well rain in Phoenix, off and on since I been here, but always enough sunshine to work on my tan and Vitamin D stores. I realize my time in running out. have an appointment with the cancer people coming up. I really hoping not cancer but prepared to go through the paces. you know my fears are, that they can’t operate cuz too close to my car0tid artery, since they already took my jugular. so all this isn’t enough, I need to keep making money, money money. well enough to by my amazon cures :/ so far I am a wreck. mentally not so much physically I wish I knew what was wrong with me… tired of fighting this bullshot. yet I have never looked better, except for me bald spots. hey I have been wearing ball caps to hide my bald stripe that goes from front to back a full inch width, I try a comb over but not really working for me. so I am on the verge of becoming a bald ass man. well not ass, but.. ok you got me, i can be an ass. but not my ass, me brain bucket. I’m going to try a haircut first, but don’t have much hope.  still lovesick, well not as much, my sweet Mary, although its complicated, I have to know it’s a who gives a fuck, I am a damaged piece of art. lol.  so why do you care? what difference does it make to you? if I get high on cocaine and ride that train. ok that is definitely an exaggeration on my part as is all my blogring.  shame is the game, not blame, must tame my shame. ha maybe i should right poetry and forget about my hoetry. ha is that a word. so here it is, when I write some bullshit. like wanting to have a blond as a snack, I start seeing blonds everywhere. maybe instead I should start writing about finding jobs. ahhahahhahah dumb fuck.  I know I’m not supposed to knock my own self, yet I have plenty of reason to. as for you or anyone liking me. well, I WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO NOT LIKE, most likely on purpose, that is the way I was raised. and then my inner core seeks to be accepted. such an ugly game. so I have been thinking about my own attraction to women on a whole life spectrum. don’t you love how eye makeup words :/ ok so I am not an English major, maybe 6th grade aptitude. i freely admit my scatter-brained writing style. it is more fun than thinking, planning all that bullshit real writers do. O so I found a picture of the most beautiful girl from my high school days, well it was a tossup, but I actually had some fun times with Holly Wills, her name is something else now, married in Castaic, but it kind of shocked me. my personification of beauty then was this paper-thin girl. wow, she was like olive oil on popeye. I had lots of crushes back then, most of them are pretty even today! my first crush of course was Patricia Pyron, she looks a lot like my sweet Mary. we’ll all my favs were dark haired white girls. let me see. maybe I should start writing my life’s journey before I lose my snap memory. it still works great, but a little slow on old memories. I would have to say the most beautiful I ever dated was Ladonna Hartford, wow she was a looker and a drinker too. hey you Wanta hear that story, how much of an ass I really was.  maybe later. she is plagued with health issues now and a fascination with politics which does nothing for inner beauty, I went to see here but she was busy, I kept meaning to go back, but here present boyfriend and roommate were giving me some bad vibes. last year I bought a new vlogging camera, the lcd is broken. I just can’t win for losing. so job jobs what can I do. you know I really want to get a handle on my hair and find out if I am re cancered first. maybe I will try a local job. not the union, the union Mexicans loath me, and they no pay much for the whetto on nonunion. maybe try some freelance. but can’t really use my truck. 6 Dolla for diesel. oh fuck, I was crying at 3.50 fuckers.  getting trump emails to donate to his cause. yeah, well where is my trickle piss down on me money?   you know I work in the union, and the union line is 100% democratic supporters, yet the carpenters are overwhelmingly Trumpers, even the upper echelon, ok enuf cry like a baby into the sunrise, cry like a baby until my spirit carries me away.  so here it is, my latest thing looking at profiles and judging their beauty. man are them some real pretty women out there mostly 30 ish, but some real bowzers too, well they will be in about 15 years hhahahha  i have not been feeling well lately, then I remember, I taking pills like they candy, supplements iodine  all these pills supposed to keep my healthy, it is weird swallowing a handful of pills thinking it will fix me, then feeling sick cause my body reacting. they say reacitng to the  pills killing off bad stuff, but maybe just poison to myself. I really like doctor berg, the most, but as a rich rich man he sells everything and touts everything as mass saver of conditions ok i have to do somthing today like take the dogs on a walk, or rollerblding