Wowzer I have not been posting for awhile. I have been feeling very optimistic about the future, yet always fearful, or should I say…. braced for all the potential things that can go bad. I worry about my loved ones. there is nothing as the dread of death amongst our family. I have been trying to take a somewhat callous view on life and death. yet it seems so precious. I still cringe when I see ROADKILL, or a video of a lion eating something. why? this is the natural path of all living things. we have this hanging over our heads our whole lives, at times oblivious of its closeness. I see nature as the script. does anyone live without grief? I DON’T wanna die. hahahha yet it is inevitable right? we are our time. this time is ours. our place is this time. we will all be gone in 100 years, except a very few. these things that are pleasing us will hurt us someday. desperado. I believe my time is now to get to the place where I am going? the spirit in the sky.
my sister in law just passed away and they had a nice wake? or a celebration. it was nice, she was a good nice person, reminds me of my mother. just very opinionated and not afraid to speak up. that is much better than a WALLFLOWER in me book. but not to the point that you stifle other people from speaking, unless that is your goal. sometimes there has to be a line in the sand. I find lately dealing with my brother who is crippled physically, not much mentally, as much as he feigns. is it better to white lie to keep him happy, that would be the right course of action, it just he brings out the darkness, actually tries to draw it out of my. it is there below the surface. my childhood imprint. run forrest run. it can be a tool or a crutch or poison, it is me that controls the how my life foundation comes to the surface. yet some people have way of prying it OUt of our dirty hands. little words wife son mother all pervading into a glob of anger and contempt towards me. that reminds me. I hired this same concrete contractor again, after the last one was out of level. it is funny how we can easily slip back to what is familiar. clown was trying to charge me 2k for 8 yards of concrete, then they good a good job, and I might have paid the markup even though I have always known the contempt the midget had for me, this time, they broke my wheelbarrow handle then proceeded to try and berate me for his previous shit work. where they were SPRAYING water all over fresh concrete, saying they were experts, his illegal work goliath is the expert spraying the water I have to patch, so why hire them again? they are capable of doing good work. yet you have manage them. not pay them if they screw it up. he was going to do the same lousy entry on the last one, on purpose, but the immigrant fixed it. then the immigrant started complaining in spanish, I DON’T know spanish, but i know tone. tone was angry complaining. anyway they still made a grand a piece except what they had to pay the 2 kids, which should not have been much. good pay for unlicensed shady contractor. I know i have to kick the toxic people people habit. family included. what kind of conversation included fecal matter sex and a hooker, my crippled brother, and the cripple is more his thinking than his brain or body. well that is my gripe for today.
