I have to be truthful, I have gone down the face mite rabbit hole, I cant seem to stop trying to eradicate them. I have spent hundreds hundreds of dollars to eradicate them. who do I blame? I am flabbergasted at this medical world. are all these naturopathic practitioners false profits? false hope. is mainstream government sponsored healthcare the true path to a happy healthy life? I am a pretty good searcher. this is a fucking rabbit hole. I can only refer to our creator? I ask why? o lordy lordy, im way past forty. maybe my grunge days are over… wearing the same clothes for days at a time. bathing on a 2wice weekly basis. I am so clean now. almost sterile, yet I feel dirty, buggy, how can I ever feel clean again? this is going to take a major mind shift. the bugs are deeper than I anticipated, they are rooted in hard, like hard candy. maybe im just like my father, maybe I’m just like my mother. lord why me I ask, and the lord says why not. my story is the same regarding thyroid, demodex. Morgellons, is this some government conspiracy cooked up to punish humans? like the people say, all disease is created by man to control man? I don’t know I don’t care. I just want peace. I am taking this as God commanding me to be cleaner. or a punishment for my dirty bird ways. well he won. I have to stop what’s that sound everybody looking around. somehow I have to get off this fucking dead horse. the bugs are here to stay. my feeling them is here to stay. I have to focus on healthy thinking and healthy living. no more sugar, no more bread, no more cow milk. I have to become a strict carnivore. I have to quit wasting money on all these cures. they all work a little, nothing will ever kill them off except my own demise. I just have to keep cleaning my hair and face. I know for a fact, I have way less bugs than ever, well not ever, the good old days of blackheads are gone. that was about 2 years ago, I remember trying to squeeze them out, and remember, I could only see them with readers. the bugs have created a planet. I am their planet. they know every nook and cranny on my face. so are you happy, my suffering bring you pleasure? good, at least someone is getting pleasure. all these stupid fucking pills I have bought. waste of money. I am going back to the same skills that have saved me in the past, it was the Atkins diet back in the late 90’s that first gave me hope. my misery has been compounded with a job I took in Peoria 1-2/2 hours away, sometimes 2 hours or more. why I took this job. I need to pay bills. so what is wrong with that? I did a job in Wickenburg, easy 2hrs each way or more. but that was a no government no permit no inspection project. when I bid this job, Im thinking 3 weeks it will be wrapped up. no problem, car crashed into a 3 story duplex. what could go wrong. everything I tell you. so I found out the other day, that the person who crashed into this home, refused to pay. ahhhhhhh now the guy across the street seemingly overzealous interest in the project make sense. He is the guy. so the deception has deepened. So this guy the father of the couple that reside own the house called me out of the blue.. I did a bid for him a few years ago, that another contractor, that was good at google, but not a builder hired me to do an addition, but they needed a variance and I refused with out more payment. in the back of my mind, thinking this is a setup. the owners have been paying, but it was an awkward start. so they tell me, they finally got their lapsed homeowner insurance reinitiated. lots of bad luck. the water the plumber. the fire system. for starters, I had no idea what I was getting into, yeah i heard Peoria was hard to get a permit, so is gilbert Scottsdale, but it was ridiculous. anyway. here I am broke after months of driving to Peoria 2 trips one tank of diesel. 115 buck a whack, unless I get to use some fry points. anyway. I am depressed. so now here is this job heading to litigation. Now the truth, if I had know this was a litigator job, or that across the street was a hostile, the bid would have been closer to 65k, I did a hostile environment before a few of them 200k 180k. lost lots of tools, ended up with a dog, love you sophia sophia, poor sing. she old now. anyway. I have to go tomorrow and lock this job down. finish strong, I hope to get paid. at least I will have food money, and a half tank of fuel left. I really want to go to California and swim in the Ocean, maybe a great white will have pity on me and bite me in half :/
truthfully, I want out of this city. and the state. I need a new start. I need a life near the Ocean. fuck this forsaken desert. I just see all the crime and all the people shitting and the sewage. not really, people are nice here in AJ and throughout AZ. I feel like the end is near. I keep thinking of Tim, gunned down in his prime. will that be my fate? I have to keep my sword at the ready, never surrender, but it seems pointless with my benefactors weaker that my detractors. I wish to get out of this hell hole I have created for myself. you see its me, I trying, but the brick on my feet are solid concrete. my will to fight is waning, yet I fight on. what misery stands before is no concern to me. I must live for now, right now. the bugs the bugs. we all have bugs they say. can I embrace the bugs? can I really. so the thing now Is I have these flair ups. when multiple bug location tickle or sting. it like they are somehow tied in unison. I was hiking with the dogs the other day, and I started to whistle, it brought up a flair up. sometimes I will scratch an itch, and another with pop up on que. am I losing it. time will tell. I have to break the spell. ok, one thing I have to admit. I am riling them up, with oregano oil, and all these immune support attacks on them. I now realize they are not just on my face, but on me whole body. so all this and a tough job equal poor poor richie baby. the worst part, I lost that loving feeling. Ok so i live in my imagination, yes it is true. I live in my own mind. I can get pleasure from my mind, i CAN and do torture myself with my own thoughts. the good new is that, I have been able to take a bad thought and realign it to be a non thought. I have taken my OCD to the next level, of bug eradication. yeah I said it. I know all this obsessing with the bugs in unhealthy, yet i Persist. Could you Imagine what a weapon this would be if you knew how to turn on and off someone’s but sensing bug infestation levels. make them unable to control the bugs with their immune system? this would be a real effective weapon to neutralize someone, almost as effective as the Russians use of dioxin. who would care enough about me to make me suffer, nobody cares. they would have to have a deep seated hate. I see too many shows on TV where the husband kills the wife or visa versa. the darkest reaches of my very own mind, you have to turn that thinking off. went to the eye doc yesterday, she says my bug population looks good, well the collarettes were gone she said, yet I know its still a stronghold. that my nose and hair. also realized there aint no way to hide your lying eyes. that is a word, the eagles say so, I take them over you stuffy dictionary. no my problem is purely an alcoholic one. we like to blame something on anything except us. I accept full responsibility for me weaknesses. I will close this phycological thriller saying I have but one life to give to this world, but am capable of taking many.
