of 160 a square ft., and I am still hovering around 100, but that [...]

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