I must see my self in the mirror to know i am aging, spriling toward my own demise as all of us are. it is with a sad heart that I found out my cousin Natalie, named after my granny has passed to the spirit in the sky, cause when I die I too will go to the spirit in the sky. I last saw my cousin last summer.. or the summer before.. she was exited about perhaps getting a food truck or something for the eklutna tribe. it was good to see her. I wanted to see more of her, but sometimes i wonder if anyone wants to see me, or bother with my persona. I know the old me did not care. the full speed ahead richard died long ago, now im an empath. hahahahha LOL ok not quite, but I will tell you I do ponder what makes people tick. I have to admit my knowlege comes from within, the deepest darkest me, the loving nicest me. I see myself in all people. when i look at someone it like a freeze frame of life. the picture in me head calculates all i need to know. it is only a snapshot, but enough snaphots and you can see within, the dark, the good, the person. Nat was a googy soul, much like myself. she was all about family, hell her whole family was glued together by thier mom my auntie Tilla, who was a steel woman. some girls just want to have fun, and Natalie was just that, and she did. gone before her time. well they die young and leave a good corpse, if I live too much longer that ship will have sailed :/  I have disconnected from all of my cousins later in this life. I can only think it is me and my lack of the juice, hootch, booze. the never may care has been replaced by loving myself too much to be a public bafoon, the days of smelling like piss and beer are long gone, over 30 years, yet the scars remain, by my detractors who like to remind me of my exploits, my own brother still calls me champ, for all my fisticuffs, the scars… I used to remember them all, like a bear with its battle scars I had many, I used to count the fights, women, drunk drivings, but lost count on all of them. can only guess. I am alive, listening to your bullshit, I wince because I see you for what you are. peoples insecurities come out in different ways, mine were anger violence, now maybe just a little sarcasm, but more likely to say nothing, think it, let it go. I say dumb fucker a  lot in my head hahahaahha while I smile. I just want to like you, why do you make me cringe in disgust. that reminds me of my eldest richard one time. why I asked him, why do you make me so mad?  well dummy he was molded by me and sweet mary that is why, as with jt and sari. but they are the greatest part of my heart today. I am proud of all my kids. Shavon, Mathew, Richard, Sarah, and last but not least and my “favorite” Jt. as we grow toward death may you all accept the inevitble bad we all will face with a straight face and as richard sung at aunt rodey’s funeral. things that are right, bad things are right. bad actors are right, you can avoid some, but never all of them. have a great day RIP Nat